i have a lot, lost a lot, i'm just unhappy

[laughingface]

i had a few relationships already, people said when we gain more experience we would know how to deal with things more
but the more experience i get, i felt it's harder for me to be happy
i can't forget the ones had been in my life, can't forget the moments we had together
i was never the one wants to end things, but i couldn't continue because there's so much pain
i wish for simple relationship, but everytime things just get so complicated, out of control.
i was never that jealousy, never want to control anyone, i don't get angry when i'm suppose to be, i follows and accepts when sad things happen to me (like being cheated on, being ignored, being lied to) i used to spent hours sit there, feeling confused, and i'm too numb to feel sad. maybe that's the reason i can never hold onto anyone

now finally, i got a boyfriend who loved me so much, he would drive 2 hours to my house everyweek because i don't know how to wash my dishes, or i have a pile of underwear needs to be washed, or my floor needs to be cleaned, i need to eat healthy food, i don't know how to take good care of my self. he come and take cares of everything and make love to me, feed me with his love.
he would call me every morning because i always forget to get up on time for school, call me everynight to make sure i don't stay in school too late.
but somehow i still feel sad a lot of the times...... i know my boyfriend doesn't want to hear about the guys i had, the things i went through, doesn't want to hear about how sad i feel right now.
i don't want him to feel his effort still can't make me happy either.
everytime when i contact him i would give him the happiest time i can be able to give him.

right now i'm sitting in my school lab. listening to music, i felt tears in my eyes, but i don't know why. i wonder when i can just be happy, like i was when i'm in high school.
maybe i'm too weak, too soft. i wish i'm stronger, happier

[LeonardEugen]

You will be happy when you will decide to move one, to let go of your past relation ships. I understand from what you write here that even this boy is so good, you don't love him. Maybe is better to talk to him and resolve the problem that u have. In the past relation ships we need also to remind us about the bad moments, not only the happy, and also to put in a balance what you have now, and what you had before. You have to thinks like this, what is best? Pain or happiness? Hope i will hear more from you. take care, Leo

[laughingface]

i know i should move on, everytime when something is wrong, i would think think and think, i would tried to make the best solution out of it...
but now i found love and feelings...they don't have that much reasons and logic in them.

sometimes i felt i forget about everything, but a music he used to listen to, a line he love to say when we were together, when i heard them i feel hurt
but if you ask me do i still want to be with him, or him or him....i would say no
even if we do come back together, things are different, we all changed, feelings have changed, situation changed......
we can never go back to the happy carefree time we used to have

the boyfriend i have right now, he's doing all the things i ones wished the other would do when we were together. i felt i'm so important to him, i'm being protected.
but at the sametime.......i can never share with him these feelings that are surrounding me every moment
and i have too much pride, i would never go back to my exs and tell them how i still feel hurt. whenever they see me i'm always happy, always seems to move on in my life. i always wish them happy because i don't want to get in their way for their life and happiness. just like how i don't want to unhappy my boyfriend now~

i ask god am i asking for too much...

[LeonardEugen]

so what advice you want from us, cause i see you already have all the answer. Or you only need some one to talk?

[laughingface]

reasons is with the mind not with heart...right now i can't fix my heart with my mind

anyways...i'm just unhappy..my sky is grey, it is for the past 3 years

[laughingface]

...why you to die? what did you do?

[LeonardEugen]

it's only a quote i like the sound of it. but sometime... never mind me. I din;t do anything only that i was hurt so much when i broke up whit my ex. this is way i want to start over by joining the french legion. well but enough about me.

[laughingface]

i see~
it's nice to get hurt when we are still young

[LeonardEugen]

pain have the place in life, whit out pain will not be happiness but sometimes i hate the pain this is way i think happy thoughts .pain is not nice but, is something that we have to manage . I'm making judo and i don't like pain . It was a joke i know what u are trying to say.

[laughingface]

You will be happy when you will decide to move one, to let go of your past relation ships. I understand from what you write here that even this boy is so good, you don't love him. Maybe is better to talk to him and resolve the problem that u have. In the past relation ships we need also to remind us about the bad moments, not only the happy, and also to put in a balance what you have now, and what you had before. You have to thinks like this, what is best? Pain or happiness? Hope i will hear more from you. take care, Leo

pain have the place in life, whit out pain will not be happiness but sometimes i hate the pain this is way i think happy thoughts .pain is not nice but, is something that we have to manage . I'm making judo and i don't like pain . It was a joke i know what u are trying to say.

yeah~ it's easier to get happiness when we are strong, pain makes us strong~
my boyfriend told me he loves the sadness in my eyes....
and i told him there's a price i have to pay for it

[LeonardEugen]

i'm going home right now. Take care and see u soon. by by

[laughingface]

k, see you~

[LeonardEugen]

hi again. hope you are ok

[lovedoctor007]

Just try to live the moment CARPE DIEM! "He who lives in the past, is not happy"

[kms]

You're in school you say? I'm assuming college? If so, go to the health center and see a therapist. It sounds like you've had unhealthy relationships in the past and also have trouble with self-esteem, boundaries, standing up for yourself, expressing appropriate emotions (such as anger when someone treats you badly, etc.). It also is concerning that you are havig trouble with taking care of yourself on a basic level, such as cleaning your apartment, doing your laundry, even waking up and going to bed on time. I'm wondering if this is all a result of deep depression? Have you always been like this?

Your boyfriend, although he may truly want to help you, cannot shoulder all your issues all by himself. He's involved with you, in a relationship with you - this kind of a burden will not only bring him down, but also the relationship itself. Let a trained professional help you through all this instead. If you care about him, and your relationship, don't dump it all on him. Take it to a professional instead. Plus, university counselors see these types of issues very often when working with college student populations (depression, trouble with relationships, self-esteem, time management, etc.).