My Insecurities Ruined My Relationship - Can't Forgive Myself

[JustPassing]

Every day since I fell out with my ex bf and we broke up via email I have suffered not only from the agony of heartbreak and the associated despair and feelings of worthlessness that result from my low self esteem, but also an intense feeling of self hatred which further hinders my ability to move forward.

It has been 5 months since the break up occurred and yet to me it feels like it happened yesterday my despair and self hatred are so intense.I just feel so guilty because it is my insecurities and anxiety that triggered my break up and left me in this pit of heartbreak and despair.

I've had severe depression for the last 5 months and wake up every morning with a horrible sense of dread and this horrible despair which causes dark thoughts to circle through my mind (suicidal thoughts).

I've been so bad lately that I've has psychiatrists and psychotherapists come round to my house nearly every day to check on me. They even considered taking away to a mental hospital, but as I'm lucky enough to have my parents around to look after me they decided it might be better to try treating me at home first. I'm sure they would have committed me if my parents weren't here though as I have no motivation to do anything anymore (barely have motivation to get out of bed) and they prepare food and make me do daily activities that I wouldn't do otherwise.

Problem is no matter how many times people tell me what I did to cause the meltdown of my relationship was understandable and forgivable I just can't forgive myself for triggering its end and putting myself through this much pain and anguish.

Every day I go over and over the break up in my mind and the events leading up to the break up and I think how easily it could all have been avoided if only I had not told my ex bf how insecure I felt and sent impulsive emails saying that our relationship wouldn't work out if he couldn't understand how I felt.

And I still am struggling to fully accept the break up as I love my ex bf so much still and although I know he's likely better off without me, and no doubt long since moved on, I hate myself so much for ruining things.

Its also very difficult for me to move on because I have this long term illness which limits my physical activity and I have no other friends because my ex bf was my best and only friend. So I can't try to move on by spending more time with friends or going to the gym. I can spend some time with my family and I'm very lucky to have such a loving family. But the isolating effects of my illness add to my sense of hopelessness. And life seems meaningless to me without my ex bf in my life, as I became incredibly co-dependent and relied on him for much of my happiness (I know that is a terrible thing to do) but I am only just starting to realize how low my self esteem is and how unhealthy our relationship was due to my co-dependency.

I just don't know how to forgive myself for this. And I wondered if anyone out there had had similar experiences and how they had managed to forgive their mistakes and move on?

** I suffer from, anxiety, obsessive thinking, severe depression, obsessive love disorder, love addiction, co-dependency, social phobia