Sticky ex-boyfriend situation - Advice needed!

[randomusername]

Hi all, I know you probably get plenty of first timers posting here fueled by a mixture of heartache and impatience looking to clarify what they already know, so I apologise if I come across in that way! I've never joined a forum for advice from strangers but I'd genuinely value any of your opinions.

It's nothing too dramatic.. my girlfriend and I have been 'together' for 2 months and have only known each other for about 5 months. I've been in a handful of year-or-two-long lasting relationships before and I like to think of myself as far from naive but I genuinely love the girl. I can't believe my luck and it makes me reflect quite humourously on my past heartaches and headaches if you know what I mean...

Anyway.. The issue is her ex. I'm 26 by the way and she's 22, she was with her ex boyfriend (same age as her) for 4 years, it was her first relationship and her first taste of love. They split about 3 months before we met and considering the circumstances (first love, length etc) I knew there'd be a few hiccups but I'd have been a fool to let that get in the way unless I thought she still had a thing for him, which I'm sure she does not.

I'm better looking, a lot more mature, infinitely more intelligent / better in bed / suited to her (her words not mine!) etc. My concern isn't that she wants him again as she said she now views their relationship as nothing in comparison to ours even at this early stage but more that she's started saying she has the occasional urge to contact him. I don't quite know why this bothers me as I've never been the jealous type before? She never thinks about him when she's with me but she occasionally thinks of him when she's alone for any length of time. They were your textbook miss-matched youthful couple; met in a club, lustful, allowed herself to get emotionally attached to someone that she shares nothing with but intimacy which then creates the illusion of love, comfort... nothing to be ashamed of, we've all been there.

He broke her heart and wanted nothing to do with her until months after when he discovered that we were seeing each other and then all of a sudden he quite selfishly wanted her back (no longer had her as a backup / comfort blanked, wants what he can't have, again we've all been there). I know she's not fully over him which makes me think we probably met too soon but if we'd had met before she wouldn't have been single and any later and we wouldn't have met at all.. it was pure chance but we're fine with the timing. The two main reasons for her desire to contact him (in her words as a result of my prodding) are:

1) He really hurt her and I suppose subconsciously she doesn't fully want him to get over her as she wants him to suffer in the same way / doesn't want him to forget about her
2) She misses his family, walking his dog, his home, the fact that he knew her well (purely as a result of time).. she misses everything but him really haha - which is understandable as you do often get attached to the aspects of what you think is a nice relationship to convince yourself it's all good.

She said she's comforted by the fact that she could talk to him if she needed to, but I'm hoping that she'll gradually lose the desire to do that over time. I guess this has all made me realise that when I feel a lot for someone perhaps I can get a little insecure! I've told her it'll take much longer to get over him if she keeps contacting him and that he is clearly already hurt and regrets breaking up with her but for all for the wrong reasons and that you need to let him move on and find happiness (he text her once recently saying something like "I can't even think of sex with other girls other than you, I can't stop thinking about you". She keeps telling him that she's moved on and is happy. It's all very confusing!

In case it's not clear she is a very considerate, extremely mature, maternal, sweet and shy person, not spiteful or a typical youth at all. I generally have quite little patience for issues like this but I have to appreciate that she's young and very sensitive, usually I'd have run a mile from the baggage but you only live once and I'm utterly in love with her! She got quite emotional the other day on a rather romantic evening in and said that I'm too good to be true and that for the first time she's been infatuated with me from day 1 and could seeing us being together indefinitely, which despite being a bit full-on I'm actually fine with and couldn't agree more. Neither of us were looking for anything serious but.. you know how it goes.

I've wracked my brain thinking about it so I was wondering whether a fresh mind (or 10) could possibly foresee any problems in the not to distant future or if it is just a minor hiccup caused by the timing of our meeting?

I guess I'm just a sap looking for reassurance! Go easy on me

[BackUpOrGetStng]

You need to crush this immediately. **** her youth and sensitivity. Tell her she stops contacting him or you're done, and mean it.

[Luis64]

I agree with the above statement. If you were her one and only you would be able to fulfill all her desire and she wouldn't need to contact anyone else. Be careful, she is definitively emotionally attached to her ex and could definitively hurt your relationship with her. Somehow very carefully tell her how you feel and let her know she needs to respect you and the relationship itself.

[basilandthyme]

I find it's alarming that she's responding to his messages about still wanting her. I realise that she's telling him that it's over, but why hasn't she blocked his messages? Out of curiosity, has she blocked his emails and dumped him as a social media friend?

[randomusername]

Thanks for the responses guys!

BackUpOrGetStng - I appreciate your angle, although personally I think it's worth pursuing with a little bit of patience as she's such a perfect girl?

Luis64 - In reference to pursuing her desires; I've already put that statement to her and she responded saying that he doesn't given her anything that I can't x100, is this not just an immature attachment that will fade? But I agree, I find it disrespectful.

basilandthyme - They never emailed but she has deleted him from FB etc, and his friends / family. He didn't contact her from June (breakup) to late August when he found out she was seeing me. I know a lot of people want to remain friends with a recent ex (sadly, for 'friend-or-nothing' purposes which can be painful) for comfort, but realistically it never ends up as more than an occasional online catchup / nothing at all, but obviously she's not experienced the benefit of cold turkey so it's hard to just tell her that it'll all be fine so long as you ignore him. I've said that, she just finds it hard. In my experience personally. What a headache!

By the way - She isn't in constant contact with him, this is couple of message exchanges every 2 or 4 weeks. I know she needs to say to him "This isn't fair, I love *me* and I can't keep contacting you because it'll make it harder for both of us. I care about you, and should respect me enough to not contact me." - But, I'm working on that.

[michelle23]

I would not tolerate this. Id dump her if she refuses to cut contact with him. If she means all the stuff she says about you and her then she will have no problem kicking him out of her life for good. Its been 8 months since they split up. She got what she wanted. She wanted him crawling back on his knees begging for another chance just so she could tell him to get lost. Isnt that every dumpees dream?

So why is she still talking to him?

[BackUpOrGetStng]

She obviously isn't perfect if you're here. Put a stop to it now, or it will get worse.

Stop being such a pussy. Whining about it to her will just make you look like more of a bitch, and she will respect you less. If she knows it won't be tolerated, she'll probably get on board. You're a puss, so you'll probably have to learn the hard way, it will be a good lesson though.

[randomusername]

Well, whats your view on perfection? If she isn't perfect in my eyes then I wouldn't care enough to sign up to a website for the first time in my life for advice, I'd have ditched her already. I've dumped many a girl for things far less problematic, I take it you've had a few bad experiences?

On the other hand, I know I need to confront her about it again otherwise it will constantly be on my mind but she's away until new years eve! Thanks for the tips!

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Well, whats your view on perfection? If she isn't perfect in my eyes then I wouldn't care enough to sign up to a website for the first time in my life for advice, I'd have ditched her already. I've dumped many a girl for things far less problematic, I take it you've had a few bad experiences?

On the other hand, I know I need to confront her about it again otherwise it will constantly be on my mind but she's away until new years eve! Thanks for the tips!

My view on perfection, in parallel with the definition, is that nothing is wrong. Clearly something is wrong or you wouldn't be here. If you thought she was perfect, you wouldn't want to change a single thing that she does..ever. You do, so she is not perfect. I've never had a bad experience involving anything like this, because as soon as I realize a girl still talks to her ex, she becomes just a **** to me. Now that I think about it, my experiences were pretty good..I was the one banging the girl with the boyfriend.

You're in for a bumpy ride. I'm going to grab some popcorn.

[randomusername]

Perfection to me is someone that is ideal for you, and circumstantial annoyances (meeting too soon) shouldn't play too big a part in it. Otherwise, good luck in finding happiness in love? I have been honest with her about how I feel. I'm too old for games, I can quite easily recognise games and I know when someone has hidden motifs and intentions. She does not. I'm genuinely not worried about her going back to him, I know it wouldn't work - I've explained to her how I've gone back to people / got people back in the past in identical situations due to loneliness / being bored of the single life and it always blows up very soon after for the same reasons it did the first time round. She knows that, she agrees with me and assures me doesn't want him anyway. And I believe her, he has nothing to offer her anymore. As I said, in her words not mine; I emasculate him in every way possible. Physically and intellectually.

Surely it's not a matter of 'letting her go' to then hope she comes back to me when it's me she wants anyway? I'm sure her feelings are based purely on the fact that we met too soon and she didn't have time to mourn him due to the fact he got back in contact with HER as a jealous response to knowing that she is now with me?

Sorry if it seems like I have all my own answers, I appreciate your views but despite advice from the left and right I know that's how she feels so I guess it comes down to.. Given that the above circumstances (in this reply) are true, do you as a guy think there is a good chance she will just eventually forget about him?

One idea I had is to let her meet up for him with a coffee in the new year, for closure. That's probably the best way to get it out of her system. Good / bad idea?

Thanks again!

[TablesandChairs]

She needs to learn a few lessons - as we all did at 22, especially if we're talking first love/relationship stuff.

I was silly enough to take my ex back (because of his love declarations after he found out I had moved on) and ended things with a guy who was infinitely better. I didn't give that new relationship a chance because I was stuck in the past - I thought I wanted what I 'had'. It didn't take me long to realize the stuff I thought I wanted back didn't mean so much to me anymore. It was just reverie/looking back with rose-colored glasses instead of seeing things realistically.

Everyone loses something when they break up with someone - it could be a relationship with their family, it could be spending time at their place because you really liked their garden, their dog, their uncle...whatever. That's life. Moving on means moving on - it means accepting it's over, accepting some of the losses and looking forward to creating something new and just as good (if not a lot better) with someone else.

You used the term 'security blanket' in reference to how her ex sees her - I think she is using him in the same fashion. Keeping him on the back burner instead of setting him (and herself) free by being 100% committed to moving forward.

I don't necessarily think you should break up - that's over-kill if she's someone you truly value and thus far, she hasn't cheated or anything like that. But you don't want to be the guy left thinking "wow, I should have seen that coming". Ask her to make a clean decision and stick to it as it's making you feel uneasy. That's a very fair request when you're investing in her emotionally.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Perfection to me is someone that is ideal for you, and circumstantial annoyances (meeting too soon) shouldn't play too big a part in it.

You are a ****ing idiot. Perfection does not mean ideal, it means...perfect.

As I said, in her words not mine; I emasculate him in every way possible. Physically and intellectually.

Then why are you even here worrying about this?


Time will tell. I'll probably be around when/if you come back.

[michelle23]

A rebound is a rebound. It doesnt matter if your better looking, better in bed, more intelligence, more successful, bigger dick, treat her better.. etc etc. Your still not HIM.. sorry but thats how these things work..

i didnt even like my ex. Dont know why i was even with him but long story short-he cheated, i dumped him. I was hurt.. met someone waayy better in every way but didnt fall for him coz i was emotionally unavailable. Thats life