Help Me out.. Will i get her back

[desperate_hubby]

Hi,

I and she have been together married for the past 5 years and have a kid of 4 years. We had gone through a lot of family problems and since I had taken her for granted all these years, she is no longer interested to continue this marriage and wants a divorce.

In the meanwhile, she has developed a liking for a mutual friend who has been listening to her all these days and he also has started reciprocating. He has been abroad for the past 4 years and they have only been on contact over phone and on chat. I came to know that they do share more than just talking to each other and have gone to the level of sharing privy sexual moments over chat. After I came to know about all this by browsing into her chat message and sms messages, I was feeling a lot down. I even tried suicide.

I and she had a talk with each other last night over the happenings, she feels that she should start living independently and does not want to be bound in a marriage. She says that we could continue living together as we have been doing all these days, but could start a new relationship that is not bound by the word “marriage “. For the sake of the Kid, I suggested that we start going to relationship counselors to start afresh so that I do not repeat my previous mistakes and look at life in a different way. By this way, I cannot take her for granted as she is not bonded with me by marriage but stays with me as an individual. After a lot of thought, I find this solution to be a good one. But I feel a sense of insecurity in me that what happens if she is saying this for the sake of getting a divorce and later leave me for my friend.

I have spoken to the friend too, he is more inclined towards her and he does not want to commit anything right now regarding this question.

My question is that how do I ask her for this question in a way that it does not hurt and rub her the wrong way. I have written what all information I could give concisely. If you need more questions, please ask for them.

[Ellynn]

I wish I could tell you there were guarantees that your relationship with her will work out, but the truth is there ISN'T!

She wants out of the marriage, which makes it easier for her to leave whenever she wants. She might still be with you, but I think its purely for your childs sake. Its good she is thinking of the kid, but in the long run, I don't think its exactly healthy for a child to be around all that. There is extra added tension in the household, and to children, that feeling is magnified. Believe it or not, they know whats going on.

Plus, her male friend. I think theres something developing there--- That is, if something hasn't already happened.

This is a bad situation and I think the best thing you can do is just try (for peace of mind) without any big expectations. If nothing changes, then let her go.

You should ask her exactly what her intentions are though. You have that right as her husband/roommate.

I mean if I was married to a guy for 5 yrs and suddenly he wanted a divorce with us still living together and an "open" relationship, I definately would want some answers. I think I would deserve that. At that point, I would not care about "hurting" him seeing as he didn't think too much about hurting me. (But personally, I would already figure the relationship was doomed and get out.) But thats just me.

[Prodigal]

I agree with Ellynn. It's great that you're thinking of your child, and a lot of people in your situation wouldn't. But what is better for a child: two separate parents who have gotten over their differences and lead happy lives [and hopefully at least sorta get along still] or the parents in the same house with major problems and are unhappy with each other? I think you know the answer.

I think you should also think about yourself. I don't think you deserve this at all. It's very respectful that you are thinking about marriage counseling. But if her feelings or intentions are otherwise, then there's nothing you can do. Marriage and relationships are a two-way street, and if one doesn't want to comply then the other can't do anything to change that.

[hitch]

Here's a hint for your next marriage: Women need food, water, and compliments...and the occasional pair of shoes.

[desperate_hubby]

The following are developments on this side of things... I just wanted to let you all know about what she feels and would help people in similar situation to know about the happenings.

As i previously said that we were going for a counseling session, we went there and she made it clear to the counselor that according to her, all the act that i was doing these days like getting her gifts, flowers, talking to her expressing my feelings, all seem to be an act of selfishness that I am coming to her only when I do need her and where was I when she crying and broken in the past. The only person to listen to her was the friend of mine who has taken interest in her. He understands her better and is the only person in the entire world who does that. For me, I need to understand her needs now, give her space, not intrude much into what she is doing. Be like a Man, stop begging her for consideration, stop talking about the life without her and so on.

The counselor says that I need to give her space, need to trust her, understand her feelings, give her the care, validate her, and always give her the feeling that I am always there for her. I have done some mistakes in the past and there is a huge duct in the relationship, this would take some time to heal and have to exercise a lot of patience. The feeling towards the friend could be as a result of the void created by me when I did not listen to her, care for her and took her for granted. It is a matter of time that she will start reciprocating but I need to use this time to understand her and be ready with open harms to welcome her when she reconsiders the relationship with me. Talking to her now about all these, telling sorry for the past, persuading her to talk about what she feels for me and about the friend would only apply emotional pressure on her and would rub her the wrong way. There was mutual love between us and we have a big responsibility in front of us to take care of the kid. Concentrating on getting her back and not caring for the kid would only depress me more and make the kid hate me who is the only one in the relationship who loves me. So what I feel is that I need to be manly thinking about me, do constructive things like to give her space, to give here the invisible impression that I care for her, to unconditionally love her, to take care for the kid, to take care of him. Wait patiently, Hoping for the best and preparing myself for the worst.

You could all please reply with suggestions to what else I need to consider and how do I invisibly show that I care for her. Hoping for some replies...

[Gigabitch]

Dude, care about yourself. All you can do is make yourself a solid option for her. You can't make her choose you.

Confidence is pretty seriously attractive. Come up with something you're reasonably confident about in the first place and spend some time and energy on that instead of following her around like a lost puppy. Women don't like that, believe me.

You're off balance because you're leaning on her and she's not there for you. Straighten up.

[King Zarathu]

No .

[vashti]

Dude, care about yourself. All you can do is make yourself a solid option for her. You can't make her choose you.

Confidence is pretty seriously attractive. Come up with something you're reasonably confident about in the first place and spend some time and energy on that instead of following her around like a lost puppy. Women don't like that, believe me.

You're off balance because you're leaning on her and she's not there for you. Straighten up.

I agree 100%.

[King Zarathu]

I agree 100%.

You would've have said that if I had said "No." Well, sucks for you, female, because I TRICKED YOU!

It turns out that I do, in fact, agree with Giga. More than you. You can go back to miserably disagreeing with everything I say now.

[vashti]

Zarathu needs Midol.

[Gigabitch]

Damn! He's so tricky! I walk in fear of becoming entangled in his man-web.

[King Zarathu]

Damn! He's so tricky! I walk in fear of becoming entangled in his man-web.

You're already in my man-web.

Zarathu needs Midol.

You need alcohol...and spermicide. Nobody will know.

[Gigabitch]

Zarathu needs Midol.

Here ya go, Z.

[King Zarathu]

**** you two. This is what you both need:

[Gigabitch]

ANYWAY, desperate hubby guy, yes, it sucks that she's into this mutual friend of yours, but the truth is, you've got a kid together and I'll bet she won't forget that if you give her some space and time to remember it.

Right now, though, you've got to back off a bit. You're working her nerve. Just do good things for your kid, as you should. Show her you're a good man.

The fact that your counselor told you that you need to trust her right now after she's been considering involving herself with this other guy gives me a good laugh. Your counselor should be fired.