Complicated Online Relationship about to turn real.

[Thunder_head]

Hello everyone, first time poster here. I suppose this may be a wall of text, so to speak, but I believe I need help addressing 2 things, which I"ll go into later.

Well, at about mid-Novermber in 2009, I met a girl online through a common interest forum (game development). Although I didn't realize it at the time, I was being drawn to her, as she was to me. We are compatible in just about everything; we listen to the same music, we're open to new experiences in our lives, we watch the same things, we enjoy the same humor, we speak in similar tones, we had similar experiences as children - in terms of interest..which we still have, both of us. Sports, views on life, views on relationships, people, marriage, kids, responsibility, maturity, pecuniary matters. We match on all.

Over the course of about 1 month of online chatting and facebook, video and voice came into play. At the time, we were joined by another mutual friend, but that quickly changed. I was spending anywhere from 2-6 hours a day with her over video and voice chat online.

Before I continue, here are some things you should know about me: I'm 19 years old, and majoring in Pre-Professional Biology. I've never kissed a girl, I'm a virgin, and I've never had a girlfriend. Up to this point, I've never really wanted to be in a relationship either (be it due to school, or lack of interest in trying to find a suitable girl, or even lazyness). I've never been in love either, as you may have guessed. You could say that I'm a "newbie" when it comes to...anything that has to do with relationships. I live on the East Coast of the United States, but I'm from Europe.

To continue my story, around the end of January, I had been talking with her nearly 5 hours a day, every day, and I had even woken her up just about every day and sat with her until she went to sleep just about every night as well. Initially the waking up was a request from her on a specific day because she's usually not a morning person, but needs to get up early. At this point, it had become a routine in my life that I enjoyed and that I looked forward to. Since I'm not experienced in these matters at all, I suddenly started realizing that I'd had some incredibly strong feelings laying back that I was either not paying attention to(because these were a first, perhaps?) or was subconsciously ignoring. Well, go figure, apparently she had a very significant crush on me. As I began to realize my feelings, I tried to analyze what they were as well. It wasn't something I had ever felt before...finally she asked me what was wrong (as I had noticeably changed in demeanor)...well, she's a stubborn girl, and after a few days of probing (which I turned into a fun game of guesses and vague answers), she basically got me to that point, and I told her that I loved her. Obviously, this took her by surprise, as she was apparently expecting me to tell her that I had a crush on her as well.

Before I go on, here as some things about her: She is 21 years old. She's majoring in 3D animation. She has had several boyfriends before, she's had sex, and she has kissed guys before. However, essentially all of her past relationships have been incredibly damaging and unhealthy. From an insensitive boyfriend who tried to kill himself 2 times when she tried to leave and actually raped her, to one who cheated on her in plain site and made her feel like shit about her appearance due to his online activities (when she was right there), to another who was psychotic, bi polar, and manipulative (let her have no friends, pushed her away and emotionally treated her like shit for a whole year, including blackmail). However, she's aware of all my "inadequacies" when it comes to relationships, and she's willing to teach me anything that can be taught (kissing/sex/etc) and she's willing to sit with me through the trial and error on my part(aren't all relationships trial and error?) I'm sure you'll think me biased, but she's one of the kindest, most joyful, most driven people I've ever met. I've seen very few people who enjoy life as much as she does. She lives on the West Coast of the United States, and is from Canada.

To continue on, after I told her that I loved her, things moved pretty quickly. There is physical attraction on both ends, but I know what I"m feeling isn't simple lust - I'd like to be with her even if I can't have sex with her. While that aspect of a relationship is often on my mind (as a male...who is surprised), I've never really felt that I would find it important if it was not included. At this point, she had been with her bipolar boyfriend for 2 years. Half of that time he had been treating her like shit (apparently this started after she moved away from Canada and their honeymoon period had ended). I believe the only reason I got as far as I have is because he was completely ****ing up. To shorten this story, our lust became considerable enough for us to...well, I'll spare any details and say that we know about each other's bodies - as much as there is to know without physical contact. By March-April of 2010, she basically told me she was in love with me as well. Go figure, the bi-polar psychotic boyfriend that has never let her have any friends and has never trusted her, somehow, got into his head that she was cheating on him with one of his friends. He flies from halfway across the country on this whim, to her doorstep, and requests her phone and laptop so he can search them for evidence. Obviously she says no, but he somehow snuck into her room on the premise that he is her boyfriend, while she was away in class, and discovered my...log of 5-6 months on skype with her, including some things that she and I had done. This eventually lead to them breaking up. I realize all 3 people are at fault here, her and I included, but the way I see it, if he hadn't gone crazy, it would have never lead up to this. She's never cheated on any of her boyfriends, and this would be the worst of it. It's not something I'm worried about, as he'd been treating her like hell for a whole year. I can't even remember how many times I saw her cry because of his crazy bullshit.

To this day, the beginning of the 8th month since I met her, I still wake her up every morning and still go to sleep with her over the laptop. We still talk anywhere from 2-12 hours a day, every day. I still look forward to it every day. In fact, it's possibly the only thing I DO look forward to. She's made me into a different person, a better person, and without her, I can't seem to enjoy life. All I want to do is make her happy and see her smile. I would do almost anything for her.

And we come to this. I'll be meeting her in 20 days. She flies from the West Coast to spend a month with me here. At the moment, I'm taking Summer Courses to get college over with more quickly, so I'm living with my parents. She'll be staying with me in my bed. My parents are aware of this, and are fine with it (which was surprising...Europeans, am I right?).

So here are some things I'm hoping people can address:

1. As I said, I've never been in a relationship before. I don't exactly know how to handle myself when the title of "Boyfriend" is bestowed on me. We essentially treat each other as Bf/Gf already, but in person, it's quite different, and I don't need to have been in a relationship to know that. I'm quite anxious about my inexperience in these matters, even though I know she's aware and doesn't mind. How to touch, her hold her, kiss her..are these fears unfounded? Should I just put them out of my mind and let it happen, even if I do feel awkward? On an emotional level, I'm right there with her - such matters I can handle like an expert, even though I've never been in a relationship. It's just this..new aspect. Completely new to me.

2. Are we moving too fast? Meeting her would be amazing, and I wish for it more than anything, but she'll be sleeping beside me on the first night she's there. While I could easily tell her that I'll sleep on the floor of my room, I'm not quite sure what she'll think of that. I'm sure she'll be understanding, but perhaps sleeping beside her (no sexual activity here) would help us become closer together, and take some of the stress and work out (literally?) I only ask because, while I"ve been talking with her every day for hours, for the past 7 months, I feel like I'll know her perfectly, and know nothing of her at the same time.

3. Perhaps an unfounded fear, but I've been running into pictures of her with her last boyfriend, during their honeymoon phase, before he turned into a bi-polar psycho. At that time, everyone thought they were going to be married, and I've heard her say that they were nearly perfect for each other. When I see the pictures, and when I see how happy she is in them, I just feel like I'll never be able to make her as happy as he did. It may sound strange, but that's really the most important thing to me. I want her to to be happy, to smile and to laugh and to enjoy life. Is it silly of me?

4. Finally, overall opinions on how this has played out so far and how it may play out in the future. Is this something good, something wise? What do you think of it? I know both of us are taking risks, but nothing will happen if we don't.

Apologies for the wall of text - I commend anyone who had the power to read through it and even reply with advice.

Thank you. Please ask me any additional questions you may have.

[FNM]

Interesting read man. I'm not sure if I'm capable of giving you all the advice you need, but I'll give you my two cents.

Regarding you being unfamiliar with how to 'handle' a woman physically, I would advise that you just take it slowly with her. Hugging and kissing are not hard by any measure, and I have no doubt that it will come naturally to you. No doubt you have discussed your lack of experience with woman, so she will be anticipating that and (if she's as wonderful as you say she is) I'm sure she'll take the wheel and guide you. As I say, as long as you take it slow and at your own comfort level, you're unlikely to experience and problems with intimacy.

Are you moving too fast? I don't think so, you seem to have been talking for a while, so it seems perfectly reasonable that you should meet each other in person. As for her sharing your bed on the first night, that may be a little fast. I wouldn't make any decisions prior to meeting her, but definitely be prepared to modify your sleeping arrangements. If it gets to 'bed time' and it just doesn't feel right, then it's probably best to crash on the couch or on the floor. Sharing a bed is pretty significant, so don't do it for the sake of it, make sure you're both comfortable with it.

I don't think it's silly of you to want the best for her. I also don't blame you for feeling anxious about not being able to make her as happy as her ex. Having said that, based upon how you speak about her and how interested she seems to be in being with you, I have no doubt that you will make her as happy (probably happier) than the bi-polar fella. Let's be honest, her last memories of him aren't going to be of how 'great' he was in the early days. She will remember him for being a creepy, unpredictable stalker. So no, I don't think you've got your work cut out for you, you'll be able to make her very happy I'm sure.

Overall, I think you are doing the right thing, it's best to nip these things in the bud and get the wheel rolling, rather than waiting years and years, which is what some online 'lovers' do. As long as the both of you are comfortable with spending a month together, then there's nothing else that should matter.

Not that I want to end on a sour note, but I would like to say this: I've been in a long distance relationship before (that's a whole different wall of text) and in the end it failed, in a rather spectacular fashion. She turned out to be very different to what I was expecting (and hoping for). Based on this, my advice to you is to be realistic, and perhaps even pessimistic. It's almost impossible not to be idealistic about these things and dream about how perfect things could be. In reality things quite often aren't perfect. The two of you could be perfect for each other (I hope you are), but you have to keep an open mind, and be prepared for things to be less wonderful than you expect. Because if your head is constantly in the clouds about things, and she turns out to be different to what you were expecting, it could be pretty devastating.

Good luck dude.

[Thunder_head]

Thank you for the kind and rational words, sir. You've certainly raised my hopes. I'll be sure to keep the things you said in mind. Again - thank you.