Help before breakup happens!!!!

[IBDBOSS]

Ok, a little background.

I met this girl online (neither of us had ever done anything like that before) and we met up for dinner. What a great night! We both got along extremely well and the conversation lasted until almost 3 o'clock in the morning. The next day she called to see if we could hang out again. I said sure. So for about a month this went on. She even went through the effort of sitting her 3 boys down and telling them that she would be dating me and that things weren't working out with Tyler (her ex who she has a kid with, but never got married to). The kids accepted this really well, and I got to start hanging out at the house a little more when they were around. We were both really into each other.

Then it hit me!!! She stayed at my house one night and the next day was planning on going snowboarding with some friends. She was supposed to call later that night when she got back and when she did she told me Tyler had gone with them and we needed to talk. I met her the next day and she told me she was having a really hard time because she still had some feelings for him and felt bad because she wasn't giving me 100% of her attention and that when she was with him she was constantly thinking about me. I asked her what she needed to do and she asked for a little time (like about a week or so) to figure things out.

Well a day went by and she started texting me again saying she is really missing me and wanted to see me, so a day later we met up for lunch. Kind of awkward, to say the least. All I had on my mind was how much I loved this girl and what I could do to make it work. I took it as a good sign that she wanted to see me and thought that maybe she was starting to settle things down in her mind. Well the next day she had to work a night shift, so I decided to take her a drink to let her know that she was on my mind. This went over extremely well and she even asked her boss if she could get off a little early. She came and spent the night at my house again! The next day I had to work so I left her sleeping at my place and didn't hear anything from her until later that day when she told me that Tyler's parents invited her and the kids over for dinner. This didn't bother me because they are her youngest kids grandparents. Well yesterday I got the text again that we needed to talk and she would call me. I figured she had made a decision and I was going to the street.

When she called she told me she wanted to talk in person but couldn't that night because Tyler was over playing with the kids. I said fine, let's meet tomorrow. We continued to talk on the phone and she told me that she truly loves me and is just really struggling. I asked her if she had made a decision and she hesitated for a minute and then said I think so. I knew what was coming, but then I started to tell her what she meant to me and that I promised that if she was just to give me a chance I would do everything in my power to never let her get hurt again. She then said she didn't know what she wanted to do and really wasn't sure why she is struggling with who to be with. She knows what and how I will treat her.

The problem I am having is that Tyler and her have a kid together and I can't compete with that. But here is the history with that one....They were together on and off again for about 3 years. She finally had enough and asked if they were ever going to get married so last August he proposed, but refused to ever talk about wedding plans. I feel he gave her the ring to shut her up. So she finally gave the ring back in December and told me she was done with him and really never showed any interest in going back to him, but as soon as he found out she was dating me he started to play the head games to win her back. He is making promises that this will work this time around. How can I convince her that she is doing this for the wrong reason. She told me once she would hate to look back and wonder if it would ever work if he changed. I just really believe that he won't change and she is going to get hurt, and in the end she will lose two people. I guess I am fighting and hurting so bad because this girl is just perfect for me. We get along great (never fought once) and I just feel she is the one. I can't lose her, but am at my last hopes. Help me please.

[carl1222]

It's unfortunate that she still has feelings for her ex-boyfriend/babydaddy but she does. You can't compete with that. Remember ... no matter how good you make yourself look in comparison to him, she will follow her heart and not her head. So you may be the best boyfriend in the world and he may be the worst ... until her heart is free of him, you will always be just one corner of a triangle. Three people in a relationship doesn't work.

My advice is to sit her down and tell her that you are going to give her the space she needs to resolve her feelings. Then (the hard part) ... break off ALL contact with her. At least she will realize that you won't be waiting in the wings and available to be her fallback. If she comes back to you, and after a reasonable amount of time passes (say 6 months) you might consider trying again if you are still free. If you do, and the same issue comes up again, dump her for good.

Carl.