Is it ever ok to take on a mistress in a marriage?

[Harte]

In a marriage only together for fullfilling commitment of rearing children. There is no physical contact what so ever between wife/myself. Very little to no communication also.

In this scenario is there conditions where it would become ok to take on a mistress?

[carl1222]

Sure ... if she agrees to it and can take on a pool boy of her own! Have you two considered swinging?

Carl.

[vashti]

if she's okay with it, I don't see why not....

[Wallace Stevens]

Even if she's not okay with it, it sounds like this is a marriage in none but name.

[Harte]

An interesting twist in thread of responses Wallace,

So in the given scenario you feel that agreement wouldn't need to be required.

and Carl to answer you about swinging, Yes we considered it back when we were lovers, never went thru with it, however have had same room sex with other couples once.
Not so sure she would agree to that at this point, her knowing I would enjoy it would cause her to not want to participate.

[NeoSeminole]

it's ok to have an affair if your partner is not willing to satisfy your needs.

[NeoSeminole]

also, whoever says you need your wife's permission is stupid. She's already being selfish by only thinking of herself. What makes you think her answer will be any different? I would be surprised if she did say "yes."

[Enigmos]

agree with the previous comment of the "in name only" marriage. just curious if she is past menopause?

it's up to you if you want to share with her or not your need for sexual gratification outside of the marriage. just don't endanger her health by having unprotected sex with her after you've gone elsewhere.

good luck.

[vashti]

also, whoever says you need your wife's permission is stupid. She's already being selfish by only thinking of herself. What makes you think her answer will be any different? I would be surprised if she did say "yes."

What makes you think she is the one withholding sex? He only said they have no physical contact... and BTW - it sounds like he is ALSO thinking only of himself.

Harte - what did your vows say, and assuming you agreed to be monogamous, how would you feel about yourself if you broke them? Aren't you the guy that has a couple of young kids? If I were in her position, I would rather you had a discreet mistress than tear up my kid's family and throw them into the world of "blended families", but I admit I am probably pretty unusual in that regard.

[Mish]

An interesting twist in thread of responses Wallace,

So in the given scenario you feel that agreement wouldn't need to be required.

That's not what Wallace meant. He meant that your marriage is falling apart and you need to do some work to fix it instead of ruining it even further.

[Harte]

You'd have to stand in my shoes to know how it is here. Sure I have little children and have sacrafised a lot for them. Just because I have children doesn't mean I should have to write off my entire personal comfort. I've done my job and have done a good job not only as father but also as husband.

You see my wife is in default on our contract. Yes there is the "vows" and I must admit vashti after being faithful to her for 13 years it would bother me considerably to stop being true. However more important then the vows was the agreement between us. She wanted a family, and I agreed to help her make that dream come true because I loved her and wanted her dreams fullfilled. Her biological clock was ticking. We went to fertility specialists for several years to enable her to conceive our first child. The cost was somewhere around 4k a month for injectible drugs. The consideration for me in our "contract" was that she would mother my then 5 year old son and provide friendship, comfort and love to me.

She is in default on that contract as today I'm treated cruely, cold and indifferent and my now 19 year old son also was forced to endure her cold black heart. I've honored my portion of the agreement. I just really don't see why this marriage should preclude my right to pursue the physical comforts I've been denied.

[vashti]

You sound hateful. Why bother with the mistress? Just divorce her. That kind of spite may be worse for kids than divorce.

And don't think I don't realize there is more to this story than you are telling. I have been in your exact shoes, and I would die of shock if you played absolutely no role in her distancing herself. What was YOUR issue with this relationship? What did YOU do wrong?

[Mish]

The consideration for me in our "contract" was that she would mother my then 5 year old son and provide friendship, comfort and love to me.

And was she aware of her said obligations under this said contract?

Have you talked to her why she is acting in a said cruel, indifferent and cold way? Maybe there was another obligation in the contract that from her point of view you are also not fulfilling?

[CocoChanel]

You are cold and resentful. Why don't you get a divorce and live your life as a single man instead of cheating, committing adultery.

[IndiReloaded]

You're not ready to fight. You're ready to quit.

Still having trouble with that commitment concept, I see.

What you are suggesting is just another form of quitting. Its cowardly to consign your family to this kind of purgatory. Either fix things & make them right or get out.

Did you read that post about Stages of Marriage yet, Harte? Or are you so unmotivated to save your marriage, that you can't even bother to extend that much effort? Awful lot of posts in other threads here I see you've made... clearly you have the time.

What do you do for a living? Just curious. Have you ever had to actually suck something up and make it better? Or do you always quit when the going gets tough?