In love with a girl who's in a relationship

[Abitapprehensiv]

Okay, so, I work with this girl who's pretty much on my mind constantly, but she has a boyfriend. At first I made a point to myself to keep her out of my sights, because that's not something I like to get involved with, plus working together would make a failed attempt even worse.

However, we have wonderful chemistry. She likes all the things I like, I get the jokes she makes that nobody else does and vice versa, and her personality is pretty much a female version of my own, not to mention I think she's adorable as all hell. I kept my thoughts away from her for a while, but through overhearing her talking with other coworkers, I've gleaned that she is less than head over heels for her current man and that ignited a proper interest in her from me. She complains about him not taking her into consideration, most recently that he was lying about having to work in order to avoid spending Christmas with her family. He comes in to visit every now and then, and she doesn't seem thrilled to see him ever, and sometimes even a bit indifferent to his presence. Long story short, I've never heard her speak of him in a positive light. No "he's so wonderful" or "I'm so happy with him" or anything like that. Just complaints. They've been together for over two years, so maybe the luster has worn off.

On the other hand, whenever we work together we have a blast, and I get a dose of signals. Silly jokes, casual touching, and teasing each other make up a bulk of our communication. I've even caught her checking me out a few times, looking up and down my body, and she'll stand really close to me when talking, like closer than most people would. This could be general flirtation, but, personally, I have a difficult time separating that from romantic-interest flirtation, plus I don't see her doing the same when talking to the other guys at work. Last week, on the 23rd, I ran into her while Christmas shopping, and she was on her way to her parents' house, alone, and wanted to get something to eat before dealing with the traffic. I didn't want to be creepy and say something that revealed my eavesdropping, so we chit chatted a bit and then went our separate ways. I later felt bad, because she looked pretty dejected at the time (and I've been beating myself up over my lack of action in that moment ever since), so I sent her a message on facebook saying as much. Her reply mentioned that she's used to being alone all the time, and I got a boost in hope for the chance that she's looking for a reason to leave her boyfriend. I said that if she got sick of being alone, I too could use a change of pace, and left it at that.

I figured at the very least, if she wasn't interested and was seriously happy with her guy, then my comments would have made her cut back on the flirtiness, but it seems to have become more intense since then. The last day that we worked together this week, she was all giggly and happy and joking around like I've never seen her before. She touched me more than usual, and even took a bottle of candy toppings we use on certain drinks (we work at starbucks, if anyone's curious) and dumped a good amount into my apron pocket. Right before she left that day, I decided to give her a pin that I had as a late Christmas gift, and she didn't seem weirded out or anything. Quite appreciative, actually. A few days later, my new years plans fell through, so I reached out and asked what she was up to. She said she didn't really have any plans, so I asked if she wanted to meet up somewhere, but then she said that her boyfriend was just procrastinating with figuring it out. Also, she's never said the word "boyfriend" when talking to me about him, but refers to him by his name. The last girl I talked to who was in a relationship used the BF word right away, and she wasn't interested, so I'm wondering if not saying "boyfriend" a sign? Anyway, that's the gist of our relationship at the moment.

What I want to know is how should I go about telling her how I feel while keeping in mind she may not reciprocate, as well as how I can react to either answer? I'm prepared for it, but I just don't want to ruin our friendship if that's the case. The best I can come up with is

"Hey, I know you're in a relationship, but you don't seem happy with it and I really like you"

There's probably a better/more delicate way to put it, and that's what I'm looking for. I'm also wondering when would be the best time and place to do this? Obviously, right when our shift starts is a terrible idea, because if it goes bad then we've got the whole rest of the day to endure afterwards. Frankly, I'd like to avoid being at work in general, but then again it could be a safe place to avoid things getting too real. My idea is to ask if she has a moment towards the end of the day, say what I say, and then go from there.

Finally, I would like to know how to react to her possible responses (yes, no, or "I don't know"). If it's yes, and she hates her boyfriend and decides to leave him, then I think I'll be alright on my own but if you have any pointers on where to go from there I'll listen. If it's no, then my intention is to ask her to cut it out with the flirting because it's messing with my feelings, and then some advice on being careful with how she acts with those she's not interested in. But the answer I'm most afraid of getting is the "I don't know how I feel" option. I'm afraid of this one because it could mean that she is interested, which is great, but she's still hung up on her boyfriend. I don't want to treat this as a no, because maybe she is just confused and needs some time to think about it and if I give up there then I may be missing out on something, but I don't want to treat it as a yes and get my hopes up and end up waiting for something that's not going to come to anything. If that's the case, then I think I'll give her the time she'll need, but set a deadline or something so that I'll have a marker for when it's time to move on.

So, to recap:

-Does she have an interest in me?

-How should I approach her about my own feelings?

-If she's not interested, how should I go from there?

-If she isn't sure how she feels, then what should I say, and how long should I give her to think about it?

Thanks for any advice you give, and if you want any further details then ask away. I know I left some stuff out but I feel this is the more pertinent information.

[Wakeup]

She HAS A BOYFRIEND. Stop ingratiating yourself into her life and simply back off of anything other then work related stuff. You're allowing yourself to crush on someone who is taken. Stop it now and start looking to girls that are free to be crushing on.

Don't say anything to her about your crushing on her. You'll look lame as **** if you do.

[Abitapprehensiv]

Well, today I find out she no longer has a boyfriend. They broke up a few days ago, and we're meeting up later tonight to talk about things. I don't know where it will go, but I do know my hunch was right: They weren't happy, and she at least finds in me a good friend. I'm not sure what to expect, but I'm glad enough that something like a window of opportunity has arrived.

Thanks for the advice anyway, but I've never subscribed to the idea that just because someone's in a relationship means that you shouldn't make an effort of some sort. If their relationship is strong enough, then they won't be interested, and then you move on. I'll never give up on someone just because they happened to have met someone else before they got a chance to meet me.

[Wakeup]

Thanks for the advice anyway, but I've never subscribed to the idea that just because someone's in a relationship means that you shouldn't make an effort of some sort.

Well, in that case may her ex make an effort to get her back and Fvck you over.

Koombya

[tayhei]

Well, today I find out she no longer has a boyfriend. They broke up a few days ago, and we're meeting up later tonight to talk about things. I don't know where it will go, but I do know my hunch was right: They weren't happy, and she at least finds in me a good friend. I'm not sure what to expect, but I'm glad enough that something like a window of opportunity has arrived.

Thanks for the advice anyway, but I've never subscribed to the idea that just because someone's in a relationship means that you shouldn't make an effort of some sort. If their relationship is strong enough, then they won't be interested, and then you move on. I'll never give up on someone just because they happened to have met someone else before they got a chance to meet me.

The thing is, it's very messy chasing someone who is already with another. Or just freshly breaks up. I've seen friends of mine in this situation, and it always ends in misery. I would strongly suggest waiting for her to get over her boyfriend first. If you want any kind of serious relationship with her, respect her and wait. It will get her mind clear off her ex and not implant doubts into your mind about her commitment to you. You don't want the classic relationship hopper. A lot of people do this and it creates distrust in the new relationship. If you really do want to be with her romantically as you claim, you can wait at least a month or so. Good luck.

[Abitapprehensiv]

The thing is, it's very messy chasing someone who is already with another. Or just freshly breaks up. I've seen friends of mine in this situation, and it always ends in misery. I would strongly suggest waiting for her to get over her boyfriend first. If you want any kind of serious relationship with her, respect her and wait. It will get her mind clear off her ex and not implant doubts into your mind about her commitment to you. You don't want the classic relationship hopper. A lot of people do this and it creates distrust in the new relationship. If you really do want to be with her romantically as you claim, you can wait at least a month or so. Good luck.

That's my intention. Tonight we just went to a diner and talked, I made no move whatsoever, and everything was cool. I can tell she still has feelings for him, and will for a while, so in no way do I expect things to happen between us any sooner than they should, if they will at all. All I want at this point is to make it clear that I care about her, and will be there when she needs me, but without being too aggressive, and should it end in misery then so be it. I'd rather take the burn of ultimate rejection than live the rest of my life wondering what could have been had I put in some sort of effort. That's a lesson I only learned recently, and despite the hurt that it caused me last year at least I'm no longer wondering "what if," so in my opinion it's a better option. To each their own, I guess.

And, Wakeup, I guess he deserves that much of a chance, at least, and I'm prepared to deal with that if it happens. She's not responsible for anybody else's happiness but her own, and if she ultimately decides on him over me, then so be it. Again, I'd rather know for sure than wonder "what if?"

[tayhei]

Okay that's good. I would not focus on the "what if" and the effort you take to try to win her over. The point is, she's in a very vulnerable state right now. I bet she wants comfort, but when I break up with someone, dating other people is off my radar and I just want guys to leave me alone, romantically speaking. Friends is ok. To be frank, if someone made a move on me after I just broke up, I would consider it an utter turnoff. Doesn't really show respect for my feelings, you know.

I would do what you're doing, letting her know you care and are there for her. Though, I would continue to live your life because availability is not attractive. She has feelings for him still, so I would proceed with caution. It is difficult on how to go about trying to pop her the question of a relationship, just give her time for now. It is what she needs.

It seems what the problem with my friends was that they pressured the other person, cornering them, using things against them, using guilt to get them into a relationship, etc.

[Wakeup]

That's my intention. Tonight we just went to a diner and talked, I made no move whatsoever, and everything was cool. I can tell she still has feelings for him, and will for a while, so in no way do I expect things to happen between us any sooner than they should, if they will at all. All I want at this point is to make it clear that I care about her, and will be there when she needs me, but without being too aggressive, and should it end in misery then so be it. I'd rather take the burn of ultimate rejection than live the rest of my life wondering what could have been had I put in some sort of effort. That's a lesson I only learned recently, and despite the hurt that it caused me last year at least I'm no longer wondering "what if," so in my opinion it's a better option. To each their own, I guess.

And, Wakeup, I guess he deserves that much of a chance, at least, and I'm prepared to deal with that if it happens. She's not responsible for anybody else's happiness but her own, and if she ultimately decides on him over me, then so be it. Again, I'd rather know for sure than wonder "what if?"

Well.. you're going to end up friend-zoned. That much is clear and you will more likely then not end up that way because you can't help your self absorbed way of handling things. "I'll be there for her" and talking about him while you listened like a good little male girlfriend translates to a foundation anchored in sand or better known, if it gets past you being her male girlfriend to REBOUND RELATIONSHIP.

Most guys who horn in on someone else's relationship usually quickly try to get a leg over so that it's clear to her from the beginning that you're male and not female with dangly bits.

[smackie9]

Dude you are f'd. Wakeup is right, you will have friend zone/rebound in your grasp and nothing more. Your infatuation with her is making you very short sighted. You took her out for dinner...call it what you want, but that's a frickin date. You are not fooling anyone that you are not trying to worm your way in by being present in her life as much as possible, being there for her......this is your biggest mistake.

You want this to work, then stop being a shelp, and only communicate with her at work. DO NOT hang out with her outside of work. The other poster is right, availability is very unattractive. Let me explain something..... A breakup is difficult, a lot of emotions are at play, it's confusing, painful, and feeling lost.....when you are around her when she is going through this, you will always remind her about it, all the pain and everything. So what do you think happens? You are tainted by those memories and she will not want anything to do with you. Keep your distance, make sure she knows you are not 100% with her and that you have other things in your life and she doesn't take priority.

[woody]

Just be mindful of the ol' what's that term? Rebound zone. Then again, I was a rebound and we're doing great. Only 3 years in, living together past 2 but yeah, not all so called 'rebounds' fizzle out; in fact, sometimes they be connections of a lifetime.
You really like this lady? Seems you do. So keep it light, natural and have fun. Mind your heart though; keep it safe, all that and enjoy this time.
Just be careful you don't get stomped.
congrats by the way.

[Abitapprehensiv]

Thanks, I've been taking the advice and not communicating out of work. Pretty hard, but you're right and I don't want to associate myself with the bad memories. I've also kept the workplace chatter light and off-topic, and haven't said a thing about how I really feel. So far so good

[Kolin_M]

The best advice in this situation would be - to back off. Think about it, do you really want such kind of relationships? My friend dated a girl from Russia, he met her on a dating web site. But he also had a gf in his home town. Nothing worked for him, both girls dumped him. So let her go and find someone who respect your feelings.

[Abitapprehensiv]

My best guess is that you're assuming that she's one of those people that will look into other potential suitors while already seeing somebody, and I don't get that vibe at all. She's not making any moves on me, and a lot of the signals I mentioned I feel are subconscious, like the attraction is there but she's not going for it strictly because of her relationship status. One time when she was particularly giggly with me she said something like "omg I don't know what's going on! I'm usually in such a bad mood!" Quite sure that if she was single when we first met we'd have been all over each other before too long. But I'm okay with where I'm at, and can deal with the level cap set to "friends" for now.

They broke up since my first post, through no action or suggestion of my own, so no matter what happens from here out I at least don't need to worry about her attraction to me being amoral.

[Abitapprehensiv]

Well, shit. I haven't messed things up or anything, been keeping cool and haven't met up outside of work, but she's moving back to her hometown in another state. It's her best option, she moved out here for her ex, and has nobody to talk to or move in with to get away from him, and what she needs now are her friends and family to comfort her. It sucks, but if she stays she's not going to be happy. She leaves in a week, and I don't know if/what I should say about my feelings. I've gotten advice elsewhere that I should just keep it simple and not put any pressure on her, to just tell her I'll miss her and remind her that she's leaving behind more than just a bunch of bad memories, and that I'd like it if she kept in touch. She's not moving too far away, about a five hour drive, so I'm not discounting the possibility of developing a long-distance relationship in the future.

Thoughts?

[smackie9]

Tempting as it is to get in there at the last minute, you never discuss "feelings" when you are not in a romantic relationship with them. I agree with that advice you were given and I would stick with that. To be desirable is to be less available and more mysterious. Don't let the cat out of the bag....it's better for her to keep guessing. Plus she is dealing with a breakup that has made her uproot her life again, quite her job, etc. That is a lot of stress, so why compound it with you expressing your feelings....too much too soon.