How to get her back?

[VeeVee]

Hi,
I just stumbled across this site and thought I would try to get some advice. My situation is probably a common one. I recently went through a break-up after over 2 years of the relationship. a large part of that time was very ambiguous and off/on, especially the last 6 months of it. There was a time of about a year where I felt we had a pretty healthy relationship. Issues that led to the break-up involved what each of us wanted out of life. She was wanting marriage, family, to settle down. I was ok with that but didn't want to feel forced. I also was more into having my own space and time to myself while still seeing her. I also wanted her to be more ambitious. She didn't have job and really didn't have much in the way of goals. I wanted to see that in her before settling down. Fast forward through the off/on and then the break-up. I felt ok with not seeing her at first, we would talk from time to time on the phone about a month after our split. I could tell she would've been ok with reconciling but I wasn't interested in that. She's a musician and I was supposed to come see her play, we had planned on this. Then she uninvited me, saying she didn't think it a good idea. I called her and we talked about it for a while. It turned out she had a date. It was at this point I realized that she was really moving on and I was losing her, but I tried to keep my cool. After about a week of not talking to her I broke down and called her crying, begging her to come back. I know now that this was a big mistake. She told me that she had a change of perspective and that she doesn't feel the same way anymore. I asked her to tell me she didn't love me anymore, that she didn't care, that this would help me move on, she couldn't say that. Only that we aren't meant to be together. Then later that night she texted me saying she wanted me to be ok. I emailed her two times after this, both basically saying I was ready to make things right, that I had changed. The response was that she felt it was over and that we should stop communicating for a while. She then removed me from facebook. I also noticed that she removed this guy that she had gone on a date with. About two weeks after that I left a painting, some flowers, and a CD with a song on it at her doorstep, no words though, and no indication that it was me although I'm sure she knows it was me.

It's been about 3 weeks since that last exchange and I've been trying to sort through everything in my head. I can't get her off my mind and I'm realizing how much I really love this girl. I've seen here a couple of times while hanging out with my friends, we have several mutual friends. The first time was awkward but I said hello to her and she smiled and said hi back. The second time I saw her I made a bit more of an effort to talk so I asked how she was and she responded and asked me the same. We even kind of joked a little but the conversation was very light. I'll probably see her again tomorrow night and I want to reach out to her but I don't know how. I know she wants to be friends at some point, and so do I, but I also want to try and get her back. I know the only way to do this is to be her friend again first, and make her want me again. I know during this time apart we've both been working on our own personal issues and I feel that I've made progress. Maybe I'm not completely ready to hang out with her again and maybe she feels the same. I just don't know when to make a move or if I should just wait for her to make a move, or if she even has any thoughts of me in this way at all. Any advice here would be greatly appreciated.

-J

[carl1222]

Why do you want her back? She wasn't good enough for you before, what has changed?

Trying to keep her on the string just because it makes you feel bad that she might actually want to have a happier relationship with someone else is a very selfish reason to try to hang on ... and not a very loving one. Let her go.

Carl.

[VeeVee]

i want her back because i've had some realizations about what is important in life. i've had time to think about the situation, and how our differences were really trivial, and certainly fixable. i'm trying to not be in this mindset where i'm idealizing her, i'm searching for my true feelings and i'm coming up with some surprising details. i wasn't thinking about this before because i took her for granted, and though there were reasons that the relationship never really took off, i have found some new perspective. btw, i'm 36 and have been in several long-term relationships. i've been through heartbreak before. i was once married, so i've been in this kind of situation before.

i am trying to move on, but my twist on it is that i'm trying to move on in order to get her back(if that makes any sense). i know that in order to really get her back, i need to make like i'm ok. in order to do that, i really need to be ok. i didn't like the notion of getting over her and moving on in the sense that it is over over. i still have hope and this is my strategy for moving on.

i think you are right though. on a certain level i'm being selfish, but i really do want to give her a happy life. it's hard to let someone go completely when you run into them from time to time.

[I Found Him]

Nah, I'm with carl here. sounds to me like a case of don't know what you've got till it's gone and if I were her it would be too little too late. So obvious too that you only wanted her back when it looked like she was moving on. That is the epitome of selfishness. Even if she were to take you back, she would forever be wondering when would the next time be that you dumped her? That's no basis for a relationship.

Leave her alone and get on with your own life, with someone who fits better into your mould.

[firefox43]

We all make mistakes. If you feel that you made a mistake and now want to have her back, then that is good. There are some reasons though that you ended it the first time. You really need to take a look at those reasons and make sure that you have changed you mind about them. Because if you haven't and you just want her back because you are lonely, or just miss her, then the same issues will creep in down the road and you will be at the same place you are now.

If she is responsive to you , then by all means talk to her, but you need to show her that you are doing fine on your own. Don't try to "get back" at her. Instead, be kind and sweet to her yet confident. But also show her that the door is open. I think that could turn it around. Crying and begging for her to come back will only worsen the situation.

[lilac]

VeeVee you are a typical guy who never ever realized what you have until she's gone. Do you want her back because deep down there you realize that she can move on without you and it kill you to see her with someone else? or because you come to your own understanding that you truely love her?

If you want her because you truely love her than show her and ask her what she truely wants and respect her out comes even though it might mean you will not see her agian. Be friends with her and help her when she needs you. Give her time, if she is truely is the right person, things will work out for itself. And please don't pressure her for any answer, give her time and let her know that you'll always be there for her .Be nice and don't look so desperate about it.

If you want her because she can move on without you and the idea of seeing her with someone else kills you, really you are not truely inlove with her. Let her move on and let yourself move on. If she wasn't right for you and you didn't want to commit to her then, there is no reason to why she is right for you and that you ready to commit to her now.

I'm not saying that you can't change yourself because that would be a lie, everyone change from time to time but you should ask yourself if she is really what you wanted for the rest of your life or if she something that you want because your emotional feeling tell you so...

From my own experienced. My ex boyfriend was excately like you. Crying, buying me things, trying and trying but it was too late. I moved on, and i'm much much much happier with my current boyfriend whom I love dearly. Sometimes, realizing that what you did was wrong isn't good enough....

[spicker]

i think you should focus more on "How can i move on" rather than "how to get her back"

[VeeVee]

lilac, you make very good points and you're not the first to bring this up. i've really had a chance to evaluate my behaviors and feelings. i've not been completely rational since my ex and i went NC. i feel that this whole experience has given me a wake up call. i have come to the conclusion that my feelings are a mixture of want and love if that is possible. i understand the problems that we had with the relationship, but those problems are very fixable. i didn't put forth the effort before because i was expecting her to make changes in her life before i was ready to commit. i see her making these changes now and my feelings for her are so strong now that i'm willing to accept her for who she is, i love who she is.

i've seen her several times now since we went NC. the situations have been in social settings with mutual friends of ours. each time she has acted aloof which has been kind of painful for me. i have been the one who has approached her to say hello and initiate light conversation which has gone well, but it has been very one-way. i've kept my cool though and have made out like i'm ok with everything. i'm still waiting for her to reach out to me. i don't know if that will happen, so now i'm contemplating reaching out to her to say that i would like to be her friend when she is ready. we've had a month straight of NC, does anyone think this is a bad move?

spicker- i agree with you, but moving on is the biggest challenge in my life right now. i was going out of my mind until i changed my perspective and started thinking about moving on as a way to get her back. i guess it is kind of backfiring on me because i'm still thinking about getting her back. i really can't help this feeling right now though, there's just way too much emotion involved.

i'm going to see her again this weekend at a friend's party. i'm not sure if i should try to make small talk again or just ignore her. anyone have advice?

[spicker]

thats normal dude, feeling like u want her back is normal!
but doing NOTHING about it what u need to do.
you just need to implant in to your head that you wont be getting back with her. I know it hurts, its painful. But the sooner u accept it the faster u can heal!

its weird and messed up i know...but in time your perspective will change even more.

just keep repeating in your head "i am not getting back with her" "i dont care whats going on her life"

those emotions will pass in time.

keep yourself busy be around your friends

[RyanDaniels]

VeeVee,

I have a little bit of a different perspective. If you love her, and if you want her back, then by all means, let's do what we can to make that happen.

You've got a classic case of reacting after a break up. Thankfully, you haven't gone as far as some guys do, where they drunk dial her and basically hammer her with emails and text messages. It sounds like you're on decent terms with her, which puts you miles ahead of most guys.

So what I'm saying is... getting back together is totally possible.

Lay off the text messages and the gifts and stuff, but I'd suggest one more means of communication. You're EXACTLY right with the notion that you can "move on to get her back." That's why I suggest a hand-written letter expressing that you are at peace with the breakup.

This is totally counter-intuitive, but what we accomplish here is tapping into a bit of social psychology (please, only use these tactics for good!), and it erases any tension or negativity caused by unwanted phone calls, emails, and text messages.

That is your opening move. Once you do that, then she is more likely to respond to other counter-intuitive methods.

I know that's a different response from what most people are providing, but if you want her back, then let's make it happen.

You may benefit from reading my blog; the link is in my signature.

You can do this, buddy, but fight your gut reactions to run back to her, and instead reverse the situation so that she runs back to YOU.

[VeeVee]

thanks ryan, i've been thinking about a hand-written letter. i will be seeing her again this weekend so maybe i will give it to her in person. i won't go off the deep end or anything but instead let her know that while i care for her, i've let her go. i'm thinking i should also apologize for any hurt that she has gone through because of me. writing this letter will be a very delicate process, i just hope she reads it and it doesn't go directly into the trash can.

btw- i came across your blog before i even posted this thread. thanks for the advice. even if i can't get her back, i will at least know that i tried and that i took the right approach as soon as i understood the situation.

[chickprincess]

Everybody makes mistakes. Nobody's perfect especially in relationships. It's a good thing that you realized your mistakes. What you can do now is DO EVERYTHING YOU CAN just to make her feel that you regret the things that made her feel bad/hurt her. If she's not responsive of all the effort you did, then it's her problem. You did your part. Every couple has to compromise on things to make a relationship work

[RyanDaniels]

Everybody makes mistakes. Nobody's perfect especially in relationships. It's a good thing that you realized your mistakes. What you can do now is DO EVERYTHING YOU CAN just to make her feel that you regret the things that made her feel bad/hurt her.

That's a ripe recipe to make her run from you and realize that she's doing the right thing by not getting back with you.

I'm glad that you found my blog - there's a video and a book that I link to on my blog that I highly recommend. Also, I'd encourage you NOT to deliver the letter in person. Mail it. We gotta use some psychology.

[lucyinthesky]

Start by sending a handwritten letter agreeing with the breakup. This shows that you are strong and puts the ball back in your court.

[hanktank74]

I know this may sound strange, and I wanted other's opinions as far as if I did the right thing. My wife and I split - she left me for another man. I tried casting spells on her to bring her back but nothing worked. Then I read about a witch in the paper that helped someone win the lottery. I went to her and she did a return lover spell for me. My wife came back within a few weeks and we have been going strong for a while now...I guess I just feel guilty because she doesn't know about the love spell at all. Was I wrong?