Please help ... im dying inside

[triplikeido]

So ill keep this short. I love my boyfriend but im incredibly hurt. during an argument over a blow job, it escalated and got heated and started to become about everything else. You know how it goes. Hurtful shit gets said. But in our most recent fight, some nasty shit got said, and this time it wasnt me. My boyfriend, the love of my life, the man i gave up my world for, changed all my plans for, have been faithful to from the very beginning... he said... literally these are his exact words: "well maybe having sex with you is like throwing a toothpick down a hallway, and maybe its not that enjoyable for me sometimes"

this was a few days ago
He has apollogized since, and i forgave him because i love him so much. or at least i told him i forgave him. but whenever i think about it (which is like... all the time) i feel a huge pang in my heart and a sudden urge to cry hopelessely. i just dont know what to do. I dont want to leave him... he just moved across the country to live with me... but i feel trapped almost. i dont think i can bring myself to have sex or be intimate with him, and i dont know how soon thats going to change. my heart and my head hurt... my confidence diminishes when im around him. what do i do??????

[Needhelp???]

Sorry but I wouldnt take it to personal. People say stupid stuff when their mad. I'm sure he didn't mean it. I've said my fair share of stupid stuff to my fiance.

[smackie9]

Deal breaker....this more than some "misunderstanding" about a blow job.

[smackie9]

... my confidence diminishes when im around him. what do i do??????

That's exactly where an abuser wants you to be....no confidence so you can't fight back.....then he will have complete control over you so he can keep abusing you.

[triplikeido]

where could i find something to read on that? id like to explore more....
i know we love each other and he just moved across the country to be with me.... i know he would leave if he knew i really wanted him to but i would feel so awful! i love having him around and we have so much fun when were together.... when is good its great! but when its bad... it can get really bad. never physical (actually i punched him one time when i was drunk) but hes such a sweet hurt boy and i feel so much for him in my heart i dont know if i want or have the strength to leave him, i feel like it would destroy us and all weve worked soo hard to build. he apologized a lot for saying it the next day and we talked about it a little and i told him it was ok but i really didnt know what to say about it. and the thing is if i tell him something about himself that bothers me he gets way defensive and denies that he has that issue. he doesnt believe me with anything and i feel like i constantly am disappointing him just by being me... i know by saying all this i am expressing that i want to not be with him but i loveee him hes such a wonderful and kindhearted person that he melts my heart sometimes. but i havent felt that way since that last argument, now that i think about it. tonight was all tension and bickering... i get to the point where i just give in because im sick of the arguing and feeling bad. i want our relationship to work i want to remedy these problems so bad! we both have a lot to work on... but that one comment that he made about my vagina..... i would never ever ever call his penis little ( its not huge but i dont think its little!) but even i i did i would never ever use that against him in a fight. i would never try to hurt someone on that level. so i have such mixed emotions about what i should do. we have so much potential and have helped each other tremendously, and life is really hard on us due to a lot of different conditions. im just scared sad and hurt... i feel like a little kid.

[smackie9]

You keep saying he is such a kind and sweet person...are you kidding me? he puts you down, doesn't trust you, always brings up your past, makes you feel bad....what is there not to love?

I have been in an abusive relationship so I know what it's all about. You shouldn't have to work so hard at making things better. You shouldn't be feeling so awful and helpless. You know what that awful feeling is from? It's reality setting in that this relationship is not working out. fear of things changing, being without him, standing on your own two feet......, Love is unconditional, it's acceptance, it's about caring, being supportive, sharing, and most of all RESPECT. You have none of this.

I suspect this started out as a long distance relationship over the net, and you just found out what he really is like to be with in person....an insecure asshole that is NOT the prince charming you thought he was. Internet relationships are 20% reality and 80% your fantasy, spun from your imagination. You fell in love with the image of what you wanted him to be and not the real person. It's a tough thing to break, but sorry to say it's time to get out. He will always treat you this way, it will not get better. He is who he is.

Now all you have to do is google "abuse in relationships" or "abusive relationships" and start reading.

[smackie9]

Trust me, bad conditions or falling on hard times is no excuse for being treated like a piece of crap....it has nothing to do with is behavior....you need to stop making excuses for him. This ia a symptom of being abused...you are protecting the abuser, making excuses for him, saying he is just so wonderful....he is not!

[triplikeido]

it did start out as a long distance relationship... but we met in person at a music festival. he came and visited me not long after and weve been making it work ever since, travelling back and forth to see each other. we would spend breaks together and holidays and i moved in with him in indiana over the summer. the summer went a little rocky but then we moved to my town and things have been a rollercoaster, really. im an emotional rollercoaster, he says. my heads ****ed up he says. ive been through a lot of emotional trauma throughout my life and even as of recently and im filling lost in the river with it all. i just feel that we are both kind of abusers in the relationship. I was reading this articlel and i realized that a lot of it kind of applies to both of us. i mean i dont see myself as a helpless victim because when my claws cme out im pretty sure they do damage. but usually its in self defense. i feel always in a defensive position. and there are a lot of parts of our relationship that are amazing! but on the other hand i feel like i have lost so many friends and cant ever hang out with anyone because i spend allll my time with him. i mean i work 20 hours a week and i am a full time college student so my time is limited and often ends up in late nights so i can have some alone time. thanks for listening yall i really just dont have anyone to talk to about this. i mean i basically have lost all my friends just through not hanging out with people as much as id like to because my boyfriend has social anxiety and doesnt like to go to the social things that i do. i feel i have sacrificed so much in this relationship, so much he has no idea how much. how much i used to hang out with my friends and go out on the weekends and have people over just to hang out and craft.... i dont do any of that much and when i do there is always a fight about it. i realize how ridiculous this is, but my heart hurts thinkiing about leaving him

[smackie9]

Yes but staying with him is robbing you as a person, your life, your social structure, and your happiness....all the things that makes a healthy individual. Your world should not revolve around him. Having a man in your life doesn't give you a life, it should just enhance your life by being A PART of your life. Don't worry about the pain.....that will go away. The regret you will have if you keep this up will last forever.

[smackie9]

The miracle you need is to find the strength to leave him for good. Go talk to some very close friends....let them know the pain you are in......ask them for their help and support to make it happen, and to be there if you have a moment of weakness if you think about going back with him.


Oh and since you are in college, make an appointment with the school's student counselor.