Hey all, i just needed to come and vent here as i need to speak to someone...
I broke up with my abusive boyfriend a while back, i was feeling pretty good about myself. Enjoying my own company and just had a really positive outlook on everything that was going on.
Well, stupidly yesterday after a long day at work, an old friend asked me to go for a drink with him. I had work super early this morning and said no first, but after a bit of persuading i agreed to go for an hour.
We showed up and who is the first person we see? Obviously my ex. He pulls me the dirtiest look as we walk past to go inside and then follows us in. First he warns the guy im with to go away, hes an old friend and there has never been anything more than a friendship. He isnt the confrontational type so he left to do his own thing.
I was left with my ex, i should have just walked away and not listened, this is why i am ashamed. I knew if i would have walked away, he would have done his very best to hurt me, hitting on girls in front of me etc.. I couldnt bear the thought of it so i just stayed.
Any male friend who came to say hello, my ex would make some stupid comment about me.
He then asked me to leave with him, i did. Again, ashamed. We went to his house and for hours and hours ranting on how disgusting i was and how everybody thought so, how everybody thought he was better off without me. Just name after name, after insult after emotional digs..
I just sat there and took it and cried my eyes out while he just blasted me, killing me inside. Everytime he said something, that he would never 'respect a woman like me', and how he cant wait to find someone worth something more than a f*ck, that a girl like me deserves every crappy treatment i get from a man and that i deserve to get smacked by him.. Everything he said, it just physically hurt my chest, it felt like i was about to have a heart attack it hurt so bad.
Can someone please explain this pain?The actual physical pain in your chest when something is emotionally hurtful? Has anyone ever experienced this?
Anyway... After no sleep, a long day at work, i feel SO low. I just dont feel like carrying on anything right now. I cant understand why he hates me SO much, all i ever tried was to make us work, tried to show him how much i loved him and cared.
I just hope he is not right about me, i dont feel like anything he said was right, but i cant help thinking if things make him THAT angry and he is so determined i am a shitty person, maybe i am. Maybe i wont ever find anyone else in my life..
Thanks in advance for reading.