Advice on getting her back...

[shawn4885]

I am a 26 year old male. I have been seeing my (now ex) girlfriend for close to 5 years... she is my same age. We met in college and have been together since. When we met, we liked to party a lot together. I have continued to party (meaning mainly drinking with friends at bars) after getting a job, but she has slowed down with that kind of stuff a lot.

She moved in with me at the very end of August (very recently). Everything seemed to be going fine, although she was nervous about the move in. I tell her that everything will be fine, but there will be an adjustment period, and everyone gets cold feet about large changes like this. Then 2 weeks ago, I had to go out of town for business, leaving on a Saturday. She calls me when I am away and tells me that she wants a break, and that we shouldn't talk for a week... she needs some time to think about things (probably triggered by the move in). She knows that I come back on that Wednesday, so she stays with a friend for the rest of the week (after that Wednesday). This past Saturday night, she texts me "I miss you" at like 2am, so I think things are going to be fine, but I don't text back since I am still sort of hurt by her instilling this break. The next morning she texts "I shouldn't have sent that, I'm sorry", but I think that she just said this since we are on a break. The next time we talk is this past Monday. She comes back over to my place and ends it. She says that she feels like we are different people now and have drifted apart. Mentions in passing that I like to party a lot and has tried to put effort into partying more, but she is just not that person anymore. She is also going through a very rough time at work, and is currently not speaking with her best friend because of a stupid fight they had a few weeks ago. She says that she just wants to be alone to figure her life out... and that she doesn't want to focus on others right now... she wants to focus on herself and that she thinks it is too late to fix things between us. This was the last time I talked to her.

I did not see this coming at all. I did not know the severity of her feelings in this. Had I known, I would have tried to fix things much sooner. After 4.5 years, we became very "comfortable" with each other, and there was less romance/excitement involved (which is my fault) and I thought she would always be there. If she sat me down and told me how unhappy she is, I would have definitely taken drastic measures to try to fix things... I don't think I was given a fair chance. I don't have to party as much, and this has been a wake up call to me that I've been neglecting the relationship. I now know that I should have always been putting in a lot more effort to make her happy... I just didn't get the luxury of knowing this before she broke it off.

I feel like calling/texting every second, but I know that I need to give her space. I have to get her back though... she was the most important thing in my life and I want to marry her. I just need to know what the best course of action is to convince her to give me a 2nd chance. Should I tell her how much I have realized this past week? I am willing to do anything to fix this.

Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks!

[surfhb]

Well I find it hard to believe she never gave you any signs. People just dont live in a happy, healthy relationship for 5 years and one day decide to end it....Right? I mean...think about it.

There's nothing you can do....she made up her mind. All you can do is tell her how you feel then give her no contact

[stripydan]

Give her the space she wants... but if you find her playing any selfish games or leading you on then don't be a doormat. Tell her you won't settle for a half assed relationship and break up. Be the man and take action, don't wait around and tell her you'll always be there. Use No Contact (or Limited Contact at least) in the meantime so you can settle down the pain and focus on yourself.

Maybe she's been having doubts about your relationship for a while but chose not to say anything.. that's often the case. Or maybe she's afraid of commitment? Also very common. Either way, you shouldn't analyze it too much or you'll just be damaging yourself. Let her have some time to be on her own, leave her enough room to think it through. Don't respond to all her contact - give her the feeling that if she is willing to walk away then it's her loss.

...I hate the word 'space', the word makes me want to slap the person with a wet fish. It's like putting a blanket over a deep relationship issue, while having one foot out of the door so it's left unresolved. It's similar to putting sugar on top of a pile of shit. Try to make sure you let her know that you recognise a 'problem' exists or else she wouldn't need space and tell her that you'll both have to talk about whatever that is eventually. But also listen to her words carefully. Be prepared for the worst but hope for the best.

[smackie9]

Maybe she was expecting more from you. Maybe she wants someone who will be more serious about moving forward in life and changing priorities, like marriage, children and a house. She might be thinking she needs these things before she is 30. She is in a panic. Talk to her on these issues, and see what she says about it.....then you will know what direction to take with this relationship.

[stripydan]

smackie9 is right, or maybe she feels the opposite to that and she's too young to get a house..try to find a way in but don't get too much in her hair about it. I don't want to worry you, but sometimes when a girl wants space it's because there's someone else in the picture too and they can't decide on which person they want. Don't panic or you'll definitely lose her - don't question anything she's doing no matter what you feel. Remember - you've got a big history with this girl and your advantage over someone else is that you'll be extremely hard to live up to. Make sure you just focus on yourself right now.