Should I stay or should I go?

[Mathias]

So Amanda has been pretty awesome since I met her about 4 months ago. She's very into me, and things have been going very well, save for the last week.

We're watching TV after consummating Valentine's Day, and a hot girl walks into the scene, and I didn't stop myself, and make a comment. Nothing too bad, just acknowledging that she's not ugly.

She doesn't talk to me for about an hour. I don't really even remember saying it by this point, but you know when something's wrong, and you know when it's your fault. I ask about it, she flatly denies anything's wrong.

I say #### it. Next day, we go out, and she's fine for the first couple of hours. Joking, laughing, OK...we're over it. Now, I tease her all the time, and I said something at the concert we were at. Boom, she distances herself again for the rest of the night.

Finally, in bed that night, I finally get out of her that her ex used to be really mean to her, and make comments about other women all the time. Then, out of nowhere, the next morning she explains that she wanted to write a sappy note in her card to me for Valentine's Day, but she didn't want to because the same ex forwarded her e-mails back to her after they broke up, saying "I guess this wasn't true after all".

My biggest problem with this girl is that she's 100% into it at some times, and then completely ambivalent and distant at other times. I don't care about the stupid V-Day message, and I don't care that she's sensitive, but I do care that she can't decide whether I'm her ex-boyfriend or not, and she can't decide whether to actually go for this or not.

I don't feel like having an ultra-serious conversation 4 months into a relationship, so I'm pretty tempted to get out now. Am I making the right decision?

[vashti]

No. It seems soon, and I think you have a history of looking for a quick way out. I don't think her reaction to your making comments about another girl was at all unusual. What did you say at the concert that made her withdraw from you? Sometimes males "joke" about things in a way that can be construed as cruel.

_____________

[misombra]

you should be slapped for commenting on another girls looks in front of your girlfriend. don't you know that's no no number one? when she's around she's supposed to be the prettiest girl ever. when you're with your friends then you can gauk.

[bluesummer]

Yeah, you should probably just watch what you say, especially given that her ex bf was sudh a dickwad and haas obviously scarred her emotionally somehow. Don't just drop her like a hot potato for a couple incidents. They don't seem like something fatal to the relationship, so long as you can mind your mouth.

However, one thing to watch. I find women that get too emotional about these sorts of things have really big insecurity problems. Which is conquerable....a lot of times if you make them feel special, that insecurity goes away. But if it doesn't go away or gets worse, you might want to watch it. She also needs to realize that you are NOT her ex bf and she shouldn't be comparing the two of you, regardless of her previous circumstances. That just sounds to me like she didn't take enough time to get her head sorted before she jumped into a new relationship.

Best of luck.

[squirrley]

New relationships come with all kinds of things, especially new at and getting to know one another, you dont know whats what. I was with someone who always commented on other women, of course it hurt me because I felt like dog meat compared to these women. But eventually I outgrew that and realized ok men are just visual and some cant help themselves. Ive become secure within myself that even when my now hubby says stuff, I KNOW he's joking.

I wouldnt like treading on thin ice in a new relationship, thats not fun, you want your relationship to fun and exciting and not have to watch everything you say or do in fear of...however, in new relationships I think you just proceed with caution. Be a little more sensitive maybe. The not knowing until you know, sucks. But have fun. She just sounds like she's insecure right now and obviously hasnt let go of some baggage yet. I wouldnt think a serious convo is required yet, you've gotten the red flag of what she doesnt like. Focus on what she does like!

[Mish]

It's definetly something to watch out for. First she distanced herself from you for an hour then for the rest of the night, how long will she distance herself from you next time you do something silly which you didn't really mean?

I wouldn't say it's time to run, but if this does bother you maybe it's time to have a talk to put things into perspective. Find out what from you bothers her, exaplain things she does that bother you. Reach some sort of a middle ground. If you don't do this you will live in seperate realities which will wither apart.

[bloodtippedrose]

I dont mind when guys say something about other girls as long as they remember to turn it back around to me to redeem themselves. "damn shes hot.. but not as hot and sexy as you are.. " blah blah. EVEN if I say said girl is a smokin hottie first.

I think it is messed up about the girl distancing herself and not admitting somethings wrong when something clearly is. If you two cannot communicate then its not going to work. Tell her you cant fix the situation or avoid doing it in the future is she cant say what it is bothering her. Guilting her into spilling like that is the easiest way to get it out of her. when i got that way and shut myself off from speaking, my old boyfriend made a promise that he would never get mad no matter what I told him then he would follow threw, just holding me and talking calmly about it making me feel so so so much better.
So when you see she shut herself off stop what youre doing, watching tv or whatever, dont ignore it cuz it just gets worse, take her to a private area and force her to spill whats making her upset. If she has jealously issues ALL the time ditch the broad ;P

[vashti]

I think her clamming up has to do with the fact that you haven't been seeing her all THAT long. It is understandable (at least, to me) that she is a bit hesitant to start placing demands on your behavior so soon. She probably isn't all that sure of how you will react.

[Gigabitch]

These are both behavior problems that can be easily managed if you are willing to try. Her tendency to go Arctic on you is just a level 1 problem, as is your tendency to put your foot in your mouth, and both are very typical of their respective gender-of-origin.

I think you should stop poking at her like she's one of your buddies (we chicks want our man to protect us, not attack us), and she should realize that cutting you off doesn't get either one of you what you want. If you calmly discuss this with her now, and downplay the importance, just call it "bad habits we have" and don't threaten the relationship, it might just go away.

If you do threaten the relationship, it will become another fight entirely. It won't be about wounded silences and nut-scratching comments. It will be about trust. Don't **** with the trust. Don't threaten to walk until you actually walk- it's incredibly damaging.

Girls are variable, Matthias. If you want to date them, you have to accept it. She's very unlikely to be in the same mood she was in three hours ago, ever. She needs to accept that guys say dumb shit pretty regularly. I'd have to say that commenting on the attractiveness of another female without immediately following up with a compliment to her was dumb, and you probably won't do it again without consideration because you're just not an idiot.

Whether she can change her emotional porcupine thing remains to be seen.