Relationship/Break-up Vent

[lahnnabell]

Hi,

I'm not really looking for advice. Just people to share my story with. I recently got out of a 1 1/2 year relationship with a guy I really care about. We moved out to San Diego from New England together last August after he'd finished his Masters degree and gotten a sweet teaching job.

Our relationship was pretty good from the start. He was sweet and devoted and we'd drive to see each other for a few days at a time (he lived in New Hampshire, I in Massachusetts). Of course, we had our issues, but we were able to talk through them.

Life grew difficult when we got out to San Diego. The strain of cohabitation was only made more difficult by the fact that our apartment was very small and I wasn't making nearly as much money as my boyfriend. I think this caused some resentment between us. Financially, it made more sense for him to pay a larger portion of the living expenses, but I would help him out as much as I could with bills and took on most of the domestic duties.
Regardless of our mutual decision to split the expenses 60/40, he would still hop on my case every now and then about how it was uneven.

Which brings me to another issue that only surfaced when we began living together. My boyfriend would go through brief moments of anxiety/depression when he felt tired or frustrated with work. During these moments he took to insulting me as a way of venting his steam. Sometimes they were remarks about trivial things, sometimes about our living situation or my difficulties with my own anxieties (about money and my complicated family). Nevertheless, it always hurt. I told him so too. I had honest, calm talks with him about how he hurt me. Eventually, when he calmed down, he was able to talk rationally and feel remorse for the insults.

This would also happen when I asked for help with chores. By nature, I am organized and working two jobs required that I sectioned off my time accordingly so I could get all my stuff taken care of (i.e. groceries, laundry, dishes, filing, bill pay, etc.). I needed this organization to function. He was reluctant to understand this and continued to leave his clothes strewn about the apartment and leaving his comic books piled on the bathroom floor. I tried to combat these issues by saying, "Anything not in the hamper isn't getting washed." or buying a container for him to store his comics in. Even asking for help a few days prior (giving him time to pencil me in) resulted in a slew of excuses as to why he had no time to help me. Not much really ever changed.

I guess I'm just sad that he clearly didn't want it as much as I did. It got difficult (as relationships do) and instead of working it out, he chose to bail. I feel really lame. But I do feel proud that I finally laid it on the line.

I'd been out for Friday drinks with a friend and came home to him sitting on the couch, eating a giant plate of pasta, and watching tv. He barely looked up when I came in. I sat down and said, "I don't feel like a priority. And at this stage in our relationship, I need to be." He said, "You deserve to be a priority, but I don't want you to be right now." I packed my stuff the next morning and began moving out that weekend.

I know that I'm better off right now. I have a room at my friend's house and it's clean, brighter, and my own space. I do miss him, but I don't miss playing mommy. I should've known I was getting the short end of the stick when he moved out of his mom's house and right in with me. Lesson learned.
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[Sixpacj]

well, good riddance it seems.

although it must hurt a lot. good news is the pain subsides with time...

[Gigabitch]

Are you staying in San Diego?

[lahnnabell]

Yeah, I'm staying in San Diego. I had wanted to come out to California a while before I met him, and I've been determined to make my life out here work. So far so good.

Only, and you'll all think I'm a little retarded for this, but he and I do work together. I ended up getting recommended by his boss for a position at the high school we both work at. Thankfully, we don't cross paths too often during the day. And I have so much to do at work that it makes it impossible to linger anywhere too long. My students are great distractions

[Lite]

Sounds like he needs to learn about equitable division the hard way. Or he should have hired a maid for you two and been done with it.

But, yeah, you're better off without him weighing you down. When you move in together it's a basic assumption of pooled assetts. Just like if you were married. If you come to an agreement on money, you stick with it. He couldn't do either.

[Gigabitch]

I wonder if you work at the high school my husband went to. Wouldn't that be funny?

Anyway, I see blue skies ahead for you. He was just a big wet blanket.

[lahnnabell]

Thanks, guys. The last couple of days were tough. I do still have to communicate with him when it comes to students we share. So, that can be difficult. I have a lot of supportive coworkers though and they've been amazing.

Yay, me!

[Cbrider]

Theres no excuse to lash out with comments and remarks because you're having an "episode." Sure sometimes thins slip, tempers flare and heads collide, but it shouldn't be a pattern.

The guy has a lot of growing up to do and its not your job to hold his hand through it all. Hell he lived with mommy until you....

Like Giga said, blue skies ahead! Wonderful people deserve the love of another wonderful person, not a child.

[Gigabitch]

FYI, I'm a big Sandman fan.

[lahnnabell]

Sandman rules. Have you read Preacher?

[lesa]

Good riddance indeed. He wanted you to pay more than the already excellent 40% and he wanted you to clean after him? It's good that you found out sooner rather than later. Lazy, cheap, and some other bad things...