Advice on getting mom to leave dad

[biochemist]

Hi, I just wanted some advice on convincing my mom to leave my dad. Well here's the background:

My mom and dad have been married for 24 years now, but were together for 26 years. He's muslim but my mom is Christian. Despite having a relationship being forbidden in his religion. My mom got pregnant and he forced her to get an abortion because he was not allowed to have children out of wedlock. So she did. Then when she fell pregnant with me, she said she will not have an abortion this time and she will raise me alone if she has to but then he said that they will get married.Since I was about 4 years old I can remember fights regarding him cheating on her. Then when I was around 9, he started sexually abusing me. I didnt tell my mom about it, I didnt know how to then. He then cheated on her again a few years later and one more time about a year after that. My abuse continued during this whole time. When I was in high school, I had a very good group of friends that allowed me to talk about dad and one of them, told me to go to University with her to the UK. They gave me the courage to stop him and confront him. So I did, I was about 17 at this time. He somehow blamed me, saying I led him on. He did nto stop after that but it did got less. I told him about my plans to go to the UK for education and he refused. But I forced it. We fought continuously for months but I was not winning. I then thought I will tell mom about waht he did. At least then we dont have to live with him. So one day I did. and she was very angry that night, to my dad, but she didnt confront him or anything. She didnt ask me anything about it or if it was ok, she just ignored it I think. Maybe thats just easier for her, I dont know. Anyway, I fought with him till the point that he said he was just going to leave us because I am so disrespectful. He didnt though, and he just agreed after that. So, I then went to London for my BSc degree, for which he paid. Around this time he started cheating on my mom again, but my mom just pretended like nothings going on, she knew it, I knew it. we talked about it. but she just doesnt want to do anything about it. She keeps saying she will feel guilty. She then told me, this is fine but if he marries again, then its over. Everytime I come back for the summer, I am not allowed to meet friends or even talk to them on the phone. My mom would just say listen to him because he is paying my fees. So I did. I swallowed all pride and shut up.

Before my last year of Uni he said he's going to marry that other girl (4 years older than me by the way) and he did. but my mom stayed. she said thats fine I just dont want to ever see her. So mom would fight if he says he wants his other wife to come stay in our house. thats the only time she ever fought for herself. But thats as far as she goes. They sleep in separate rooms, they do not talk unless its work related (they work together), he doesnt treat her like a wife at all, and sometimes just drops insults at her for no reason. Last month, he asked again for his wife to come over and mom said no, and he got into a full blown fight with her and said he was leaving now. Even to me, over skype, he has had that I am dead to him and everything because I dont ever listen to him.

I then had to go back home cuz my course is over and considering how it ended, I didnt think he will pick me from the airport. but he did, and i found out later it was because of what other people would think if he didnt pick me up. Now that my course is over, technically, we no longer have to listen as he is no longer paying my fees. I told my mom I'm going to my friends for a party tomorrow and she is still saying do you have to go , theres no need to. and I ask her, if dad wasnt here, do you have any problems with me going, and she said no. She's still thinking that he will get angry and things. So what if he does? he never thought about us. Why should we? He will just say things and thats it, then he'll pretend like nothings happened and ignore us. I'm just tired of all this tension and fakery in our house. Mom is still telling me to just listen to him, but why? after all he's done to us! I just want to meet with friends, I am not doing anything illegal!

I feel like if I do whatever I want, it will hurt my mom and I dont want to do that. I dont want her to keep thinking that dad will get irritated if i do this or whatever. I want her to leave him. The way we are living is absurd. Theres all this tension in the air. Everytime I bring up the topic of dad and what I hate about the situation, she just says, you are the daughter, deal with it. I am tired of dealing with it. It seems like my fees was just an excuse not leave him. And he just wont leave us. I dont know why, everyone is clearly unhappy. Any advice would be great. My apologies if this was too long. Id be happy to provide any more information. Thanks guys.

[searock]

How old are you? Sounds like you are old enough to make your own decisions. Now that you've got your degree, how about looking for a job that will allow you to support yourself and move out - perhaps even move to the UK? I'm sorry for your mother, but it's *her* choice whether to leave or stay with a man who "isn't allowed" to have children outside wedlock, but "is allowed" to force her to have an abortion, to repeatedly cheat on her and to molest her son.

[biochemist]

turning 23 next week. and im their daughter. It is all a crappy situation. She won't stop listening to what he says! He never listens to her.

[Wakeup]

Please get therapy to help you to come to terms with the abuse and to help with your sense of self-worth. Your mother has made her choice and you won't be able to convince her to leave. Shit if she wouldn't leave him after he abused you, then she has far more problems then being concerned about where she lives and with whom.

If you are for real then.. I agree with Searock. You've got your degree now get yourself a job and the therapy you need to help you be the best you that you can be. If you make enough money, perhaps your apathetic mother will come live with you if she knows she'll be looked after (yet again).

[searock]

Sorry, I figured you were a guy for some reason. Anyway, son or daughter makes no difference.

What is preventing you from looking for a job and making plans to move out?

[sadie_genie]

Get therapy and gain financial independence. Also, go find out if you are able to obtain evidence to put him in jail for sexually abusing you.

Btw, you can't control what your mom does. Just focus on yourself.

[smackie9]

Sadly whatever is going on with your parents relationship is not your responsibility. Stop trying to be the parent, you have your own life to worry about. You already spoke to her about it, and that's all you can do. As long as you live under his roof you have to live by his rules. It's time to get a job somewhere hopefully out of the country and away from him.

[biochemist]

Thanks guys. I am looking for a job now. Still havent found anything. But that is the best way to go. Thanks for the advice guys.

[babypink]

Wow. What country do you live in? Could you press charges against him? That would be one way to get your mother away from him, kill 2 birds with one stone, so to speak. What he did to you is just uncomprehendable - what kind of a man could do that to his own daughter. It is beyond outrageous. You need to think of yourself and you need to go. Try speaking to your mother again, but if she wont' go, she wont' go. You MUST go. I somehow think you mother has lost all confidence and who she is really and if she wouldn't leave after finding out what he did to you and him remarrying, I'm sorry to say but I don't think she will ever leave.

The best thing you can do is go though so you don't end up loosing more confidence, like your mum and getting stuck there for her. She should have left for you. You should not be staying for her. It's the worst place you could be. You are the victim in all of this. You can try and help your mum, talk to her but you can't force her.

I am sure you will do well and blossom once you've gone. Thank goodness you got the degree paid for by him, something to set you up with a good future. Best of luck