All because I felt a bit choked?

[Journey]

I've been seeing a girl for about 9 months. I'm 32 and she's 29. We've been talking about marriage. Four months ago we broke up for two months. At that time, I told her I wanted my space (I felt choked). That same night she pressured me to show her my emails. We broke up because she saw emails from exes and one email from a girl that I had just met.

Over the two-month break up period I dated a couple people, but I could'nt stop thinking about her. I wanted her back and eventually I did get her back. Upon getting her back, I dropped every girl in my past, to the point of telling a couple exes who were just friends, not to email me anymore. I felt like I had to do that to calm things down (after she kept questionning me about my exes) and as a way to show her that she was the only one.

Well we've been back together but she still gets upset if I look at another girl. She told me just yesterday that she gets these "panic attacks" that I'm talking or emailing another girl. This compelled me to tell her that some alone-time would be good because I wasnt feeling sure about marriage.

She asked me to tell her whenever I email or want to date another girl, at which time it would be over. I said OK.

Today she said she is not comfortable in giving me that time. She does not like that feeling. I said that it was the most important decision in my life and that I needed some breathing space to determine if its really time. She said she didnt like being in that position so I said its best to end it.

My brother who is married tells me that after marriage her "controlling" behaviour will not get any better. Well, I feel like a part of does really want to settle down and shes great in many ways. Am I being too picky about her?? Everyone has their flaws right? Is this a serious enough issue?



Journ.

[anachronistic]

she doesn't trust you. if you guys can't build a lasting foundation of trust, a relationship is not doable.

[Journey]

So its all my fault for not building the trust from the get-go. I get it. I f'd up.

[anachronistic]

i think it's some sort of insecurity she's been dealing with since before your relationship.. perhaps caused by another relationship before yours.

she saw your emails, and being the insecure, overreacting person she was, decided to break up with you. so no, it's not your fault. it's clearly an issue on her side.

[Journey]

Also,
She had my email passwords over the time after we got back together. She checked them occasionally, but it did get better.
A big thing for her was me just looking at other girls to the point where she said to me a few times since being together again.. "that's it. Its over."
Then I went through hell and chased after her to get her back.
This last time ..when she said "its over", I did'nt chase her back. I actually told her that I was reconsidering my view on marriage and when it was right for me. And thats when I told her I wanted some time to think.

[anachronistic]

my last relationship was EXACTLY like that.

my mom's relationship with my stepdad is EXACTLY like that.

you don't want a girl that is taht freaked out about that-- you need someone taht can trust you enough to know that you wouldn't do something like that. don't get stuck with someone insecure.

[Only-virgins]

I am going to go out a bit and say that she isn't doing anything wrong here. She caught you talking to your exes and e-mailing other women...it is normal for her to be upset and a bit paranoid at times. Put yourself in her shoes for a minute, if she had all these messages and conversations with other men. I mean, I think you shouldn't end this if you love her, the fact that she takes it so hard when she thinks of you doing these things to the point where she can get panic attacks it only tells me that she cares about you.

How did she react to you ending it?

[anachronistic]

how did she find out about the emails? did she get access to your accounts without your permission?

what were the emails about? were they sexual? did you want to date other women when you were with her? if so why?

we need to know the answers to these questions to help you more.

[Journey]

Only-Virgins:
Not very good. She wants to move to the city where she has more friends and family - to get support. She cried.

But still, during our "re-union" she texed me and told me a few times that it was over. She once told me it was over because she misunderstood one of my emails, which was from a woman who is my Moms age - I met her on a website for dog owners - we have the same breed of dog and I was just comparing notes.

If she is so quick to say its over with me.. how can she really care?

[Journey]

lilwing:
She wouldnt let me leave her place that night until I showed her my emails. She just wanted to see them. At that point I was like..I have nothing to hide, but at the same time I was feeling like 'help!'
So we logged on and when she saw them she threw a huge fit and threw all of my things on the floor..screaming at me.
The emails were not sexual at all.
But there is one ex that still likes me and her emails were kind of lovey-dovey.
I told that ex (who lives permanently half way around the world in Europe) not to email me anymore.

There may have been a part of me that wanted to date other girls while I was with her. I just feel like I am attracted to quite a lot of women, even if I havent met them or anything. Even when I'm comfortable and happy with her (most of the time) I feel like breaking away sometimes.

[meh]

She has serious trust issues.

Insecurity is relationship cancer. This will only get worse.

[anachronistic]

lilwing:
She wouldnt let me leave her place that night until I showed her my emails. She just wanted to see them. At that point I was like..I have nothing to hide, but at the same time I was feeling like 'help!'
So we logged on and when she saw them she threw a huge fit and threw all of my things on the floor..screaming at me.
The emails were not sexual at all.
But there is one ex that still likes me and her emails were kind of lovey-dovey.
I told that ex (who lives permanently half way around the world in Europe) not to email me anymore.

There may have been a part of me that wanted to date other girls while I was with her. I just feel like I am attracted to quite a lot of women, even if I havent met them or anything. Even when I'm comfortable and happy with her (most of the time) I feel like breaking away sometimes.

you do NOT need to be put in that position. if she is forcing you to show her your emails, that is not right.

she CLEARLY doesn't trust you. she isn't going to let you communicate with ANY women.

i think part of your wanting to break away is connected to these issues you've been having.

[misombra]

um, she sounds a little crazy journ. i can't say i've never been jealous and snoopy, but i could never force my bf to show me his email and throw things around and have a big cow if there's letters from females. it hurts, but if she's that distrusting of you then she shouldn't be with you. it's hard to believe that she's 32 years old. she sounds a lot like a teenager.

i'm gonna have to agree with those who say it won't get better. after you tell every girl in the world that you can't look at her or talk to her i'm sure she'll find something else to be insecure and jealous about.

[anachronistic]

i feel so bad for this guy! i hope he finds a better woman.

[Steve2004]

eh, i'd get a little upset if i saw emails from the exes and they were lovey dovey. but throw a tantrum and drag it out this long? psyyycho. I say move on, no way to fix crazy.