relationship with my ex - advice anyone?

[nrgtic]

i have been with my ex for the last 2 years. we have been through alot together as friends and lovers and only recently she decided to break it off with me because she "couldn't see a future with me". anyway, i know her love for me wont ever disappear but according to her there is something just not there anymore and now she cant see herself walking down the aisle/having kids with me when the time comes. we broke up a month and a half ago and havent spoken since last week.

last week she called and i got excited thinking that she called to say she was wrong about everything. instead, we done the whole we'll be friends thing and i thought it would be fine. i care for her very much and wanted to make sure she doesnt make the wrong decisions in life, as friends do so i decided it would be better to have her as a friend. well we went shopping this weekend, twice, and things were pretty much almost the same as when we were together. we spoke all day about our feelings and how we are meant to be friends, how we're both not ready to meet new people, etc but we walked around holding each others hands, hugging, complimenting each other, asking each other if we have been talking to any girls or boys, getting angry when i told her i saw my ex the night before at a club, etc...it clicked to me that yeh, i might have another chance at this since she is showing affection to me again. we love each other very much but she just doesnt want to be with me because of this whole thing about the future. if i knew what it was that made her think she doesnt have a future with me, i would fix it very quickly but i never will know so that is out of the question.

anyway, the next day she rang me up and i asked her what she had been up to. she said she went out with her girlfriend for coffee etc...i asked her if she had met anyone yet and she hesitated to tell me that yes, a guy spoke to her at the coffee shop and they exchanged numbers. feeling like i was going to get back with her, i got pretty agitated and brought up the fact that she told me a day before that she wasnt ready and suddenly now she's ready. i shouldnt be angry as i managed to sleep with 5 women in the last month but only because our breakup was pretty bad as i still dont understand the reason why she cant see a future with me and neither does she. she just says that something isnt right about it anymore. after alot of phone calls etc the breakup consisted of her saying she didnt want anything to do with me anymore. now she is saying that it shouldnt be any of my business anymore who she talks too, which it shouldn't, but we got very close to each other over the weekend and it brought up feelings that we both started to feel again. she apologised for us geting to close and said to me that this is it, we need to be friends and friends only, no more calling everyday and long conversations about everything. if anything our relationship now will be limited too how are you, how is your family, work, is everything ok? what are your plans for the weekend and thats about all. in a way, i feel as if it is my fault that i pushed her away from being as close to me as we were when we went shopping and because of that she feels like we shouldnt be close.

she told me she doesn't know for certain if our future is over for good because in a few days time she could wake up and realise that yes i can give her the future she wants but she also didnt want to tell me this because it would keep me hanging on to our past which it has. anyway right now she doesnt want to be with me because in her eyes there is no future. we booked tickets to go overseas together before we split and she will let me know if that is still on because obviously its not a very good idea to go together as it will bring up alot of feelings again. 2 weeks alone together in another country is most likely to bring us back together but that isnt what it should have to take. i do want to go on this holiday, because it is a very good chance to get her back, but dont want to go because i shouldnt have to manipulate our surroundings and situations just to get her back.

i dont know what to do now. should i tell her to leave me alone until she changes her mind about our future? let her go? try to convince her about staying close friends? accept the distant friends thing? there isnt an hour of the day that i dont think about her and consider calling or messaging her (thank god i dont call because it would be so annoying for anyone lol) and it makes my tummy turn just thinking about her and i would do anything to get her back, but dont know how to go about it...if anyone can make any suggestions as to what i should do, please let me know and i'd really really appreciate it.

[nrgtic]

wow i didnt notice how long that actually went for. hope someone has enough time on their hands to read it!

[snoz]

I'm afraid to say I'm in a similar situation and as often as I try to think I'm clear headed about things I'm just not. I also have feelings for my ex but I know I can move on. She doesn't have to tell me she has feelings for me but she obviously does.

We survived last time because we never kept in contact apart from the odd coffee here and there. I mean I never told her how jealous I was about her seeing a new man but she told me she was so jealous over the fact I brought a female friend along to have lunch at her work.

You're probably thinking should I convince her to come back or let this go? I'm probably going to regret letting her go but then I'm probably going to regret never giving it a shot. I sure think that but I also know as much as we have feelings for each other this kind of behaviour just isn't healthy.

I'm just going to let time pass again. Go out and do my own things for a while and stay in contact but as little as possible

[wilsongan]

Errr, I think bradwilk is very much advertising here? I really don't think this is appropriate.

[wilsongan]

Then just POST the entire thing you read here. No one will stop you. I am happy you're getting married. Honestly. But not when you advertise even the site on your signature.

POST the entire article up here, and I'll change my perception about this and say it isn't advertising and it's really just your pure excitement and your willingness to help. I'd respect you for that, I promise.

Congratulations by the way.

[blackzj52]

i went through something like this. cept 2 weeks after we broke up she started dating somebody else.
TWO ****ING WEEKS.
this was the beginning of august, and shes still with him..
yeah it still leaves me bitter.
i went about the wrong way of trying to get her back. i was depressed and i let her know. i wasnt going to deny the truth or play games.
cut of any and all contact with her. otherwise ull always just want more and ull be the one that ends up hurt in the end.
i believe that when people break up they shouldnt be friends (unless it was mutual and they both feel the exact same way and can let go of everything easily)

[miishoiiscool]

thats what happened to me. i broke it off with him because i didnt feel like it was going anywhere. it just got so weird for us after a while when we tried to be friends. soon after i decided that i was just going to cut all communications from him and just let him sort out his stuff.

[wilsongan]

Now my replies earlier suddenly looked funny because I was talking about a user called bradwilk who come in and suck on people's misery to earn some money. Now he's gone and his post is deleted, I sounded like I was cuckoo or something. I am NOT!

And yes nrgtic, your post is really long. Is that why your nick is nrgtic? As in energetic? It definitely suggest something about you of why your nick is so.

One thing I notice is that whenever people tell us here about their relationship problem, 90% of the time, they are not the problem. Advice are always asked in this way " The other person is giving me problem, what should I do ( to fix the problem for other person, or just fix the problem ).

Might sound confusing but just sit down and sip you tea a little and you'll get what I mean.

Make sure you aren't calling her persistently. Yes, it is annoying, I not only agree with you, I hope you are not doing so.

Why are you asking what to do, when you already tell us what you want to do? You want her BACK! It's so obvious in your posting. That is just what you wanted badly to do. You are seeking for some feedback here that's all. And I believe if either of us were to tell you `NO! Leave her immediately and not bug her ever'. You wouldn't just do what they say. You would still go ahead with what you want to do.

So, what do you still want to do? Chinese always say, there is no wrong or right in a relationship. By the way, why you sleeping with 5 women in the last month? You don't love this woman here. If you do, you'd feel bad and guilty for contaminating yourself with another woman. Unless you are not loving this woman. AHA!

What you're feeling now, is just a feeling of lost, the lost of two years of companionship. Not the lost of love. People in a disturb emotional state will never get to separate that.

The feeling of lost, emptiness makes you hallucinate like how alcohol makes you feel like you're bigger than you are sometimes.

But those were only my assumptions. Say, why not you do this. Give each other some time to miss each other.

You take a whole entire 2months off away from talking to her and make her do the same. See if you guys actually misses each other dearly in the manner that your heart really felt the warmth of each other's existance. But you might feel a squeeze in your heart, or can't stop thinking about her syndrome attacking you.

If it's the latter, you got to just re-evaluate the whole thing. It is most probably the temporary sudden emptiness, the lost of something that was always there. The heart needs time to accomodate to it. So? Give it time!

Decide later, when you are more rational. It doesn't seem like you are at the most rational mind right now.