Men's opinions - can I get him back?

[Sunshimmer]

Hello men,
I want to know if you think I have a chance at getting my ex back.

We talked for a month and then dated for two. Things went quickly and we were both very happy.

Then...he bumped into an ex from three years ago and realized he still had feelings for her. He dumped me two days later, even though he had feelings for me, because he felt he needed to explore his feelings for her. He told me that breaking-up with me was hard because I was the first girl in three years that he hadn't lost interest in. Then, he asked me to be friends because he wanted me in his life. I declined but welcomed him to call me if things don't work out. That was two weeks ago.

I assumed he would realize his mistake and come back. After all, their relationship ended badly three years ago, he was angry at her for two years, he liked me, his family liked me, and I handled the break-up with maturity.

So...I texted him two days ago and agreed to be friends. He was happy I felt that way. Then I suggested coffee sometime next week. He said Tuesday and asked how things are going. I said good and asked him how he's been. He said busy then something about his head being up his ass. I made a joke then he texted me "You funny!" Is that not flirting?

My plan is to be friends with him because I really like him as a person.

My hope is he'll realize he made a mistake after we start hanging out. It's been my experience that men can't be friends with me. They always end up having a crush on me. I don't know why, I'm not a flirt. It just happens. If he was attracted to me before, won't he be attracted to me now?

K...so do I have a chance? Be honest please
Also, what do we talk about when we have coffee? Shall I ask if he's back with the ex?

Thanks,

P.S. I realize that I may end up getting hurt but I think he's worth the risk.

Edit: I should add that we are both 26 years old.

[alovehangoverr]

I think it sounds like you're setting yourself up for some disappointment.

You were together a short time, and all it took was bumping into an ex where things didn't end well for him to call things off with you. As for him wanting to be "friends," that can easily be translated into "I want to keep you around if things don't work out."

You haven't heard anything from him for 2 weeks, so either he's with his ex or if he's not, he's made the choice not to pursue you.

As for the flirting.. it just looks like he was pointing out something you said was amusing. Unless you get an "I miss you/I want to be with you/etc," you probably shouldn't read into it.

As for guys not being able to be "just friends," with you-- this guy wasn't.. he had a chance and he left you for someone else. I get the whole theory that if he was attracted to you once, he will be again.. but attracted or not, he dumped you, has been going after his ex, and hasn't talked to you until you initiated contact.

If I were you, I wouldn't want to take someone back that chose someone else over me.. probably because I'd be focused on the fact that things probably just didn't work with the ex and that's why he was coming back.

[IndiReloaded]

Do you know what a "Plan B" is? Alternately known as "Sloppy Seconds". Do a Search if not. That's you. Sorry.

[Sunshimmer]

Thanks for putting things into perspective. You make some very good points.

So, both of you think the he doesn't actually want to be friends. He just wants me around if things don't work out with the ex, which, is why he's agreed to meet for coffee. Is that correct?

So...do I cancel the coffee date? Do I call him up and tell him exactly how I feel? Help.

[Sunshimmer]

K, still sitting here thinking...

I honestly don't mind giving him another chance if things don't work out with her. I don't have self-esteem issues and I understand that he's confused and needs to sort things out before he can move on in life. That may mean, he gets back together with her or he gets closure from her. I really can't see things lasting if they get back together. How many couples do you know, successfully get back together after being broken-up for three years?

Having said that, I'm not going to wait around for him or put-off dating other men. The problem is, I'm so damn picky that it'll be a while until I find another man I'm attracted to.

I guess the coffee date is still on. I just have to stay strong and believe that he doesn't still have feelings for me.

[IndiReloaded]

There is nothing wrong with being friends. But your point about dating other guys and not 'waiting' for this one is sensible.

Fact is, this fellow has unresolved feelings for this other gal & that's a hard thing to compete with. Frankly, its his issue, not yours so you are under no obligation to wait or deal with any of it.

Good luck.

[Sunshimmer]

Hey, just an update incase you are curious.

We had a time set to meet tomorrow and then I started feeling sick to my stomach. I called him to tell him I wasn't ready to meet him or be friends. He understood and then we had some small talk which was nice. After that, I asked him about his ex...things are going well. At least that gives me some closure.

Later in the evening, I texted him and said that I wish he would change his mind and give us another try because we liked each other. Then I said that I realize that is unrealisic so I need to move on and in order to do that, I have to delete his number from my phone. He understood and apologized for everything.

That last thing I said was, thanks for a great couple of months. He replied, no, thank you=) Bahh...why did he have to say that? It doesn't make me feel better that he enjoyed our time together. It just makes me more confused as to why he had to dump me and why I have to be going through this.

Dumpers...just a tip. Don't do that! It's mean.

K...I'm done. Moving on...

Thanks for listening.

[lahnnabell]

His response seems like a knee-jerk manipulative reaction to see if you'd buy into it. Don't let it work. Or maybe he's just clueless and had no idea how you'd take it. Either way, leave it be. Move on. Best of luck.

[IndiReloaded]

Well, you basically told him you'd be interested if things don't work out for him w/this other gal. Your text later put you on the verge of sounding desperate, btw, so I'd leave it at that.

Don't read in too much to what he was saying. He was likely being polite and sparing you embarrassment. Its what I'd call a 'graceful out'. It is now your job to accept it, gracefully, and stop chasing this guy. He may like you, but he's chosen to be with someone else. In other words "he's just not *that* into you".

Lots of other nice, single fellas out there for you, doll. Don't waste another thought on this one.