I've fallen in love with my best friend.

[whoweare]

I have found myself in the unenviable position of being in love with my best friend. I am a college-age male and my best friend is a female I've been friends with going back for over 7 years to our days in the same high school. We were good friends in high school, both members of the same tight social circle. We shared common interests, excelled academically and possessed similar personalities. After high school, we attended the same college and eventually transferred to the same university to pursue our degrees (both of us are still in school) and we actually live in separate, attached apartments.

The summer after graduating from school, we began hanging out occasionally on a one-on-one basis, strictly as friends. This was atypical for both of us, both of whom usually only spent time around members of the opposite sex unless in groups of people (her personal choice, mine more the result of a conservative upbringing). The bottom line: As trust developed, our friendship deepened. It has progressed to where we are now as friends. This is especially true over the past couple of years, particularly this past year.

It is a very emotionally rewarding friendship in many ways. We come to each other to talk about whatever life happens to throw in our respective directions. There are many details of her life that she shares only with me and vice versa and we each complement the other in various areas of "expertise". Since we live literally next door to each other, contact of some type occurs on a near-daily basis, even if it just a quick "What happened in your world today?" Her support has been crucial to me during this current semester through various personal struggles with depression and academic misfirings. She has struggled this semester as well and being there for her feels so natural. It is an open, two-way street.

The friendship we share is what it is, a selfless relationship of sharing and support with all of the requisite fun and laughter.

I realized long ago that she was a very beautiful, intelligent, independent woman. Going back to high school, there were a few occasions where I considered her to be someone that might be a female that I would date. Fast forward to present day, I can't imagine any other woman that I would rather spend time with.

I can't point to a specific time or event where I realized that I was in love with her. Looking back over the past few years, she has been there with me or for me through nearly all of the special events in my life. Nearly all of the best times involve her directly, from the concerts we have attended to the simple times spent with friends. I guess when I look at a woman as special and as genuine as she is, I understand how rare and beautiful and truly blessed I am to have her as a part of my life. We share many of the same worldviews, values and what we want out of life are nearly identical.

As I mentioned earlier, I come from a conservative religious background. It has taken the last 4 years sorting out the differences between how I was raised and how I truly understood the way the world around me worked. I am not religious (I am atheist, the friendly kind , and liberal, just as my friend is) and I have spent a great deal of time developing an in-depth knowledge of who I am. I realize that my best qualities (sense of humor, intelligence, disarming and approachable demeanor) have been responsible for landing me in the so-called "friend zone". Bear with me on this one...having taken time to sort out my "place in this world", if you will, I am now very calm and in touch with what I am doing in life and where I am headed. I have started working out and dieting in order to lose some of the excess weight that I carry around (I am about 50 pounds overweight), though I have been told that I am attractive for a "bigger guy". My friend has gone so far as to tell a mutual friend (who agreed with her) that I am a "catch".

I decided a while ago that I would not going looking into every little thing that my friend says and does to look for "clues" as to the potential that our friendship might develop into some more than it is. We have never been physically intimate behind hugging or the occasional arm around the shoulder - no kissing, no holding hands, no caressing or anything that would be found in a dating relationship. Within our shared social circle, there have been 3 mutual, close friends to both of us that have confided in me that they think we act like a couple sometimes and that they are surprised that we are not together. We have both dated people for short periods of time, though nothing has panned out for either of us. Both of us are single and in no hurry to have a significant long-term relationship at this point and I know that for me personally, seeing her dating other people provides a bit of a conflict of interests. My love for her as a friend leads me to support her interests, including dating others, and support her happiness but I would be lying if I told you that I didn't feel a twinge of jealousy towards "the other guy". I know that time for me would just stand still...forget sex, to kiss her or hold her close would be plenty for starters.

Given that I am not her "type" and that I am in the friend category, I don't stress all that much about the situation. As I have grown confidence-wise, I have developed some of my own interests which I have delayed pursuing due to a variety of excuses. I am still genuine as I always have been (it could be argued that not sharing my feelings for her could be construed as disingenuous, and I would not completely disagree with that point), though, for example, I have started to be more assertive in initiating other forms of contact with her, such as lightly touching her elbow or the small of her back when directing her attention to something.

The approach I have decided to take is to let the changes in me display themselves and if this changes her perceived level of attraction (friend to potential lover), so be it. It would likely be the best day of my life, even given all the potential pratfalls.

Can any of you offer any advice? I know this post jumps around quite a bit, as it is bound to do when it feels like there are so many things to say. I am not trying to force anything. If we are meant to be together, to be "more than friends", it will happen eventually. In the meantime, the steps I am taking to shake up how we interact while maintaining all of the things that makes our friendship as special as it is is a fine line. Falling for a best friend can go so wrong if handled incorrectly but I truly believe that this truly has the potential to be so much more. Any advice would be welcome. If anything needs clarification, I would be happy to provide it.

[v0ndutch]

I have started to be more assertive in initiating other forms of contact with her, such as lightly touching her elbow or the small of her back when directing her attention to something.

i'm new to this forum advice thing, but I think it's safe to say that this would be cute if you have known eachother for about a week, but 7 years! your relationship with her, (which is friends only at this point) is moving at the speed of a slug on drugs.

I don't think that i'd ever be attracted to a guy who would take that long to make a move. it just shows that he's weak, not confident, and I dunno, there's something not attractive about the whole thing, in a way it's almost a turn-off. I don't mean to hurt your feelings, but I'm just being honest.

I think it's safe to say that you're deep into the friendship zone, there's no question about it, and no hope of comming out of it.

[whoweare]

I understand. I really do. I spent a lot of time outgrowing shyness and other relics of my upbringing, hence the 7 years. You are right, though. That is an awfully long time. Do you think it is likely that as things change, as people (me) change, the roles we play in the lives of others change or is this just wishful thinking?

[whoweare]

I guess a better of way of asking that question is the following:

I view events in life as fluid. Very little is static. Does the same apply to attraction? Once a friend, always a friend or can things evolve, even at the pace of a slug on drugs?

[IndiReloaded]

Of course things can change. Clearly, your thinking on the matter has.

What is it that you want from your relationship? Are you happy w/the status quo or are you wanting change? Is she? Can you tell?

[whoweare]

Of course things can change. Clearly, your thinking on the matter has.

What is it that you want from your relationship? Are you happy w/the status quo or are you wanting change? Is she? Can you tell?

I would like see if the relationship can develop on a romantic and physical level, to complement the emotional connection we have shared for a long time. I would like to see the status quo change and I am not talking simply about jumping to sex or skipping any of the steps in between. I feel that there is long-term potential, serious potential, and though neither of us are looking for a serious relationship at this point, I do know from talking to her that she wants more intimacy in her life. I am not aware of an immediate desire on her side to change the way things are. I have noticed, over the past few months and especially within the past week, where she has made comments as it relates to "external" relationships, those involving mutual friends or television relationships (i.e. Jim and Pam on The Office) and what could be perceived as what I would call "leading statements", those which could possibly be probing for insight. I trust my gut when it comes to reading most situations and most people, particularly those people that I am closest to, and I think there is a definite possibility that she may have been testing me, to get my opinion on the situation. Either that, or she is aware of how I feel on some level, and was try to feel me out.

[Moonchild]

Once a friend, always a friend or can things evolve, even at the pace of a slug on drugs?

It's not common, from what I gather. But if you really want reason for hope... The guy I was with during my senior year in high school (and part of the way into the first semester of college) was my friend since 7th grade. I don't talk to him now, though. It might be awkward. D: So if things do happen, know that you might not continue to be friends if it doesn't work out.

[IndiReloaded]

I think you may have to 'shock' her a bit to get out of Friend Mode. Take her out on a 'real date'. Make sure she understands this explicitly. You may have to go a bit on the stereotyped side to ensure this (suit, flowers, nice dinner, show & then coffee/quiet place to talk) but done properly you could have a lot of fun with it. If she's into that kind of thing. I'm assuming you're at least in your mid-to-late 20s. Otherwise, I don't really know what to suggest. Its a difficult problem.

[whoweare]

I think you may have to 'shock' her a bit to get out of Friend Mode. Take her out on a 'real date'. Make sure she understands this explicitly. You may have to go a bit on the stereotyped side to ensure this (suit, flowers, nice dinner, show & then coffee/quiet place to talk) but done properly you could have a lot of fun with it. If she's into that kind of thing. I'm assuming you're at least in your mid-to-late 20s. Otherwise, I don't really know what to suggest. Its a difficult problem.

I agree 100%. It seems to be the general opinion that I need to shake things up in a way that changes the dynamic of the relationship. I am 22 and a late-bloomer in terms of confidence and social development, hence the long period of time that has elapsed. I am also stubborn as hell and willing to put in the work. I know what I want, and finding the best approach to this situation is of the utmost importance. Good advice Indi. Thank you.

[Mathias]

I'm 25, and my best friend is female as well. We've known each other for 10 years.

If I woke up one day and had romantic feelings for her, I'd shove them aside. Look--relationships are a completely different animal than friendships. Most of them don't work out. Why risk your BEST friend over it?

Doesn't make sense.

[IndiReloaded]

I hear you Mathias, and I've done exactly what you said: push away the thoughts about a friend b/c its not worth screwing the relationship.

But, it depends on where you're at & what you want w/this kind of thing. It sounds like Whowe doesn't merely want to date this gal, he wants a partner. Personally, I think 22 is a bit young to be thinking this way, but some ppl are lucky enough to find what they want at that age & are smart enough to go for it. And I suppose I'm being a hypocrite in that regard: I was with my husband at that age, tho we didn't marry for another couple years.

I know waaay to many ppl who found their 'ideal mate' in their late 20s, didn't go for it (or screwed it up) and now are struggling to find someone even remotely compatible.

I wish you luck Whowe.

[celestialxs]

I recently almost lost my best friend due to a similar situation. I lived with my best guy friend from Feb '07 to July '07 and, right before we moved in, he told me upfront that he wanted to date me. I told him I didn't think that was a good idea because: (A) I wasn't ready to date anyone as I recently broke up with my fiance, and (B) Although I did feel some attraction towards him, it wasn't strong enough for me to risk our friendship. I told him that if and/or when I felt comfortable with dating him, I'd come to him. He said he understood and didn't bring it up again for a few months.
Then, around April, he'd start bringing it up again. I felt like I had to repeat myself several times about my position on dating not only my roomate, but my best friend too. He tried to play upon my loneliness and semi-attraction by snuggling with me, playing with my hair, etc. I told him I didn't think it was a good idea for us to start fooling around, or even for him to play with my hair. He asked if it was because I was afraid he'd get the wrong idea or get attached. I said yes. He assured me that we wasn't getting attached. Being my best friend, I believed him.
We fooled around a bit, but never kissed and never slept together. I wouldn't allow it. I gradually stopped our physical closeness as I started to sense that, despite countless claims that he wasn't getting attached, my roomate was in fact getting attached.
Everything went down in May when I started dating my current boyfriend. My best friend was upset and mad-jealous. He couldn't understand why I would date others, but not him. I tried to tell him over and over again that he knew where I stood the moment he brought the subject up, and that I tried to feel ready for us to date, but I just could never risk it. Of course, the ironic part was that, by NOT dating him, I risked our friendship.
We maintained an acquantanceship for the last 2 months of living together and then moved to two separate apartments in July. Our friendship has slowly been building back up again, especially since he recently got a girlfriend. However, it will never be what it once was, and I feel so bad for my part in that, as well as his.

So, my advice is to be upfront and honest with your best friend. Tell her of your feelings for her and that you would like to date her if she feels the same way too. However, be considerate and take her very seriously if she says she's not ready. Don't try to convince her and don't take it personally because she may not want to risk losing your friendship, which is the biggest compliment of all because she's really considering your feelings. Good luck.

[IndiReloaded]

All in all, I'd say you handled that situation very well Celest.

[Cybog]

Why risk your BEST friend over it?

Because this socially inept nerd has never had any other interaction with another "female". He is so wrapped up in these Freudian-esque feelings for someone he has become so close to, he hasn't even allowed himself the possibility of getting close to anyone else.

Who else would hold up to her standards? Who else would be as perfect as this pedestal-lifted goddess his mind has created?

This dork just wrote a 1400 word essay that could be summed up in 60 with a well placed run on sentence:

I'm a loser, I'm fat, I'm pining over a girl who is obviously too good for me, and since she is the only chick I've ever had the balls to talk to, and who was kind enough to actually give me some attention, I am, of course, going to risk it all and try to make a move on her.

You want some advice? Lose the 80 lbs., the acne, the social awkwardness, the chick "best friends", the pathetic obsessions, and stop thinking everything is a "sign" when it isn't.

My love for her as a friend leads me to support her interests, including dating others, and support her happiness but I would be lying if I told you that I didn't feel a twinge of jealousy towards "the other guy". I know that time for me would just stand still...forget sex, to kiss her or hold her close would be plenty for starters.

Translation for the slow - She's boning some other dude who is getting the job done, and you are the backup plan / shoulder to cry on. You will never successfully be out of this position, so do yourself - and the rest of us - a favor by accepting this, and moving on. It's obvious she has.

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[IndiReloaded]

That's just not true, Cy. If he loses the weight, picks up his confidence & actually makes it brute obvious he wants to date her, he's got a good chance. It sounds like she likes him, but she's just not thinking about him 'in that way'. Yet.

Tho, I agree it will be quite the 180 he'll have to make. Its entirely possible that if he does change, he'll find that maybe she isn't all that great afterall once other gals start to take notice.