Should I get engaged???

[Err]

So I've been dating this girl on and off for many years now, early on pretty rocky, but in the past few years it's developed into a very mature relationship. Through this time we've been very supportive of each other and overall it's been pretty good even for a long distance relationship.

Well, the past 8 months or so she's been REALLY pressing me to ask her to marry her. Well, at first I kind of shrugged it off, told her of course I wanted to, which I did, but tried not to get into any major discussion about it. So a few months ago she visits me right after we had a bad fight where she almost didn't come and somehow she interpreted our makeup as a sign that I was going to propose to her. Well, obviously I didn't and it really tore her up and I felt terrible.

So we talked about it and to sum up, she expects me to propose to her by Christmas or basically the relationship is over. She's pushing me to look at rings and figure out how I should propose, even offering suggestions. I kind of understand how girls work in that respect, she probably has it all planned out perfectly in her mind (just waiting to be upset when something goes wrong), but where is the romance, surprise or excitement in that. I wanted it to be something special I decided, to surprise her with, but she just wants me to follow her perfect script. Well, I used to be really convinced I wanted to marry this girl but now I'm having very some serious second thoughts!

After doing a lot of deep soul searching, I finally decided to do one of those lists (you know, what I like/don't like comparisions). Unfortunetly, she lost... but I still feel what I like about her bears so much more weight than what I don't, but I truly worry that we are just not compatible (no same interests, hobbies, foods, etc... it's like we're just friends or support buddies. bitching partners). Since I was a little kid, I've told myself if I get married, it will only be once (this had a lot to do with seeing how much pain my mom went through with her divorce and raising me as a single mom), so I want to make sure this is the perfect woman for me, and in some ways I feel that even though we may have a lot of differences, missing out on being with her would be the worst mistake in my life. I'm so afraid of that! :'-(

So what I'm asking, is this a normal thing to be worried about. Am I just really afraid of commitment or something (this is my first really serious commited relationship...). Am I justified in being concerned or am I being unfair to her? I know this is hurting her and it tears me apart inside trying to imagine what she's going through, but if I don't tell her now if I don't want to marry her, I certainly couldn't wait to after christmas, she would be destroyed! I just don't know what to do and all I can think about is not hurting her, yet she thinks I'm being selfish...

I don't expect anyone here to make up my mind for me but thought maybe writing this all done would help me figure it out a little better... thanks for any advice anyone can offer though!

[squirrley]

She's ready to get married and youre not. I dont think that it's fair she's giving you ultimatums. She's putting you in a situation that is difficult for you, because she put it on the line, marry me or its over. Thats not right. But she's also telling you she's ready to spend the rest of her life with you. If you have decided she is the one you want to marry, you should sit down and discuss this with her. Let her know you want to be with her, but youre not ready for that step. Let her know that she's special and you have your own dreams of what the proposal means to you, etc. You should try to compromise the situation. The holidays do something to some women, its like the true meaning of Christmas is lost, and some of them think that should be the time when they get proposed to, maybe cause in some of our minds it's a special time and we dont want to forget that, I dont know. But I think its great you want to do it when you feel its right, and do the whole suprise thing, thats romantic as hell.

Obviously youre not concerned about being with other women, or spreading your wild oats before committing to her. It sounds like you already are, but because she is pushing the issue you feel youre not in control of it. You'd like some say in whats going to happen in such a huge step. So you have to tell her. You have to tell her your thoughts and reassure her, that given time things will happen when youre ready. Try not to bear on anything negative, always talk about the positive, tell her what it is that makes you know she's the one you want to be with. Be prepared for her being hurt and or disappointed, but if she's truly in love with you, she will wait, she will have patience, and be understanding. If she does leave the relationship, maybe she has other priorities, and or all she cares about is getting the ring. But you have to be fair to her at the same time. Start thinking about yourself what is YOU want for your life. Youve already wayed the pro's and con's, you've decided she is what you want. Just let her know youre not quite ready.

Just remember getting engaged doesnt mean you have to get married the next week or next month. But you've made the committment to spend the rest of your life with her. Maybe you are afraid of making that step period. Maybe thats something you should share with her, sounds like you can tell eachother anything. Like I said talk to her, and keep things open, and keep it positive. Try to find anything and everything to reassure her she's the one. Maybe she will come around and give you the time you need.

Relationships are difficult. They shouldnt be, but they take work. I think you will know when the time is right for you, and its hard when youre with someone whose ready, and youre not. Hang in there. Things will work out the way theyre meant to be.