brokeup last night

[therealjag]

Hey there,

I had a discussion with my gf last night about all the bad things that were going on in our relationship and decided to end it last night. She totally didnt want to end it and I'm still not sure to be honest if she has accepted it. I've not heard from her since last night but I dont know if its cos of choice or if she is just asleep or whatever.

I feel truly terrible and there is a large part of me that wants to be with her forever but the pain of staying together is just so difficult that I cant handle it alot of the times. My family dont want us to be together and I have too much respect and love for my family that I have been torn in the middle for the past 8 months - which is why it has been so difficult. I realy hate my family for not accepting it and sometimes makes me wish i should just cut ties with them - but I guess I knew from the outset that it would be too dificult if things got serious with her and I guess I was right on that account.

I really dont know what I was expecting from our relationship...maybe some day that my famly would magically accept her and we could live happily ever after, i really dont know. The other thing is that being with her has meant I have completely ignored all my friends and family too - I've not even been allowed to go out clubbing or drinking with my mates cos im with her which I guess has made me feel resentment towards her - but i still deeply love and care for her so much.

I dont really know why I'm posting this...it just feels like no matter what people say its still me that has to deal with it and get on with things but I do appreciate other peoples insights and experiences of past relationships.

I so wish my parents accepted my gf, and that my mates accepted her too so that we could all be happy and I wouldnt be torn in the middle but I've come to the conclusion that she'l never be accepted due to the religion thing and although I'd never regret the happy times we spent together - i kind of regret meeting her in a way cos of all the heartache that has occured by being with her.

I doubt this will be the end of it and tbh i think the only way it will truly end is if I just cut ties and change my number or something....oh well its like they say "its better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all"...although now i seriously think that is a loada bull!

Thanks for listen to my rant - if you could be bothered reading it all!

[Gigabitch]

Sounds like you did the right thing. I know it's hard, but it needed to be done.

[therealjag]

Hey there,

Thanks for the words..I feel so guilty man...I just changed all my mail passwords there so thats that step done. I also removed her as my other half on bebo and that was so painful man! especially with all of our photo's on her profile its just hard man - i wish this pain would go away....

I dont really know who to talk to about it cos my mum and dad dont want to know and my bro's are just normal bro's so theyre kinda insensitive man its so painful but i know in the long run it will be ok...i just dont think she will be ok though and thats what makes it so tough. man i hate hurting her and i know shes hurting so badly right now..

[cmacattack1]

You had the gut feeling and you knew that things weren't working right now and it would be foolish to believe that getting back together or second guessing yourself right now because of how lonely and scared you are would bring you guys the "Happily Ever After" ending. Some time apart is good for both of you to take a good look at yourselves and maybe institute some changes that you need. It's scary to think that you might not be together again and the odds are against the two of you. Sometimes when something is broken, it will never quite be the same again. The only thing you can do is see what happens in the future. I think a split right now is necessary though.

And don't blame her for not going out or hanging enough with your friends. You chose to hang out with her, or if you didn't really want to and were just doing it for her, you were being dishonest about your feelings. When we get involved with somebody, our time with friends and other areas of our life suffer. It all depends on what is important to you. If hanging with your buddies is more important, by all means then do that. You are entirely responsible for balancing your time and keeping the people that are important to you in your life.

[therealjag]

Hey yeah I see what you're saying macattack, i guess it was down to me about who i was spending time with. Man its only been a couple of days and I already miss her so so much. I knows shes completely destroyed by the breakup...she keeps trying to phone me and she texts me all the time. She said she cant sleep properly, hasnt even ate in the last 3 days and keeps smoking so much that her lungs are sore. She keeps saying that she wants to commit suicide and even the other day she actually came to my house and then tried to kill herself by running infont of a car...

I feel so guilty man but I just miss her so much. I want to cuddle her and hold her in my arms and tell her everything will be ok and that we can spend the rest of our lives together but I know cos of the family situation that cant happen. I've been thinking that maybe we could be together but just hide the relationship from everyone but tbh Im not sure if that would work...it sounds ridiculous when I think about it but I still love her so much and I have this empty painful feeling inside my heart...

[therealjag]

Hey again,

I was just looking for some advice on what to do because last night she texted me saying she cant handle the pain anymore and that she wants to just end her pain. I ended up going to bed because I have to work today but since that text she hasnt texted me anything? No missed calls or nothing. I texted her mum and her cousin last night just to warn them about what she said but they havent replied either. I then tried texting her today just to say at least let me have a months break so I can know once and for all if I am able to salvage our relationship and make things work but no reply. I then asked if I could call her and still no reply....

I'm worried sick, I cant even concentrate at work cos I'm dreading it if anything has happended to her...

[cmacattack1]

She might be finally realizing that what she was doing was just pushing you away. I mean, all she was doing was complaining about her, what she is going through. Did she even ask how you were doing? I am shocked and amazed at how unbelievably common it is to pull this kind of behavior. And to think that if you did it, everything would be much better of fixed in the end when it wouldn't be. Relationships don't begin on crying, begging, and complaining, why would they make things better for you now?

No contact can be really powerful when it goes from constant attention to absolutely none at all. It can cause a bit of a shock, especially when you all you do is think about her. She needs this space on her own, as do you. It's not your responsibility to make sure she is okay when you decided to take her out of your life. It seems cold but you have to do it for the both of you. I hope you understand this.

Don't be afraid. Everything is going to work out okay whether it's with her or somebody else...

[therealjag]

Hey yeah wow I can see that now....

The other night when I ended it, she actualy came over to my house to try and plead with me to get back with her. Lets just say things got a bit messy but now shes really intent of ending her own life.

She hasnt eaten for the past 3/4 days and to make matters even worse is that the reason she wasnt cntacting me last night was cos she was hospitalized. Turns out she was actually pregnant and ended up having a miscarriage. She now blames me and herself for killing her baby and is calling herself a murderer. She said this is another reason not to live anymore and I'm seriously stuck now. I dont know whether to just let her friends and family help her through it but I feel as tho I should be there for her cos I feel responsible too for making her have a miscarriage cos of the stress I put her under by ending it.

I dont know...after reading your email it makes me think I shouldn't be there for her and its her own fault for putting herself through this which I can agree with. But at the same time she is just so selfish and shes always been that way ever since I've known her which has always annoyed me about her. She never cares about what other people say and want, she never cares about her mum either who I've met a few times and talked to on the phone last night. Her mum cares about her so much and is worried to death but she just doesnt care and always turns a blind eye cos she just cares about her own pain.

I guess the question I'm asking now is, should I be there for her and help her through this dificult time or just let her friends and family help her?

ALso about the miscarriage, the baby wasnt planned in the first place, and I know with all the problems we'd been having anyway that it would be unfair to raise a baby this way. I genuinly do believe it was a bit of divine intervention or something cos it would'nt be right to raise a baby in this manner.

Cheers for listening people and thanks for all the advice so far - really truly appreciate it.

[cmacattack1]

Well the pregnancy thing really stirred things up, it just kicked it up a notch didn't it. It could be very well an explanation for her emotional tirade and even if she wasn't I wouldn't be too shocked by her behavior. Keep in mind that she may not even realize what she is doing is not working and understand that she doesn't know better, even though it's extremely selfish to project all these feelings onto you when you break up.

I honestly don't know what to say or do in this situation. I can't imagine the toll it has on somebody to go through a miscarriage. You've already done considerably damage with the breaking up part, which is necessary, and to go back on that would be to go back on your word and belief and most likely nothing would really change. And if you aren't there at all, she is going to most likely need some serious recovery time in which she is going to more than likely cut you out of her life for good seeing as how you aren't there when she needs it.

Is it possible to be there for her as just a friend? If so, would that do more harm than help? For the both of you? I can't realistically see a happy ending out of this...