Men and sex; is this "normal"/healthy?

[Ghostgirl]

I know that most men are pretty...hormonal...but sometimes I wonder if my boyfriend...well, ex really...is "normal"...

He can masturbate nearly half a dozen times a day. He used to watch porn several times a week but I didn't like that so he stopped when we began dating. I just always wanted to be the one to please him and I busted my butt to do it, I just did my best to keep up with his sex drive and keep him interested. He said that was okay, it's not like he was threatened or screamed at so I thought everything was good. He agreed of his own free will and seemed happy.

Over the course of nearly three years, he's hurt me a lot...and it's always been over other girls and sex, exes, random girls online, etc. you name it. He's never cheated but he's crossed the line and caused me a pretty good amount of pain. At one point, I became so upset that I was having anxiety attacks that made me physically ill.

He has pointed out things that he wishes I'd do or change. He liked when my hair was red but I sort of like it the way it is now... He likes red lipstick and tight, revealing clothes. I'm a C-cup so I thought I was okay, that's good, I'm not flat...but he goes for the type of chest one would most commonly see in hentai (Japanese cartoon porn). Now I constantly worry about my figure, the way I dress, my makeup, my hair, everything. I feel incredibly insecure. When I bring this up, he acts like a victim, oh why should I ever get what I want? I'm used to not getting my way. [insert laugh]

He was my first time...and now I hate sex. I despise it. Sometimes I get sick thinking of it, sometimes I cry. I can't take the whole wanting to look at porn and have sex half a dozen times a day bit. I can't take him being attracted to everything that moves while he tells me that he loves me...but then continually brings up my hair or makeup or the way I dress. I get lost in a sea of sex, porn, masturbation, superficiality, etc. and feel lost and inadequate.

It seems extreme to me. He wants to be a DJ but some of the music he listens to has lyrics like this: "ugggghhhh mmmmmm ooooohhhh uuugggghhh mmmmmm". It's all sex over a repetitive beat! And two years ago, he picked up some girl at a gig and claimed they were only friends. He went to a movie with her and her friends but he tried to hide it because he knew I'd be upset and another DJ said that it was not only unprofessional but it was despicable, he'd never do such a thing to his own girlfriend. It made me wonder why my boyfriend would do that to me if he loves me...

Everything is about sex. Everything. Music, clothes, makeup, hair, the way we talk, etc.. I can't accept that, he knew that wasn't me. This agitates him because he wants me to accept that part of him but I won't. I finally got fed up and deleted him from my instant messenger and even logged into his account to delete myself. Sometimes I wonder though if he's "normal" or if I made a mistake...or if I'm supposed to change.

Even worse still, he's "bisexual" (mind you, I don't mean that being bi is bad, just that how he acts is). He doesn't come right out and say it but when he was a teen, he cybered with older guys a few times by lying about his age. He isn't the type to date a guy, it's all about sex and just doing whatever when aroused with whoever, however, wherever, whenever. He has almost no inhibitions. He even tried to press me for sex in his parents' house knowing that two of his FIVE siblings were in nearby rooms and could walk in at any moment.

I could go on and on and on about things that just built up and made me wonder. I feel guilty like I didn't keep up with him the more time that went by but at the same time, I know that my sex drive has just plummeted. I'm not interested like I used to be and I feel like I just got sucked up into a relationship that soured me not only on sex but dating as well. How am I supposed to be interested in sex when it's all he talks about, thinks about, and cares about? =/

[Junket]

It's not healthy for a long term relationship, but as far as normal?

I'm surrounded by guys at work that behave like that, so I wouldn't say it's abnormal.

[vashti]

He has pointed out things that he wishes I'd do or change. He liked when my hair was red but I sort of like it the way it is now... He likes red lipstick and tight, revealing clothes. I'm a C-cup so I thought I was okay, that's good, I'm not flat...but he goes for the type of chest one would most commonly see in hentai (Japanese cartoon porn). Now I constantly worry about my figure, the way I dress, my makeup, my hair, everything. I feel incredibly insecure. When I bring this up, he acts like a victim, oh why should I ever get what I want? I'm used to not getting my way. [insert laugh]

It doesn't sound like he loves you, sweety. It sounds like he is trying to make you into the image of the girl he loves.

I don't think this relationship is healthy at all. You can do better.

(but I am not male)

[Charlie Boy II]

Guy sounds like a creep.

[irrelevant_89]

Gah. This guy was not made for monogamy, for sure. He's ruining sex for you, thrashing your self-esteem by imposing unreal aesthetic values on you, and he's very likely to cheat or have cheated. Get the hell outta there.

Btw I don't think he's really "bisexual", just so horny that sometimes everything goes. He seems to be a real perv.

But I'll point out ONE thing: the masturbation part is normal. I've done it almost as much as him at some points... course I'm a virgin but it would be really hard for most young men to be completely satisfied by sex 3-4 times a week, I think. It doesn't mean anything for the relationship.

[roy_delene]

no he;s not normal obviously he has some mental issues. If I were you I'd leave him before he causes you to have some issues of your own

[Gigabitch]

Why are you even with this icky, sleazy guy?

[Ghostgirl]

Why are you even with this icky, sleazy guy?

Because when we met, he led me to believe that all he wanted was one girl to love and spend the rest of his life with. All these issues came up over time and he kept acting like he really wanted me and would try to behave somewhat. But even when he said that he no longer felt the way that he used to, I always just had this nagging feeling that he was lying to keep me. Different comments, little things, would catch my attention like "joking" about me having sex with another girl or something. I don't find that funny...so why would he bring it up in a joking manner? I felt that it was often because it was his way of "jokingly" feeding me ideas. He began to do it a lot, "joking" about things that weren't funny that I believe were things he wanted me to do.

He goes back and forth between I'm sorry baby, I know I need to change, I hate being this way and then I am who I am, why are you so jealous and why must you nitpick to sabotage the relationship? He thinks that I'm trying to break us up because I'm sabotaging myself but I just can't ignore the way he is. I know that when we're around other girls he's into them, I know that he has crushes, I know that he wishes I were a female DJ because he's attracted to them, etc. but he says that all this doesn't mean he'll cheat and that I am merely nitpicking. But I've got all this on my mind and it bugs me to such an extent that I'm always insecure and upset and I find myself checking other girls out for ideas on how to change myself. =/

We haven't really talked since yesterday. He got home from work late last night to find that I had deleted myself from his list and later I responded to explain why and that was that.

I don't know if he can overcome those kinds of issues, it seems genetic. At least 2 of his siblings have issues with sex and his Mom seems to be where they get it from as the Dad seems pretty normal. Hell, when my boyfriend...or ex really I guess...was younger, she offered to buy him Playboys. :| Now, it's one thing to say, "Okay, my son is a teenager, that's what they do" but it's an entirely different thing to sit down and discuss what sort of porn he wants her to buy him...

We've been distant lately, not really affectionate or anything because we've both been somewhat agitated over this recently. So I'm just trying to distance myself.

[Cosmo]

sounds like a lunatic.

[lahnnabell]

People like him habitually latch onto people like you.

The only reason you are with him at this point is because you lack the self-esteem to truly believe that you deserve better. You are clearly unhappy in this relationship and with yourself. He has led you to believe that who you are and what you look like is not enough. Not even enough for YOU. You are the only person who should be making those standards for yourself.

This guy's standards are unrealistic. Sounds like he spends way too much time jerking off to hentai and anime cartoons. He's developed this crazy fetish that he expects you to fulfill because you're his girlfriend. You are going along with it because you don't respect yourself enough to realize that he's toying with you.

Get rid of him.

[Ghostgirl]

Heh, now he's messaging me to tell me that he doesn't think "it's that big of a deal" and when I responded, he said that if I "keep pushing I will probably do something stupid" meaning he'll go have sex with some guy or girl and apparently it'll be my fault because apparently he has no control of his own. That's exactly why I removed him from my messenger list, I don't need this kind of bullshit. If he can't chill his freaking hormones down, I don't want him and I'm not hanging the hell around to watch him roll around with pigs and then blame it on me.

[Gigabitch]

Chuck his dumb ass, right now.

[Ghostgirl]

I already did, he's just arguing about whose "fault" it is and how I'm delusional and I sabotage myself. I feel so miserable right now but I'm sick of this shit.

[Junket]

Whose fault?

Who cares?

You're no longer a couple, you don't need to care about whether or not he feels insecure and rejected.

[Charlie Boy II]

yeah girls always seem to worry about whose "fault" it is when a relationship ends. I never worry about that. Relationships end, because that's the nature of romantic relationships. When they're permanent it's through sheer force of will and usually with a substantial amount of unhappiness.