Broke up but wants to "date". Should I?

[kirbkirb]

I'm conflicted. He broke up with me on 9/5, he did id because we had issle to get issues very early on in the relationship that I was never able to get over. I remained very insecure and resentful and started lashing out at him EVERYDAY I critizied everythig he did, I told him how much of a horrible person he was ect ect for months. I suppose in a way I was trying to make him as insecure as he had made me feel way back then.

So he broke up with me saying that he loved me but he had come to loath and resent me for the way I make him feel. He's been so depressed because of me and he's been hurt so much for so long by the way I've been acting toward him.

Thats when everything changed for me. This whole time I had been so insecure and so angry and just thinking that he didn't really love me and that he wasn't hurt by the things I was doing, but he was hurt. He was broken down because of me, he really does love me and I hurt him.

He said that he wanted to remain friends because that we needed to start from ground zero if we ever had hopes of having anything and getting to a place where we could have a healthy relationship. We needed to break up but stay friends so that we could maybe one day have a healthy relationship?? I didn't understand this, I felt we were either going to work on the realtionship or we weren't I didn't understand this logic at all, I was confused. How can we be friends? So I left that morning and left it at that after telling him this isn't what I wanted.

Well he called me the next day and wanted to hang out so I went and we hung out for a few hours, didn't talk about us or anything just hung out. He also called me everyday that week just to chit chat. I was more confused than ever, why does he want to break up with me but call me everyday?

Saturday night was his birthday and he was celebrating with some mutual friends at a bar so I went along too. I got drunk, he got drunk we ended up leaving with our friends and going home. I left the bar way before he did and he called me the next morning to see if I knew what happened later in the night because he didn't remember he had just woken up and was covered in vomit. I told him that I had left before him so no I didn't know what happend. (He had kissed me at the bar but we were both drunk and I was sure he didn't remember doing that so I didn't bring that up because I was sure it was nothing more than a druken habit) While we were on the phone that morning he asked me to come over, I said "Why?" and he said "Because I love you and I want you here with me". So of course I went over there, He was still laying in bed and asked me to lay down with him so I did, when I laid down he said "I love you so much K" I didn't say anything. We spent the rest of the day together and ended up having sex later in the day. I took this as a sign he was wanting to get back together. I left and went to pick up my daughter and spent the night at my moms an hour away.

He called early the next morning (yesterday morning) to see if we wanted to go have breakfast. I told him that I had stayed at my Mom's and was going to spend the day with Mom but I would call him when I got back into town. So I did and asked him if he wanted me to pick up some dinner and come over and watch Weeds (which is what we usually watch on Mondays).After the show went off I asked him what were his intentions with all that yesterday, was he wanting to get back together and work on things. He said he didn't know yet. I told him that if that was the case that I couldn't do this anymore then, that I felt like he had used the fact that he knows I'm still in love with him to get me over there and get what he wanted. And asked why did he call me up telling me that he loved me if he didn't want to get back together. He said " Because I do love you K and I wanted you here yesterday, I wanted to spend time with you" I told him thats not what "friends" do and I need a definte answer. He said he didn't want to answer that question at this point but if he absoultly had to he would have to say no becaue he doesn't feel secure enough at this point to jump back into a relationship but what he really wants is a little more time. He wants to spend time together to see if things can really be different and if I'm still the person he's in love with after the way I treated him. I said "ok so your wanting to date??" he said well isn't that kind of what we're doing? I told him that I could understand where he was coming from and we could date for a couple of week and I would give him the time that he needed. I feel like I owe that to him, that I should really put myself out there for him because I do love him and haven't been doing that for him.
Am I insane?

[sparkle_jello]

You shouldn't have treated him so badly. Despite what the issues you had were, you should have either forgiven him and made it work, or left him. Who would want to be in a relationship where they are constantly being reminded of a past mistake? Anyways, he is going to need a lot of time to see if it's worth sticking around for. Of course you are going to act different now that you are broken up, so he needs to see what you will eventually act like.

[kirbkirb]

Yea thats what I was thinking as well> I'm just not sure how I'm supposed to handle feeling "on trial" all the time.

[cmacattack1]

It sounds like "being friends" is not very possible at the moment. You both have feelings for each other, and I'm sure by saying "let's be friends" he doesn't want to lose you for good to somebody else. All that is though is just keeping you around for his convenience. Regardless of how badly you treated him, if you wanted to break up with him, you would have. You didn't, so it's obvious that you want to be with him. To keep you around like that is actually quite selfish. I'm sure he doesn't mean to be, but it is. You feel guilty for how you treated him, but you can't change the past and shouldn't be constantly rubbed in.

What you need is some time on your own to really sort things out and dive into your issues. I see that you wrote alot in detail about what happened recently, but I think the most important thing to really look into is your issues through the relationship. Ask yourself why did you act that way in the first place? You have to be brutally honest and you have to really want to find some answers, and it will certainly help you with your progress as a girlfriend and a human being. You say now that you realized, but I don't think you are quite in the position to execute being a good girlfriend. I think you still have some bad habits, and he is going to be nothing more than a distraction in that.

I know you care about him and it hurts not having him in your life. But staying together after all that has happened, or trying to pretend you are friends when you both want more is just getting in the way of your growth and development. For most, it takes really losing something you love to finally understand and want to put the work in to be a better person. What incentive do you have if he is kind of hanging around like you guys are going to be back together again soon? You are going to fall back on your same old bad habits, I can almost promise you that. You need to be on your own. You both need to be on your own. It takes some work, it takes some understanding, it's going to take a little bit of soul searching to really figure out stuff for yourself.

And when I say figure out stuff on your own, I don't just mean "how to be a good girlfriend". I mean focus on yourself. Focus on your schoolwork or full time job if that's what you have. Focus on the things you have control over, the things that can make your life better, to give yourself self worth, and be able to stand on your own two feet without having to lean on a boyfriend as a crutch like you did to this poor guy. You crushed him with the weight of your issues. Ease off of him. Don't put so much pressure on him. Don't put yourself in the situation of being criticized by him, because he is hurt right now for putting up with your abuse for so long (which was his responsibility as well).

Don't think about how to get him back, think about how to live life without him until you ready for a more sophisticated relationship. I hate to see you hang around some more, go nowhere with your growth, and then have him find somebody else or date you again and have it end in disaster. Because that's what will happen if you both are the same people trying to date again. You haven't changed yet and neither has he. That will need to happen to be successful. You can always be friends or something down the line, but you have to put this failed relationship behind you and you have to cut your contact with him and be on your own for a while. It's scary, it sucks being alone, but show some character. You lived your life fine before you met him. You can do it again.

[kirbkirb]

It somewhat sucks right now because I got laid off the friday before we broke up so I litterally have nothing on going to focus on. He was my entire life I didn't have anything else, I'm 26 and have never even really lived by myself fully. I went from my mom's house to my exhusbands house when I was 19 then when we got divoced at 24 I got a roommate immediatly (male) then I got into a relationship with R at 24 1/2 and spent at least 3 nights a week at his place even though I have my own place now. I'm not really sure I know how to be alone and I'm scared. I live 2 hours away from my family and don't have that many friends here, I can't really go out and doing anything because I'm a sinlge mom of an 16 month old (not R's). I just don't know what to do.

[cmacattack1]

Focus on finding a job first and foremost, you obviously need some kind of income. Even if you are overqualified for it, take something to get you by right now until your next job. I know it's tough to work a long day and come home and take care of your child (if you even have somebody to take care of your kid) but you have to keep yourself focused. You have nobody to lean on now and if you have been so dependent on everybody else, this is why it's very scary. Most people need a distraction coming out of a tough relationship, something fun to do, something carefree, but it doesn't sound like you have that as an option. It's not the end of the world though. Get a job and it will help you feel some form of self worth, and it's something to build off of.

[breacliff]

Thanks for sharing. Just like you, i have been experiencing that also. lol. Just think of this, God has the reason why it all happens.