Was it REALLY necessary to apologize?

[t0ri]

Long story short: My ex of over 2 years broke up with me in late February, came back 3 weeks later and promised me "slow reconciliation." A month later, he ends things again. Each time he ended things he did it in a cowardly way, and was extremely cruel and heartless about it. The second time he ended it was over 3 months ago, and we only have had contact once in these 3 months - soon after he ended it, in which he told me he wanted me out of his life forever.

5 days ago, I get a text from him. It was at 12 in the afternoon, so he wasn't drunk or anything. He said hi, asked how I am, and then said he just wanted to apologize for hurting me since he always promised me he would NEVER do that, but he did, and he felt bad; so he thought I should know. I responded telling him I didn't blame him for ending things now that I can see them in hindsight, but that he treated me horribly and I was over it now. He apologized again, and I didn't respond.

Then he started small talk. Asking how my summer's going, how it is being a new aunt, how my dogs, told me some things about his current life - like how he's stopped smoking pot and cigarettes (both of which I had wanted him to quit while we dated). The last thing he said was that the gum has helped him quit, and I didn't respond. Haven't heard from him again. Nothing personal was said, like about us, or missing each other, or meeting up, etc.

Oh, and I should add that around the time that he and I ended things the 2nd time, he met someone from his work. I don't know if this was before or after he ended it again with me, but he did hang out and hook up with her for a short while. This is info that his, now ex, friend I ran into blatantly divulged to me when I ran into him 2 nights ago. They're over now, but I wonder if that plays into why he text me.

So, friends of mine and family are telling me he's likely to text me again, especially since my birthday is in a few weeks. But I'm assuming he just wanted to say sorry, relieve his guilt, and that's it. I'm trying not to read anymore into him contacting me than, "it is what it is" - an apology, the end.
I do miss him and some days want him back, so I'm trying to not let these false hopes cloud my head. But people are telling me he's probably trying to work his way back in since he has nobody else right now. I had been doing so well in coping with my broken heart, until he popped back up RIGHT when I was finally becoming happy, and now he's consuming my thoughts again! His myspace status read, "loving being single and able to do whatev, whenev, what's up fun!" the night before he text me...nobody cares about his damn status but me so it's cool he likes to shove that in my face.

What do you think?

And for what it's worth, he's 22, I'm almost 22, and we were each other's first loves, first long-term relationship, and I was his first sexual experience, etc. He really broke my heart, was SOOO mean, and left me destroyed for months, so it's nice to see he has some sort of conscience for treating me so horribly, but hearing from him just once, even if it is just an apology, has my mind all wrapped around him when I had just finished unraveling it.

[Cbrider]

I guarantee you the timing of his break up and the texts you received were in no way a coincidence. He's trying to fall back onto something he is familiar with, trying to walk back into your life when you clearly don't need it.

You have every right to explain to him that what he did to you was painful and something you don't wish to endure again and that he stop texting you.

It is possible that he is trying to reconcile with you, or at least with himself, but he's already had a second chance. I'm a one and done kind of person, but I can understand people trying to give it a second go around under the right circumstances.

Leave him be, he's where he is at by his own doing and you don't need to be dragged into it, he will hurt you again.

I'm your age and I have been through this kind of thing before. Stand up for yourself.

P.S. The apology was just an attempt to reopen the lines of communication, nothing more. Don't read into it anymore than that.

[IndiReloaded]

Sounds like a selfish apology. Know what I mean? Some people 'apologize' to salve their own guilt, not for any consideration of the person they are saying sorry to. This sounds like it might be his motive, all for him, not for you babe. Beware.

[Mish]

But people are telling me he's probably trying to work his way back in since he has nobody else right now.

I think that's very likely. He probably got dumped and needs to rebuild his self esteem with you before he can go out into the world again.

[Cbrider]

It very well could have been someone on here that told me this, probably Indi or Vashti.

"An apology can't be forced upon you, it has to be accepted."

Shut this dipshit out of your life and move on to find the guy that wants to be everything for you.

[t0ri]

I don't know how I was cordial with him after the shit he put me through. I regret replying now. I thought maybe he missed me just a tiny bit, but I guess not.

I guess I'm just curious if he'll text me again. Is that likely, in all honesty????? I shouldn't respond ever again, right? Unless he were to come out and say, "I want you back" or something. I'd be stupid to take him back, although...

I still want him. Shouldn't I be over it by now?! Ugh. You guys are right...that conversation was about HIM, for whatever reason it was, it was about him. Not me.

What a dick

[Raze]

He's using you to bring up his self-esteem.

[lucasshapiro]

He sounds like a real asshole.

[Raze]

Yeah, try and find someone who is not a complete asshole, okay? And don't contact him anymore.

[t0ri]

Yeah, try and find someone who is not a complete asshole, okay? And don't contact him anymore.

I absolutely will not contact him, and he hasn't contacted me again.

He started out as a dorky "nice" guy in our relationship, that's why I liked him... but he got an ego boost somewhere along the way, and started treating me like complete crap. I stood my ground, don't get me wrong, but I never expected him to end things... especially the way he went about it and treated me afterward. Whatev.

That's the crappy part of dating. It took over a year and a half for his "asshole" side to truly show it's colors, and by that time, I was invested and deeply in love. You spend all this time on someone for them to turn out to be something you thought they weren't! Eh, what can ya do.

[Cbrider]

You're very smart to not contact him and to simple ignore him.

Its hard to let go of memories when someone keeps barging into your life. I've been there, it hurts, its something you don't forget and learn from. It will fade day by day, a little bit at a time. Be prepared for that out of the blue text and random run ins, they will happen. My stomach use to twist and I would get all bent out of shape when I would get that random text or bump into her. Give it enough time, you wont care anymore. She still comes up now and then when talking with old friends and people we worked with. She's just another person in the world anymore, nothing more, you will feel the same way about this guy if you give it enough time.

I use to think that it was unfair that something like your situation could happen to me, I was a nice guy and just wanted to make people smile. Once I got a hold of myself and picked my sorry ass up off the floor I was grateful. These lessons hurt, but I would rather take the punches up front than down the road when I am married to someone.

21 is a big number for guys, it opens up the bars and brings around a lot of new, cute faces. When I turned 21 I didn't care much, but once I started hitting up downtown, that changed. I turned into a bit of an arrogant asshole. Girls found me attractive and alcohol was something fun to socialize with. I let go of a lot of my values and beliefs and just went into that party stage, and I hit it hard.

It was fun, I got a lot out of my system, met a lot of girls, had a lot of fun, etc, etc. My roommate finally brought me back down to earth one day, told me to look at what I was doing and how I was changing. I brought myself back down to everyone elses level and stopped embracing people putting me up on a soapbox.

I think its just a phase that most guys go through, its part of growing up and as you know, some guys never let go of it, lol. I'm not defending your ex or trying to tell you that this is how it works. Its just something a lot of guys I know have gone through me included. I think the early 20s are probably the hardest and worst ages for guys to try and establish/continue a relationship.

[t0ri]

Wow, I cannot wait for the day when he's "just another person!" That'll be the day!

Cbrider, what you said makes a lot of sense. When I started dating him, he was much less attractive than he his now. I helped him better himself physically, emotionally, confidence-wise, etc. People constantly told him they didn't understand how he pulled a girl like me. Plus I was the first serious relationship he had and first person he had any sexual relationship with. So...it makes sense that he'd wanna get out there and see what else he can get without being "tied down." Well I've got news for him...

Weird that you say you let go of your values and partied hard. That is EXACTLY what my ex did as soon as we broke up. He told me he never wanted his house to be a party-one, and what does he do when we break up? He gets a beer pong table, has a bunch of parties, etc which resulted in his roommate and him moving into separate places because the roommate couldn't handle my ex's constant partying. Although we didn't speak during this time, I know he was getting effed up waaaay more than he usually did. So he's been at this for like 5 months and then...

...get this: when he text me the other week, like I said in my earlier post, he found it necessary to tell me he had stopped smoking pot, cigarettes, and started going to church, and doesn't party as much. ALL things I had hoped he'd do while we were together. Interesting. I party, and I didn't want him to be a saint or control him, but it's ironic he does those things AFTER we break up.

Anyway, thanks for the replies Cbrider! That sucks that most guys my age have the same mentality as my ex, and older ones too. And it really is sooo difficult to let go of the memories...and of him period. One day at a time, I guess.

[Raze]

I absolutely will not contact him, and he hasn't contacted me again.

He started out as a dorky "nice" guy in our relationship, that's why I liked him... but he got an ego boost somewhere along the way, and started treating me like complete crap. I stood my ground, don't get me wrong, but I never expected him to end things... especially the way he went about it and treated me afterward. Whatev.

That's the crappy part of dating. It took over a year and a half for his "asshole" side to truly show it's colors, and by that time, I was invested and deeply in love. You spend all this time on someone for them to turn out to be something you thought they weren't! Eh, what can ya do.

I know how that is. It's better that you found out sooner than later. I've had experiences like that too, and it's always best that you find out sooner than later. It's amazing when you think you know a person, they change right in front of you.