avoid meeting my friends when she's there also?

[dan123]

Hi everyone,
You helped me alot in my previous thread, I suddenly find Internet forums really usefull,
so here's another issue bothering me in the last few days.

There's this girl, I know for about 5 years, I met her on a trip abroad.
We then discovered that we're about to study together in the same university, the exact same degree.
we remained friends the entire time (just friends), and we hang out with the same people.

about 3 years after I met her (2 years ago), I suddenly realized that I want her.
I started hanging out with her more and more, hoping something would happen, but nothing did..so I had no choich and I had to talk with her directly about this.
She said no (although, I once asked one of our common friends to talk with her about me, and she said to her something like she has to think about it, so I really think that this could have worked).
Anyhow,this all time, both of us were the only ones single, from all of our group of friends. some of our friends really thought that we 2 belong together.
a few days ago, I found out that she has a boyfriend. I now realize that I didnt really got over her.
Of course, there's nothing I can do about that, besides trying being happy for her (although I cant).

The other problem, which is why Im telling this long long story is,
what to do when all of us meet (all of my university friends) ?
she's going to be there...with him.
And I really cant see myself being there an entire evening having to see them together, that would be too painful.
my other option, is just to not come, but thats doesnt make sense either not to meet my friends anymore just because I dont want to see her and her BF.

So do you think I should avoid meeting these friends for now, hopfully she'll break out with him in the mean time soon, or until I find a GF for me, who would make the feelings I have for the other girl gone?
Or should I go and meet everyone as always, as painful as it would be?

I didn't meant it to be such a long post,
Thanks for everyone who read all of this.

Any ideas?

[smackie9]

Dude ya got to buck it up. Nothing happened between you two why are you making a big deal out of this? If you were that passionate about being with her you would have grown some balls and told her you were very interested in dating her or at least had made a move....but you didn't. SO lets be adults here meet the nice fellow she is dating, give her a friendly hug....and enjoy the evening with your friends,

[smackie9]

BTW Catalonia looks like a beautiful place to live

[Sunnybeach7]

It's a really rough situation you are in. I can understand how painful that would be for you. All I can say is, why don't you go once, and see how it feels for you? Keep busy talking to your other friends. You can always leave early and not go back for a while if you have to.

Maybe also make more friends than just that one group? Then you will have other opportunities to meet with people.

[Klim]

I gotta say, just go whenever you're all meeting next. There wasn't anything that happened between you two, so why make a fuss over it? She is in a relationship. Good! Be happy for her! You are not in a relationship (so we think). Okay, you'll find another person like or better than her eventually.

Also, you say it'd be painful going somewhere with her, her significant other, and her friends. Maybe. Maybe. It'd be more painful if she'd broken up with you for that other guy.

One last thing: if she and that dude break up and you're involved with her next, you know she won't walk out on for someone else, because she didn't walk out on someone else for you.

Hmm... Did that make any sense? I'll see if I can rephrase this.

[dan123]

smackie9 - I did do something about it, but none of this worked. when we were studying together, I once tried bringing a bottle of wine for our dinner, in an other time I tried talking her out to dinner, but none of that work, I guess she'd just looked at me as her friend, and nothing more. after those things didnt work, I eventually grew the balls needed, and told her how I feel. she refused, saying "what would happen if it wont work between us".

Sunnybeach7 - I have other friends. I just dont want to loose those, because not being able to meet them when she's around also.

Klim - thats a big maybe. there's other lots of maybe's I keep asking myself (maybe if I would have done things different we would have been together today).

anyway, a day after I've found out about this I did meet them both, we were on a party together. so I just stayed away from them, trying not to look so I wont see them doing stuff i dont want to see, and I hanged out with some other friends at the other side of the party.
but this time, we're all supposed to meet for a dinner, so I'll have to seat at the same table with them, and see them all evening.

But maybe you're right. I have to try this once, and then see how I feel about it.

[Sunnybeach7]

Dan, what did you say when she asked what would happen if it didn't work between you? Maybe she is afraid of losing the friendship, so perusing a relationship with you is scary for her?

These are things you should have talked about at the time. I'm not getting a clear picture of how she feels about you, as it seems you didn't ask enough or the right questions.
Anyway, while she is seeing this guy... I think you get opportunity to talk to her alone, just tell her how painful it is for you and that due to that you may not talk to her as much when you see her with him. She knows how you feel about her, so she should understand that.

[smackie9]

OK so that was very crucial info that you left out there dude. You should never ever invest such strong feelings for anyone unless you are emotionally and physically involved with them in a dating type relationship. That was your biggest mistake. That kind of thing will lessen your chances to win over a girl. They sense that kind of thing and it's like bug repellent. She knew what your advances were about, but girls don't come out and slam it hard to you that they are not interested....she may very well have made hints, and felt if she said no you would leave her alone. BUT you were so caught up in your own desire for her you refused to acknowledge her lack of interest. This pain you feel is totally unnecessary......you never had a relationship with her, you were just friends and that was it. You made it into something that is was not. So this deal you have with her is your own fault, and you should just be a man and buck it up. She doesn't deserve to be ignored, whatever happened with you was not her fault. You brought this upon yourself. Like I said, greet her, shake hands with her BF and focus on spending time with your other friends. Stop being a baby about it. So there you go...there's your kick to the nuts.

[smackie9]

Dan, what did you say when she asked what would happen if it didn't work between you? Maybe she is afraid of losing the friendship, so perusing a relationship with you is scary for her?

These are things you should have talked about at the time. I'm not getting a clear picture of how she feels about you, as it seems you didn't ask enough or the right questions.
Anyway, while she is seeing this guy... I think you get opportunity to talk to her alone, just tell her how painful it is for you and that due to that you may not talk to her as much when you see her with him. She knows how you feel about her, so she should understand that.

Oh bad idea. That will not make the situation better. I've been in her shoes a few times and it just makes things real awkward....it will make her feel very uncomfortable and she will for sure keep her distance. Find closure another way.

[dan123]

sunnybeach7 - again that was 2 years ago when we discussed it,but I was trying to convince her that it is possible for us to be together, and the fact that maybe things wont work out, isnt a good reason enough for not trying. but that didn't help, I guess I should have (at the time), to keep asking her again at the day after, and the day after and day after, because Im almost sure she was just to afraid to try..

and I have to agree with smackie9 regarding to talking to her again about this.
If there's a lesson that I learned from this all story, is that when I come to a girl and tell her how much I want her (in a desperate way), then that would just be a turnoff for her.
So I dont think repeating this mistake again and tell her again how I feel, is a good idea.
besides, as i said before, that was 2 years ago, so Im not sure that she knows I still have these feelings for her, or does she? she may have understood that from my body language (although I try to hide it as much as I can, and act as business as usual).

In the meantime, I used many people's advice, and started dating other girl, we dated once, and it have totally made me feel better, and I even forget about this all thiing for a few hours. but then, yesterday, I've been at a party, where I knew that she's (the girl that I want, not the date) supposed to come also, and with her BF. but I've decided to stay, shake his hand, and be an adult. eventually, she arrived alone (she said, not to me, that he'll join her later). so we even had some time to talk, just the two of us, and I started thinking, maybe I could really handle seeing the two of them together. but then, when someone asked her why didn't she bring her BF, and an hour later, when her BF called to say he's coming and I had to hear them talking, I felt like going 10 steps backwards from that date I had that made be feel better. I went home shortly afterwards, without meeting the BF.It just made me again feel, angry, bitter, and most of all sad, than ever before.
So the conclusion is, Im probably not ready to see them together, at least not until I'll have a steady relationship of my own which would make me forget about this all thing.

So I think the biggest lesson is, just as smackie9 said, that I shouldnt allow myself develop such feelings, to a girl im not even in a relationship with.

[Horseyguy]

Just go have fun and don't let it bother you

Enjoy yourself, smile, be confident.

Girls like guys that have strength and confidence

If you go and just enjoy yourself you never know, she may see you in a new light or you may find someone else will find you interesting

[smackie9]

Basically what everyone is saying is to be a good sport about it and show up ....you win some you lose some. C’est la vie