With Older Woman and Need Your Help!

[ineedhelpnow]

Im a 29 year old guy and have been dating a 50 year old woman for 9 years. For the first 8 and half years we have had a long distance relationship. This is because im a pro fighter and have to live in certain places to train properly and she worked as a teacher in another state. I just recently moved in with my girlfriend. It seems that ever since I moved in with her she is a different person. My parents at first were not happy about this relationship but now have accepted it and they enjoy my girlfriend. I consider myself a handsome guy. I got dark hair with blue eyes and also in very great shape. Getting girls my own age is never really a problem but I really love older women. Also I love my girlfriend very much. Im sorry to say but I cheated on her before while I was living in Las Vegas. The temptation was too strong to resist. She found out and took it very hard. I felt very bad what I did to her. She accepted my apology and alowed me to move in with her. While living with her she keeps bringing up her male friend John in conversations that works with her. They text and call each other. This gets me very upset. So I mentioned to her who is this guy John? She said oh dont worry hes gay. She said she have known him as long as we have been together, but I just recently heard about him. Ive seen her go out to eat breakfast with this guy and starbucks for coffee, but she trys to hide it from me. She sees him at work, texts him and calls him and it seems like she is caring more about this guy then me. She said shes been over to his apartment before for parties he had. She knows how angry this makes me but she talks with this guy. Ive seen a old facebook message she sent him in 2009 that she wote "lets make a date" and my girlfiend said I was not asking him out on a date, its just an expression. Yesterday was his birthday and she spent two hrs decorating his classroom the night before, got him a present, and texted him at 6:50 in the morning to be the first person to wish happy birthday to him. Shes also been acting different around me also. Is she cheating on me or am just thinking crazy things? Do you think this guy is really gay how do I know?

[Wakeup]

Why don't you ask her to introduce you to him so that you become his friend as well. If she doesn't want you to meet him, or she makes excuses to avoid that happening then I'd say you have something to worry about.

Explain to her that you view one-on-one meet ups with this guy to be a relationship boundary crossing activity and how does she feel about them keeping it to group functions only or, the three of you meeting up and cut out the one-on-one, date like activities. Make her understand that because YOU cheated you think he'll cause her to cheat too... (because that is exactly what you're thinking either consciously or sub-consciously) so you might as well communicate that to her and see if she understands or, can at least aleviate your fears of abandonment.

Good luck.

[bulrush]

So it's ok for you to cheat, but not her? How does that work? That's not something a mature person would say.

OTOH, it might very well be that the guy is gay, and she is getting her emotional needs met with him. Emotional needs are very important to women.

BTW, I love older women. It seems by age 40 they are just starting to get their crap together and there's a lot less drama.

[informationseek]

Hey all, I am the girlfriend and I just want you to hear my side. I do have a gay friend. I have known him for 15 years - almost twice as long as I have known my boyfriend (who I love and adore!) Let's get a few things straight though...First, I have offered for the three of us to get together and go out. He has already met him several times and they even workout at the same gym. In the 15 years I have known my gay friend, I have only been to his apartment twice - after shows where he has been a music director - and there has been a celebration party. The one breakfast we had was on the first day of school - we work at the same school - and another co-worker was going to join us until her child got sick. I do not call and text him all the time. However, I certainly don't find anything wrong with a "Happy Birthday," two word text, to someone on the morning of their birthday. I was at school helping to decorate for his birthday because several parents and students that are in his choral booster club wanted to do it and needed me because I have master keys! Even though we work at the same school, his classroom is on the total opposite side of the building. We don't even see each other everyday. We don't "date," and we don't even go out socially together. I think twice we ran into each other at Starbucks, but didn't even plan it.

What can I do??? I love my boyfriend, but he has a hard time believing anything I say about this friend. He has gathered probably every time my friend and I have done something together in 15 years and thinks we are together all the time. It is driving me crazy and we can't even talk about it rationally anymore. I let him check my phone, my facebook, my emails - I have nothing to hide! He keeps saying, "See it from my side," and I guess I should be flattered that he is jealous, but there is no reason to be. We have been together 9 years and I have never once cheated on him or even thought about cheating on him. I am not made that way. I have been more than forgiving of him for some indiscretions...Please help! What can I do to help him get over this?????

[HeartIsAching]

Double your pleasure, double your fun, double the trouble in a double troll?

[informationseek]

Nope. I am really his girlfriend and if he wants strangers to try and help, they need the whole story. No manipulating the story to get the advice/support you want to hear. I don't have a problem with this forum. I've learned a thing or two, but I also know that if people don't know the whole story, they can't give good advice. I really love my boyfriend - a lot. Nine years is a long time to be together. I just want us to be talking to each other, not strangers. I don't need to be right, I just want to be happy. A good relationship needs to have a lot of communication - with each other!

[Wakeup]

Nope. I am really his girlfriend and if he wants strangers to try and help, they need the whole story. No manipulating the story to get the advice/support you want to hear. I don't have a problem with this forum. I've learned a thing or two, but I also know that if people don't know the whole story, they can't give good advice. I really love my boyfriend - a lot. Nine years is a long time to be together. I just want us to be talking to each other, not strangers. I don't need to be right, I just want to be happy. A good relationship needs to have a lot of communication - with each other!

Did you start your own thread? Seems I answered that one as well wherein i suggested (along with Smackie) that maybe your boyfriend (the opening poster of this thread) is projecting his insecurity, jealousy and fear of abandonment onto you, because he himself is cheating or has cheated in the past. Obviously you are being unsuccessful in your attempts to assure him (op) of the innocense of this relationship with your gay friend so i suggest that you question him about why he is so fearful of the friendship. If you can't get on track here then perhaps some couples counceling is in order. If you're not putting your gay friend as a priority and neglecting your bf then, OP... you need to work on your trust issues.

[Wakeup]

From the other thread (same Op not started by the gf)

And no, I really am his girlfriend. Not trollling.

So is this the truth:

I told her last night that I wanted to double date with her gay friend, me and her and he and his boyfriend. She said she doesnt want to do it, she wouldnt feel comfortable.

.. and if it is, why would you not go out together as a double date.. or spend time the three of you? Why would you be uncomfortable? If it's not the truth then your boyfriend is a liar and I fear he has been punched in the head one too many times and is now a paranoid delusional.

[ineedhelpnow]

Thanks Wakeup for the info, much appreciated

[informationseek]

I did post twice, Wakeup, on two different posts. Thanks for taking the time to answer both.

[Wakeup]

But, you didn't answer my question posed in both?