Torn between two

[spattykatty]

Hi,
first time here but looking for advice. Sorry if this is too longwinded.

I was married for 4 years and got divorced in 2004. We didn't have any children but we remained friends after the divorce.

I started dating someone else after my divorce and I am now engaged. We have broken up once because his negativity about everything was getting to me. He has done a complete 180 to improve his attitude. I broke it off again this past September because I felt unhappy but we got back together again.

My ex-husband and I got a divorce because a lot of things came our way that we were not prepared for. My mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer unexpededly, his step-father died and his mother moved in; his mother was then diagnosed with Huntington's disease. I lost my job and he was smoking a lot of pot and let his friend move in...the bills weren't getting paid. I had a miscarriage and my mother died a few months later followed by the death of a 5 year old relative from a brain tumor. My husband was mad that I wasn't home because I was taking care of my mother during her illness and I took offense and got a divorce.

I started dating someone that made me feel secure. He is about to graduate law school and we have a good time together. Because of the loss of my mother, my siblings and I don't get along right now because of their greed with my mom's estate. A lot of my friends are mutual friends with my ex so I am finding myself without a support structure at the moment. I am finding that I am missing my life I used to have before everything happened because I had such a strong network of friends and people that cared for me. Even though I still talk to those friends, I don't really hang out with them as much because I feel like my fiance may not feel comfortable since they are friends with my ex as well.

I love my fiance but at times I kind of don't like him. Sometimes our personalities don't mesh well. Our sex life is absolutely incredible and he has said it is my choice if I want to keep working once he is out of school or immediately start trying for a family. He is from a family that is well off and very close.

My ex is a fun loving person that everyone loves. He has a great personality and he would give the shirt off his back to anyone that needs it. He is not college educated but a very hard worker. I love him dearly but he smokes a lot of pot and our sex life was absolutely horrible (not for him). The pot smoking gives him the worst breath and his overall hygiene is not the greatest. His financial situation is in ruins because he can't manage his money very well. He is also the biggest procrastinator and puts things off or wants someone else to handle it.

I am a different person than I was when I was married. I have suffered a lot of loss and I am not as upbeat and happy as I used to be (I am in therapy for this). Sometimes I wonder if my current relationship is the underlying reason for my unhappiness or is it the fact that I have lost a lot in little time and I haven't properly grieved?

My fiance and I are getting along great at the moment. My ex and I still talk regularly (my fiance knows this). My ex has recently asked me to come home (my fiance does not know this). He says his life has been crap since I left and he misses me. Part of me wants to go home because my ex and I had a lot of really good times. I also feel a little guilty because he says he hasn't evolved one bit since I left and I feel like this is my fault for leaving rather than working things out. The other part wants to stay away because of all of his problems that he hasn't dealt with since I left.

I know I have to ultimately make the decision but I would love some opinions and advice about my situation because my friends are friends with my ex so they would love to see us back together. My therapist is not very helpful and I have been looking for a different one for a while now. So thank you for any outside advice/opinions!

[Gigabitch]

Bleeaaahhh. Neither one of these guys is right for you. Your ex is a big anchor that you managed to get off your neck- why would you want to go back to that? Bad sex AND bad breath? No, thank you. You know, Katty, that shit only gets worse as the years go by. You already got the best of him. Really.

And the new one... I'm getting the feeling you think you should be with him, not that you want to be.

Have you ever considered that you're feeling low because your relationships with your current man and your ex are sucking the life out of you? You've just been through a pretty rough time and it sounds like you haven't had any time or support to heal over.

You might feel better about your fiancee if you were, you know, available. You sound like you just need some time to yourself. Make some girlfriends. Fix things with your family.

[vashti]

I'm not sure what exactly is the problem with the fiance, but there is NO WAY I'd take back a broke pothead who was bad in bed and had poor hygeine. The fact that you'd even consider it quite honestly makes me question your judgement. I am wondering what your time with him represented on an emotional level? Perhaps less responsibility? More dramatic moments? Maybe you got to feel like the upbeat, happy person because he was sort of a loser, and you enjoyed that role?

You don't really say what the nature of your relationship is with your fiance, but you aren't describing any real problems. In fact, by comparison, he sounds like a prince. Maybe your depression has to do with anxiety about getting married or your isolation from friends and family? If I were you, I'd try to rectify those problems before giving up on a decent man. Marriage lasts a long time, and it would be unbearable with someone who lacked stability.

[Mish]

Hey spattykatty. I agree with Vash in regard to that you haven't really described the issues with your finance. Exactly what makes you wonder if your current relationship is the underlying reason for your unhappiness? What makes you think that way?

I can see a lot of problems in the relationship that you left, are you really ready to revisit all of these problems again if you return?

I agree with Giga in regard to you needing some time for yourself and for stability. You don't necessarily need to disband your current relationship for that. Especially if your current relationship is a nurturing relationship that provides you with a lot of support. It's good to spend time with old friends, you may need to make it clear to them not to hint in the direction of the old relationship. You can always make new friends (Work, friends of friends, friends of relatives, classes). The more contact you have with people the broader your experience and sphere of support will be.

I wish you luck with this and with finding a better therapist. I hope things will get better for you.