Blowing hot & cold...am I wasting my time??

[Missy_B]

My ex and I split up 6 weeks ago. We have a one-year old together and the reason we split is because I had issues with his parents as did they with me and due to my ex-partners lack of support we I ended our relationship. Within a week I wanted to reconcile and he by this point decided that HE now wanted a break (I have made several posts about this so go and take a look at my old posts!)
I had an arguement with his mum a few weeks ago and he went into his shell and I didn't hear from him for days. We managed to get talking again and I went round to talk to him. We ended up bickering about reasons for splitting up and, after a few tears shed by me, we decided to drop it and watched a film and had cuddles and kisses on the sofa. The next day my ex decides to take me out for dinner. Although he suggested it he never seems particularly thrilled or excited and I sometimes feel he's just 'keeping me sweet' in the hope I'll put out, which he's asked for before. We had a nice evening and some good laughs and then, in the car on the way home, we ended up arguing about our reasons for splitting again. After calming down he admitted that he would get back with me in a second but he's 'scared' that things won't change and he needs 'convincing'. He said that we split because I 'pushed him away'.
From a male perspective, is he messing me around or is he being genuine?? It always seems to be me making the conversation and he rarely texts me with anything than quesitons about his son. He says he still loves me or is he just keeping me around until someone better comes along? How can men be so hot and cold? He took my son out for lunch the other day and when I said I liked the sound of the restaurant he went to he said: "maybe I'll take you some time" but hasn't mentioned it since. I asked him if he wanted to go to a friends birthday meal with me and he said he was 'tempted' and eventually I had to FORCE an answer out of him ot which he said "yes" but he might 'not be able to closer to the time'. Where do I go from here? As a man, would you say it's all over for us or is this just how men show there feelings?? What should I do? Lay off for a while and let him chase? Or is he doing this so I'll mend his ego and chase him?
What is going on??? I'm so confused!!!!!!

[WICKED THOUGHTS]

Eh, guys have dat have i dont care atittude and wanna be free shiet. imo But, then.. when d lonely sets in? Baby, i miss you so so much! hahaha Ya, u need to let him know wer u stand. if not? cya

[YouAreBeautiful]

Missy, it sounds like a classic case of miscommunication is at work. He may be blowing hot and cold, but the fact that there is hot show that he does love and is interested in you still. He may be feeling you out. If he's not getting positive feedback from you when he suggests taking you out to dinner he may drop the idea. Did you seem excited about the prospect when he mentioned it? It does sound like he is fixated on your flaws and ignoring his own. If that is the case, I would suggest possibly finding a mediator for your interactions. Best of luck!

[Agape]

"the reason we split is because I had issues with his parents as did they with me and due to my ex-partners lack of support we I ended our relationship."

So it ended to the lack of support coming from him and his parents? . . . a partner should be there to support you and help you, all this hot/cold on/off up/down stuff is just unneeded drama. . . also consider your 1 year old, there's no need for this.

[Missy_B]

It is a difficult situation because, due to our 1-year-old, I have to consider what is best for him. Obviously, that would be to have his family back together. I know this may not happen but I am desperate to try everything so at least I can say when he's older "well I tried". My partner has been very pampered by his parents, which he refuses to accept is in any way wrong, and believes that he can carry on being 'pampered' despite being almost mid-20's and having a child of his own! I have no such view point, hence the animosity from his family. My ex has said that he does love me and would love to work things out but he's scared that things won't change. I can't help but feel in the last 6 weeks he's focussed on himself, got himself a 'life without me' and is worried that coming back to the relationship and have it not work out will cause him to go through the 'pain barrier' again. He can be lovely to me one minute and then distant the next which causes me to analyse everything I do and become paranoid about my behaviour. It just feels like he's pinning the entire break up on me so he doesn't have to deal with the reality of making it work. He's hoping I'll do all the 'changing' and 'apologising'. I don't want too much water going under the bridge and deciding to move on and then later down the line he changes his mind and it's too late. And my little boy ends up with a broken home.

[vashti]

Missy, I think if you want this man back, you are going to have to make peace with his family, and stop clinging to the opinion that he has been "pampered". His reluctance to be with you probably stems from the fact that he is worried that taking you back will mean he will forever have to defend his parents from you, and that gets old REALLY quick. His parents are NOT the enemy in his mind, and you are actively trying to push them out.

I skimmed over the first post you made, where you describe his mother as "mouthy and opinionated", when honestly, that is exactly the way YOU sound, too. A lot of the stuff you mentioned is just normal human nature (suggesting baby names, worrying about how messy your house is, wanting to have input about home purchases when they are giving large sums of money) which YOU blew out of proportion.

Maybe rather than being resentful of all their advice and generous help, you should try to be a bit more humble and appreciative? These people are the grandparents of your baby, and they raised someone you claim to love. Surely, they have done a lot more RIGHT than wrong, and perhaps if you were a less ready to fight about everything, and more inclined to look at their suggestions objectively, your relationship with this man would improve, and you could save your family.

[Missy_B]

I can understand where you are coming from Vashti but it is quite obvious that you have taken the problem on face value. The problems run a lot deeper. The home we set up was that of two adults who wanted to raise their child in private. We had discussed it before moving in and we always said it was to give ourselves privacy away from our parents and 'grow up a bit'. Instead it turned into a social club for his family to meet and instead of sitting down and making suggestions about the 'look' of our home I would come home to find a whole load of things bought for the house. Granted, they came from his fathers pocket which on the surface sounds ungrateful, but that is MY home as much as it is his sons. And that never seemed to cross my partners or his family's mind. If he likes to be 'pampered' which he is, no 24-year-old with a child needs his parents to come round EVERY morning to wash the dishes for him and make breakfast in bed, and if he lived alone then that is his own business. The reality is, he does not. He lives in a home that we both paid for, his parents made an input as did my mother. That home is in OUR names therefore I have as much right to voice my opinion as much as he does. His mother has called me lazy because I didn't work. That was not because I was LAZY, that was because I gave up MY career (which I paid thousands of pounds to go to University to do) has had to be put on hold in order for her to have the grandchild she was so controlling about. As it happens, since we split, I have started work at a local school so her point was invalid. She has said that I have never earned a penny. I have had 3 jobs and have been working since the age of 16. My partner and I had previously discussed that this would be the situation if we were to have our son and we came to the decision that this is how we were happy. His family's input is unwanted, by me, and completely out of order. It is hard to understand if you have not been involved but I have put up with a lot of little things. It is the good old phrase "the straw that broke the camels back". A lot of little things make for one big thing and eventually it all erupts. I realise you are trying to help me understand his point of view and realise he is stuck between the devil and the deep blue sea, but I have supported him undividedly since we got together and I can't understand how anyone can think that another human, who has been raised with different values, will just SLOT into a family's way of life and if they don't they get shown the door. This is much more than just "opinions" and "the odd word said here and there". The issues here are much more inbuilt.

[vashti]

Okay, seems you would rather be right than be a family with this man. Therefore, I suggest you continue on your current path.

[Missy_B]

Not right. Honest.