Reaching out after a fight, do you reach out first or wait?

[anya_may21]

I always reach out first to apologize for my part in it.

This is with friends, family or BFs.

I hate people I care about feeling mad at me and being silent.

[nico88]

It depends on the situation. Usually I am but I do need time to cool off first..

[somehelp4me]

I only reach out if I feel I am the one at fault, if I feel and know for a fact it is the other party, I'll wait and I can wait a good long while too =)

[anya_may21]

I had an ex who would start fights, leave, then freeze me out, and it wasn't even me causing any drama and then wouldn't even contact me to apologize.

That to me is messed up. He would do the same with his friends too, ended up losing me , other GFs and friends because of it.

He lived for the drama disturbances.

[woody]

Hey Anya,
Lots of variables on that one. It's tough when an argument is started; the whole he said, she said, no I didn't say that, you did, no I didn't. my golly, what a drag.
But when the love is there at the end of the day it doesn't matter who started it, or what was said; someones got to give. Often, our S.O's are too stubborn or we are and offering apology can be a high unclimbable wall especially if we know it wasn't our fault per say.
Yet as soon as we do say sorry, so do they. True, it would be nice if they gave in first now and then but some simply cannot.
I suppose the key might be knowing if an argument holds merit or is it pure B.S.

Just make sure that whom ever your arguing with, is worth the often intolerable baloney and that the makeups offer insight into a better understanding of any given situation.

And remember, the true and whole quality of a person is not only who they are when things are good, it is how they become when things aren't so good that shows us more of their true natures.
ie: how well do they debate? Do they pull out the low blows or do they do their best to be amicable?
Couples must learn how to argue well together.
goodluck Anya.

[anya_may21]

Thank you, woody, for your nice reply.

Also when one person goes into the past and digs up something that agreed to forgive on and then out it comes every fight as some weapon. Says to whomever on the receiving end you are not loved.

I know, I have felt at times if I apologize first and it wasn't even my fight was theirs I am admitting I am at fault because they can't be courageous enough to admit their part.

With my ex's and current BF they don't seem to understand the act of an apology, or its worth to another.

This is true what you said:

And remember, the true and whole quality of a person is not only who they are when things are good, it is how they become when things aren't so good that shows us more of their true natures

Unfortunately that persona is the one you grow not to love, and is more the true one then the other.

I like to talk things out, most men I know prefer to argue or walk away and then come back hours or a day or two after and pretend it never happened.

Denial heals nothing.

[woody]

Too true, denial heals very little.
Anya, in regards to the whole, bringing up past stuff in moments of outcry and temper; speaking as one who has done that to my own sweetheart (his ex tried to create some sillyness and rather than tell me about it, he kept it from me, his own denial) anyway, for years I would bring this up. I knew it was wrong and wasn't progressive or mature yet the hurt was still there, no matter how thoroughly we spoke of it, it would come back, that hurt again and again. I still get pissed off about it; but now, I keep it at bay, I do not bring out the big guns as it does nothing.

My point is, depending on how long you've been with your bf, sometimes it takes awhile for past hurts to subside. But eventually they do.
But here's my kicker; if its already been a long time with your bf and he's still bringing up past stuff in poor form and then you say that the 'Hyde' personality or 'Bluebeard' comes out more than 'prince Charming' , well, dear Anya, perhaps you need to free yourself up and head for greener pastures.

[anya_may21]

I always bring up a trip he took with his ex of his who he lied and said was a university friend, wasn't until later he said was an ex.

I use it as a point of reference when he says why do you never believe me, or think I am lying, it refreshes his memory in case he thinks it slipped my mind. Who holidays with ex's? platonic, no way.

Yes it was also because I was hurt and trusted and want to let him to why I don't trust a lot of times, his own actions.

You are right, I think they tune us out, if it doesn't matter to them anymore they don't get why it still hurts us. Lack of empathy, maybe?

We both do it to each other and we haven't been together that long and most has been LDR because of two different countries, seeing each other several weeks inbetween.

I never heard of the " Bluebeard " personality before. I am waiting to have him come here this visit, since always seems to be me travelling and when here for two weeks see how we go and take our decisions from there.

I think distance doesn't make the heart grow fonder as much as it makes it grow distrustful

Thank you, woody.