My fiancee is 34...and im 18.

[mywhitehouse]

Basically i have been dating an older man, he is 35 i am 18. (yes ive gotten all the grief from the previous answers)
were taking it slow, we are getting engaged and it we will take our time with it until we are both ready.
i am still going to college. i also do summer courses to get done earlier. he supports whatever i want to do in life. i also have an IUD in so there wont be anything to worry about for a while. i only mention this because it was talked about in the previous answers.
i understand i am young, and i understand that i will change in a lot of ways but thats not what i want to discuss.

He was previously married and has 2 young children from that marriage. a 2 year old girl and a 6 year old boy.
He married when he was 20 to his high school sweetheart and they were married for 9 years. shes 37.
the marriage has legally ended and they worked out a custody plan (before i was in the picture) that he gets the kids monday morning through friday morning and she has them for the weekend basically.
He owned 2 houses which he gave one to his ex.
So now that we have a relationship, i am around the kids often. at first they were shy around me and asked him who i was. to make them feel more comfortable i started playing with them, going out with them and their dad and doing whatever they like. i thought it would be a good idea since i was a stranger to their home and they saw their dad being close to me (holding hands, sitting close, etc) and the two people they are use to is mom and dad, and also the grandparents.
So when i was mentioned to the ex she disliked me right away. and he and also his parents asked why a couple times and she only said "the age" at first. just those to words.
she never has spoken to me. ive tried and family gathering and she actually walks away.
she has never spoken a word to me.
so yesterday my boyfriend and I took the kids to the aquarium and we had a blast. the kids really enjoyed it and so did we, all of us spending time together, it actually felt nice.
yesterday night the whole family (grandparents, siblings, kids, and the ex) got together with us for dinner at this new restaurant. we both decided to make our engagement announcement and honestly, everyone was thrilled. except her. then the aquarium was mentioned because the kids were talking about it and she flipped. She said she doesnt her kids near me and my presence.
and she basically said she will take him to court and take full custody if he continues on with the engagement and he marries me and she said any judge would side with her. i really dont think thats a valid reason for a custody battle.
And theyre his kids too right? if he wants to spend time with all of us is that wrong?
Its not like i have to take care of the kids on my own, they had this custody agreement long before me so i dont see what has changed that would make him unable to take good care of them.

[kitkitkitty]

how long have you been together? tbh she's these kids' mother, she has every right to say what happens to them. if i was her, i personally wouldnt want my kids to bond with my ex's new woman.

[girl68]

Sorry I'm not even a mother and I wouldn't want my ex hubby's teenaged gf around my children. Sorry.

[Gigabitch]

I don't think the judge is going to side with her. She's just freaking out. Give her some time to simmer down and get used to the idea.

While I think you should not be marrying a man twice your age (I'm sure you've heard it all before, so I'll spare you), you are technically an adult. Whatever her arguments are, she has to face that fact.

If my ex-husband had an eighteen year old fiancee, I'd worry about her parenting skills, but it would ultimately be his own business.

[mywhitehouse]

i knew him for a couple years...but nothing was going on. we officially started dating when i turned 18 and we recently got engaged.
he was divorced the whole time and no cheating took place, nothing illegal took place.
i understand the mom's concerns but im not a dumb kid either. i have taken care of kids before and ive been around kids. i dont drink, smoke, or do any drugs. and im still working on an eduacation.
she agreed on split custody. and to be honest, the kids are his too not just hers. i recently found out shes dating as well the boyfriend is moving in with her.
so as long as im not doing anything wrong, i think she is judging me strictly on age. she should give me a chance and get to know me and tell me her concerns.

[mywhitehouse]

i understand my parenting skills arent developed since i havent had kids myself and that im young. but her ex would still be the primary person in charge. i wouldnt change that.

[mywhitehouse]

and there are a lot of great 18 year old moms out there...the problem with most is that they have to face it alone.

[vashti]

Oh my god. Those poor, unfortunate kids. They are getting fcuked from every direction, aren't they?

[ecojeanne]

maybe she thinks you are too young to become her kids step mother. there are more step mothers murdering the kids than biological mothers...so as the biological mother she is likely worried what kind of person her ex is exposing her kids to. meeting you at family events doesn;t constitute knowing anything about you. stepmothers do invest less in children than biological mothers do, there also tends to be conflict between step mothers and the children in regard to competition for the affection of the husband/father. if i was in her position i'd be worried too for many different reasons

[Kayla]

I think you are entirely too young to be worrying about this. I am certain you have been told this over and over and I am also certain you are not going to change your mind. However- I am going to say it anyway. I know from experience that who you are at 18 is NOT who you are at 25 is NOT who you are at 30. (I am 33). The amount of change that goes on as far as who you are is tremendous between the ages of 20 and 30. (and I am assuming the same is true for 30 and 40).

Do not marry him! what is going to happen when you have kids with this man? How are his kids and his ex gonna handle that? Its going to make these current problems even worse- esp when (if) the ex mistreats your kid out of spite for you. Have you thought about this?

Date him if you want to but seriously reconsider the marriage.. give it till you are at least 25.

Anyway that being said- I am willing to bet you are going to marry him anyway. So as far as the ex and her bad behavior well.. there is nothing much you can do. You are just gonna have to deal with it and remember she is the mother and her concerns are very legitimate. Just be as nice as possible and respect the relationship between her and her kids (THEY are the only truly innocent ones here as they were the only ones that had no choice whatsoever in this matter). When the ex is pissing you off just remember- you signed up for this... you are the only one here who has the ability to completely walk away from this mess with no strings or ties permanently keeping you there.

[girl68]

You haven't even been dating a year and you're engaged? Errr... me thinks you should be dating a heck of a lot longer than months (I don't care how long you knew him... it's different than dating) before getting married.

[Kayla]

I was just thinking that I am 33, and the thought of dating someone who is 18 doesnt compute with me. I wouldnt even date someone who was 23... The difference in mentality and maturity is immeasurable. I really dont understand this.

OP- do you know what you are missing out on as far as being young, and enjoying this part of your life?

[mywhitehouse]

we are having a long engagment, it was like we were dating before we actually were we just couldnt because i was underage.
and im really not a big party person. i can still enjoy life after i get my degree.

[Kayla]

we are having a long engagment, it was like we were dating before we actually were we just couldnt because i was underage.
and im really not a big party person. i can still enjoy life after i get my degree.

No one said anything about going to parties. Your choices in life are not limited to being young and drunk or old and married.. there is a healthy, reasonable place in between that you are going to miss out on if you get marry into this situation.

Again I advice you to walk away from this bullshit. You are too young; you are wasting your youth worrying about problems that OTHER people created before you were even old enough to drive.

[Nimrod44]

At 18 you really don't know as much about life, love and responsibility as you think you do. There's certainly no need to rush into a marriage to anyone, let alone a divorced man of 34 with two children.

First of all the age gap is HUGE right now. It would be different if you were 38 and he 54. As you age and gain life experience the gap is less of a matter. You really do have a lot of life lessons ahead and should be enjoying your youth, dating several types of people and living the College experience. It's not the time to commit yourself to a man who should be focused on his young children.

Becoming a stepmom is a huge responsibility. You may have been around children (including his) before but putting their health, happiness, education and safety first is what should be done. That takes an unselfish maturity. Not all people older than you can handle that. Plus you will forever need to deal with his ex, like it or not. She is their mom. If I were her I'd be pissed as hell to think you may be mothering my children.

I really wonder why a man of 34 would want any gal your age. Is he reliving his (lost) youth with you? That's my suspicion. He will have his fun now like he should have at 20 and then get tired of it. That's what happens. Let that be a lesson to you. Have your fun NOW. Date around, explore the world, make other friends in your age group. You don't want to look back as a 30+ aged woman and think about what you may have missed .. and then go wild. That's ugly.