Boyfriend wants a break

[starlete123]

Hi this is my first time posting and I hope you guys can help...

Background: I am 25 and my boyfriend is 29. I am living in another country (have been for the last 1.5 years), my bf is from here but lived in my home country for a good chunk of his life as well (15 years). We started dating a few months after I started living here, so have been dating about a year. He also practically moved into my apartment about 5 months ago, but recently moved out as a result of this "break". We have had our problems, mainly being that I am too dependent on him since I dont have many of my own friends here other than him and his friends AND we also work in the same building! However, he has said things to me like he doesnt want to meet the friends I make here because they arent important in a long term sense (since I am only temporarily living here) so it basically makes me choose HIM over my friends almost all of the time - which isnt fair.

So, a couple months ago we started having major problems. I felt he was always lying to me and turns out I was right - though, he was only lying about very small things that I imagined were much worse (like, cheating). I would constantly accuse him of being up to something, just because I could sense the lying even though it turned out it wasnt anything major he was lying about (according to him of course! - he lied a few times about who he was hanging out with, some girls - which I dont even care about because half the world is female so its unavoidable but I guess he didnt want to make me worry so lied about it. Making him an idiot.) Another one of our problems is that he doesnt want to have s*ex with me nearly as often as I would like. I am BEGGING for it. He seems to only want to 1-2 per week (for the last 6-7 months). He said its because he sees me too much and we talk too much, and all of my accusations about his lies make him not attracted to me. And, he also said he doesnt have as high of a libido as me (with previous bf's - even one I had for 4-5 years - we would have s&ex nearly every day and thats more my speed since its about the initimate bond). I know its not everything, but I just feel totally unattractive since my bf CONSTANTLY turns me down. Of course this is also why I thought he was cheating... Another thing he mentioned as related to the lying and no-sex, was masturbation. I asked him how often hes been jacking off instead of doing me and he said also 1-2 per week. Then he asked if I care if he watches porn while he does it, which of course I dont - its not cheating? But I do wish he had sex with me instead of jerking off. And then he asked if I care if he went to live sex shows (without me). I kind of flipped and said, I would definitely go WITH him but would definitely not be comfortable if he is going by himself. Especially since I AM BEGGING FOR SEX. So I got pretty pissed he was even asking this, and then he said he was asking it like an analogy as to what kinds of things he needs to tell me about (i.e. what constitutes lying). This seemed like a big red flag to me, and its something difficult for me to let go - this didnt seem like some random hypothetical question he was asking even though he claims he has no interest in this and it was truely a random question... hmmmmmm....... Coupled with the fact that I dont have a lot of my own friends, we were living together, see each other during the workday in the same building, talking during the day via email/text message - he wanted space from me. I obviously freaked out (stupid I know) and was naggy and needy please dont leave me blah blah blah. So, last week he finally decided he couldnt take it anymore and we broke up - because he said all he really wanted was some space but since I wasnt able to give it to him he had to choose to break up (in an ideal world where i wasnt a whiney gf, he would have just needed me to respect his space). Now, we are together-ish I guess have decided to have a (no-cheating) break for 1 month to figure things out. Part of it is just to get space from each other, part of it is for me to really establish my own group of friends from the few that I already do have, part of it is for both of us to really evaluate if we want to be together or not and if we are really the right people for each other. [He is naturally the kind of guy that likes doing his own thing/having a more separate life from his gf - while, I am more the bf/gf type and like going out with friends, etc. WITH my bf 90% of the time. He is also moving back to my home country around the time I am expected to return home so we are pretty serious about trying to work it out and have a future]

So, it seems like he genuinely wants space and I did the classic wrong thing of not giving it to him (because I am in another country and am exceptionally needier than usual). Plus, I tend to think people know if they want to be with someone anyway and if he wants to be with me then thats that and often a break to me is just breaking up so I really didnt give him the space in the first place. My question is if you think he really wants the 1 month off to evaluate things with me and wants genuine space? Or, if he found someone new and is stringing me along a little (of course, I am on forums like this reading horror stories and freaking myself out in my desperate state)? Hes said things like he thinks our current situation sucks because I do not have my own circle of friends (and since I am a foreigner here it is difficult to really make a close group of friends anyway, which he understands) and we also work in the same building, etc. He says he sometimes wishes we could just completely start over when we both return to my home country. (In my paranoid state, I took this as code for him wanting to enjoy his last 6 months hooking up with other girls in his home country and then reconvening with me when we are in MY country since that would be more convenient - thats probably not the case, even if it is a possibility).

HELP. I am obviously a blithering mess over this guy.... I think I probably really screwed it up, but I need to know if this is really about space at this point or if maybe hes already decided to move on and I am just like the desperate back up girl that he will string along until we go back to my country. And, if this is just about space - what should I do now? How should I handle this? Just not talk to him at all - its an entire MONTH. Its been about 4 days and we have talked, but he doesnt seem interested in talking really nor does it seem that he misses me (especially over this weekend, he really didnt talk to me at all - so of course I jump to conclusions that hes enjoying his time with some other girl(s)).

Can someone please tell me w.t.f. is going on with this guy???? All of my friends think I am nuts to even care about him since this relationship sounds extremely dysfunctional. I am at whits end here.

[Caguy]

Give him a break if he simply needs to have some time by himself. But this is generally speaking... what i am "guessing " is he wanted out of the relationship... By being in "break" your relationship with him him will not necessary improve. but yes give him a break and let him come back if he loves you, he will contact you if he wants to be with you.

Good luck

[smackie9]

No he wants a month off to see if you will make the changes you need to make. You need to stop being needy and clingy. You need to learn to have a life of your own outside the relationship and let him have his own. Show some independence, and maybe create a new you, a new attitude towards your relationship. So yes stop talking to him, and focus on yourself, your life, and spend time with friends.

[starlete123]

Thanks for your responses. I totally agree that I need to have more of my own friends and my own life but he makes that exceptionally difficult by saying he has no interest in meeting or hanging out with them. In previous relationships that I considered normal - we didn't go out all the time together but we certainly shared our friends and would often go out as a couple. He seems to want at least 3 nights per week to go out and do his own thing on a regular basis (we live in a major city so people go out literally 5-7 nights per week). Maybe he wants all this time to go out because he hasn't been getting enough space but this seems like a lot to me if he wants to be able to have half the week going out without me on a regular basis, etc. My friends think maybe he has some other girls or something - but I don't think so, but I'm really not sure. I have constantly questioned him about these kinds of things (like why he wants to be able to go out so much without me) which created more frustration and less space but since he didn't want to have sex either it made me more worried. Do you really think its possible he just has needed more space and it's spiraled into affecting our sex life and now has led to this break? Or do you think he hasn't been that into me for a while and has maybe been dating other girls on the side? I am so confused right now and his behavior seems very strange to me. I should probably just take your advice though and shut up and if he wants me he will come to me. If not, then good riddance. Loving him obviously makes this easier said than done.

[rappelz]

I'm interested in what you said

[starlete123]

Said about what? Sorry I am not sure what part of my post you are referring to haha

[smackie9]

It's a spam bot, ignore it.

[vashti]

I think he's too cowardly to just flat-out break up with you, and so is calling it a "break". He's been lying to you all along, what makes you think all of a sudden, he is going to turn into an honest guy?

[starlete123]

Yea, I definitely hear you on that. Especially since he seems to think a little bit of lying is OK in the first place (he blames this on cultural differences, which I think might be a crock of sh...) But, he says that he only told the lies he did because he thought I would overreact and/or it didnt seem worth mentioning to even upset "us" for one second. I told him that I could sense it and that caused bigger problems than what he was lying about in the first place - of course, now I have trust issues because my instincts about him are really off (how can I trust what he did tell me is even the whole truth, will I just think hes lying all the time now?, etc.) He seemed extremely guilty when he told me what he was lying about though so... I dont know. I am going to give the break a shot and honestly expect that its just short for break up. If he doesnt want to break up after that, well - I dont know then. But, one thing is for sure that if he treats me the same way when we return to my country - I will surely dump him since I will have more/better options than here (predominantly due to language barrier alone). I just wish I could figure it out. He mostly blames me for everything (though he admits he was in the wrong too) but turns it all around on me somehow... ah... what a mess...

[vashti]

Which culture (in his opinion) thinks lying is okay? Just curious...

[starlete123]

well Buddhist I guess. His exact words were "I'm not Christian, telling small lies is not a sin to me". (his "small" lies involve lying about entire evenings out - for example, saying he went with his 2 guy friends when he really went out alone with a female coworker "so she could complain about her bf" - or saying he was only with 2 guy friends but really they invited a bunch of girls, but no mention of the girls in fact he would say ONLY A and B went out with me). I said, "Plenty of Christians lie, plenty of people lie - and I and my significant other arent one of them to lie to each other. its a personal belief, not Christian, and its one you can share or not". He seemed to shut up after that and said "Well as I told you, now that I know you arent comfortable with me lying, I would stop doing it but you dont believe me". Ahem, said the liar. Hahaha

Oh and I am not even Christian really. Barely raised Christian even - I often say that I am agnostic if I have to describe myself. So he is really doubly an idiot.

Since fully admitting the lying - I made it clear I have had bf's be wing men in the past. And I have had bf's have female friends, coworkers, etc. Sure from time to time people get jealous (I am not exactly NOT a jealous person) but if you are just honest with me - then I will learn to deal with it. I have had bf's tell me all about how they went to this or that bar and helped so and so pick up this girl but she wasnt into him and gave him her phoen number instead, blah blah blah. Yeah, I kind of scoffed at them but we ultimately laughed about it 20 minutes later. So, this is the kind of honest relationship (aka normal relationship) I am used to - whereas apparently he is used to hiding things from his significant other. He even says stuff like he wouldnt care if I dated other people or cheated on him as long as he never found out. What kind of idiotic logic about ignorance is bliss is that? At least on the ignorance is bliss concept, I do blame that on potentially a cultural difference. I am living in Japan, so... However, I am posting on this forum and would like to avoid analyzing him as a Japanese man and instead just as a man. Basically anything I read about Japanese men is terrible, and I think it would be narrow minded of me to not deal with him as an individual. I dont think all men here are the stereotype we hear about, and I think that stereotype is definitely becoming a thing of the past. Unfortunately though my very westernized Japanese bf conveniently blames things on "cultural differences" though. Several of my other foreigner friends have said that these kind of "international Japanese guys" (and girls) often use this cultural argument in their favor. So, I am basically trying to ignore it for the time being.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

You should start moving on. End it for him, since he can't for whatever reason. Whatever is going on, surely is not worth what you're going through is it? You haven't said one good thing about him.

[starlete123]

Well of course, the good times are great which is what keeps me in this. But yes I totally hear you. I actually tried breaking up with him several times over all these things but, didn't really stick - I was just extremely angry. He says the month break is for us to step away from the mess we creates for "us" and evaluate the relationship, etc then hopefully get back together with a fresh mindset. My thought is that I feel like I'm the one doing all the changing and doubt he will do
Anything at all and still complain about me - even if there's plenty imperfect about him. I guess im
On here to just try to figure him out. For other people to help figure him out... Sounds like you are all saying it doesn't matter though since its just not working.

[iamaninnocentma]

look what happened to ross and rachel after a break. He pumped a stripper, and 5 series later they were married. only in america

[starlete123]

That was not encouraging at all lol