Boyfriends jealous female friends bitchy comments

[xxstarxx]

Morning please can you help?! Been with my bf for the past 13 months and he has a female friend that made it very clear she was keen on him. When we first got together she used to either blank me, walk away when I was trying to talk to her or make bitchy comments. Nothing terrible, just subtle, but she'd say just the right things to wind me up. He would remain friends with her and chat to her as tho there were no problem, and never say anything in my defence but yet advised me to either ignore her or to confront her/stick up for myself.

Eventually I had a word on Saturday night. She hadnt been too bad over xmas but Id had enough of the comments and caught her gazing at him from across the pub for an eternity a few days ago and said something on saturday, she replied that it was only banter and said Id lost it, then started laughing at me. I merely said that I was sick of her bitchy remarks and that everybody in the village is friendly with me, so why does she have to stir things up all the time. Boyfriend in the meantime walked out the pub without offering any support whatsoever. Then he told me off for saying something to her. (Yet it was his suggestion). There were only 3 people in the pub at the time, landlord and an older couple so its not like I spoke to her in front of dozens of people. I was upset and shaken by it all, boyfriend walked home alone, left me to it, and when I arrived at his house he was watching sport and eating a plate of sausage rolls as though he hadnt a care in the world.

The lady is 4 years older than him (50 years old), very overbearing, the sort that goes to the pub on her own every weekend and flirts with whoever is there. The comments she made were very petty, like "oh I could never sleep with him because he likes it too hot for me" (implying shed slept with him when really she hadnt but was his cleaner and his heating was set too high!!), then asking him who cooks the best roast dinners, me or her, telling me he always eats her food so why wont he eat the veg I cook him, etc etc, stupid daft little comments that are just made to rile me. Theres dozens more and it just gets to me. Ive made the effort to say hi and try and get along as shes his friend, yet she turned her back and ignored me. They both claim they were never more than friends but they had the sort of flirty friendship where he would pick her up and put her on his lap that sort of thing. And before we got together she fancied the pants off of him.

Shes friends with everyone in the village, I dread new years eve as everybody in the pub will be talking about me and pointing fingers at me after I had a word with her and I dont know how she will react.He on the other hand has not mentioned it at all whilst my life is in turmoil. Angers me that whenever we hit troubles, he never offers any support or backup. We previously had another mutual female friend that had said nasty stuff behind my back to him and he never stuck up for me then either. When my ex hubby came to the door once and was being vicious he hid in the bedroom!!! (well h was already in the bedroom when the door knocked but just stayed there to leave me to sort it through). Sometimes you just need to know your boyfriend is there by your side for a bit of moral support!!

Thanks all, any offers of advice welcome xxx

[Spring Haze]

Get a boyfriend with a backbone, and attempt to not let petty remarks rile you up.

[phys251]

When we guys fight or put down others, we're overt about it. FWIW, we don't often pick up on those sorts of subtle games, and I wonder if that isn't the real problem: your bf may honestly not know what's going on.

Pull him aside, let him know what she's doing to you WITHOUT pointing fingers at him, and then ask him to stand up for you if she does it again. Maybe even role-play the scenario so that he won't be caught blindsided in the heat-of-the-moment.

[IndiReloaded]

Congratulations. Your response let her know she finally got to you. Now you have to deal with this.

There are two ways to handle women like this: ignore them or completely own them. Unless you like protracted drama, there really isn't a middle ground. There are ways to do the latter w/o looking like a bitch yourself, btw. You just have to be smart about it. How you do it will really depend on your assets and your level of confidence.

[IndiReloaded]

Pull him aside, let him know what she's doing to you WITHOUT pointing fingers at him, and then ask him to stand up for you if she does it again. Maybe even role-play the scenario so that he won't be caught blindsided in the heat-of-the-moment.

That's not going to work. He won't do this, nor should he. What she needs to do is tell him straight up what is happening, and what she plans to do about it.

If I were this woman, I would pull this woman directly into my social circle. Force her to interact with me and make sure she knew how my BF felt about me. But I would be extremely nice to her, to the point where any inappropriate behaviour on her part makes her look like a completely insecure bitch. Shame is a powerful tool if used properly. One thing a woman cannot stand is to look like a classless tart compared to her rival.

Good luck, Star. Hope this helps.

[phys251]

That's not going to work. He won't do this, nor should he. What she needs to do is tell him straight up what is happening, and what she plans to do about it.

Wait, I don't get it. The OP said:

We previously had another mutual female friend that had said nasty stuff behind my back to him and he never stuck up for me then either. When my ex hubby came to the door once and was being vicious he hid in the bedroom!!! (well h was already in the bedroom when the door knocked but just stayed there to leave me to sort it through). Sometimes you just need to know your boyfriend is there by your side for a bit of moral support!!

Maybe it's because I'm new around here, maybe this is a male/female disconnect, but why on earth should her bf NOT stand up for her?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying she should be a doormat until he stands up. But sometimes when there is a power imbalance, strength can come in numbers. Male, female, it doesn't matter; if they stand together, they have a better chance of standing up to this bully. At least according to what I saw in the OP.

If I were this woman, I would pull this woman directly into my social circle. Force her to interact with me and make sure she knew how my BF felt about me. But I would be extremely nice to her, to the point where any inappropriate behaviour on her part makes her look like a completely insecure bitch. Shame is a powerful tool if used properly. One thing a woman cannot stand is to look like a classless tart compared to her rival.

Good luck, Star. Hope this helps.

[vashti]

We are (I assume) talking about adults here? Why should the boyfriend be pulled into his jealous girlfriend's girl drama? We are talking about a 50 year old man here, not a teenager. And why should he support public displays of bad manners?

Your problem (if you have one) is with your man who seems to be in need of attention, not the other woman. Trying to berate her publicly is pretty classless, IMO.

[IndiReloaded]

Trying to berate her publicly is pretty classless, IMO.

Agreed. If you do this, then she has won. You have to be smarter than this.

[xxstarxx]

Thank you all for your help and advice. Its a hard situation as I am an outsider in his circle of friends and pub where he is well known and liked. Its a small village where they live, I live in town.,and I have already had harsh gossip being said about me. I dont want to resort to bitching back at her or thinking up smart remarks everytime she opens her mouth, but then again, I dont want to be placed inn that situation again where I am arguing with her. I guess I just want to be on friendly terms with everyone in the village as life is too short. I get on fantastically well with my bfs ex wife and her friends and the majority of my boyfriend's friends.

I know I am maybe a little insecure due to some problems we had a few months back when my boyfriend was trawling dating and sex sites and this has left me a little vulnerable and I now view hostile women as competition. However, this woman has had a problem with me from the start which was not of my doing and was down to her entirely.