different sex drives interacting with confidence issues.

[kmr]

Hi all,
First and foremost - I am a senior in college (21) and my boyfriend just graduated this past spring (he's 24) just so you know how to judge this. He basically lives with me. After graduating he moved back to his hometown (where I go to college) and has not gotten his own place because he hasn't found a secure enough job to pay for one. I am totally fine with him living with me until he can get on his feet. He will pay for groceries every other month or two months or so.

We have been together over 8 months. We definitely fell in love quickly with each other and everything seemed so surreal and so great, too good to be true, etc. I know this isn't too long, but lately I have been feeling like I want sex too much that it is becoming a burden. I went back on the first birth control I ever took because the one I was on was decreasing my sex drive horribly (as well as physical decrease in helpful, ahem, stimulating fluids) and I remembered this one definitely didn't effect my sex drive (Ortho tri-cyclen lo). I recently have decided to go seek professional help this past week to help my depression/bi-polar/mood swings or whatever it is (no exact diagnosis, just guesses). My boyfriend is so wonderful in so many ways, but of course, his sex drive is not as high as mine is. I understand as people get older sex drive decreases and that every couple will have different drives, but this has become a problem that has greatly pushed my already fragile and low confidence to an extreme. We have had a couple rough moments recently, but all in all, they are something he says doesn't bother him to the point where it changes his feelings or makes him not want to be with me. (I am someone who strongly asks for truth in a relationship, no matter what, and he is the same). I write him letters/emails all the time telling him how much I appreciate him/love him. I am a very affectionate person and I would say in comparison to my past relationships he is also. He says he will help support me through this tough time of whatever I am going through and he has no problem doing so, but it seems that he may not know how to.
Last week was our anniversary and we decided to celebrate with a nice dinner and cozy movie night. I got dressed up, hoping to wow him in a black tight dress, was flirty and initiated at spontaneous moments(while cooking) and other un-spontaneous moments (in between dinner and movie). I tried to get the timing right, but it seems each time it's always a response like "ooo yea (being flirty back) i can't wait for later". He suggests as if we will do it later. So I wait until later then it's "we're in the middle of a movie, but when we go to bed don't worry i'll (insert sexy talk here)". Then later it's "I'm just so tired" and he gets frustrated with me. It's just becoming to the point where I feel like I have no real "wow" effect on him anymore. He says/calls me gorgeous pretty frequently, but I feel that I can never seduce him and that it's always me initiating. I always have to wait until he finally wants it. Some people say I should make him wait, but A) this is hard when you have a pretty constant sex drive, like being a diabetic and having a monthly walk through baskin robins. and B) after being turned down it's hard to turn down the few chances you have. Our sex is always pretty amazing. It's very hard for me to cum (and always has been), but I still have an amazing time and he cums about 95% of the time. I know he isn't cheating, because he just is not that kind of man in relationships.

My question is what is wrong here? Tonight this situation happened, yet again. "let's wait til later" - later rolls around and it's "i'm tired". I can take some turn downs, it's pretty normal, but I just feel time after time, especially when I try so hard (not in an unattractive way) I just fail at seducing him.

I told him tonight how I feel that it's really effecting my confidence (I made sure to talk to him in a non-"point the finger" talk and chose my words very very carefully!). He said that he is just exhausted, etc, etc and i need to stop freaking out. Then get's frustrated with me when I start to cry and I will tell him I am just asking for his comfort and support right then. and he gets mad and sighs, rolls over, stays silent, and eventually falls asleep. He will probably try to act like nothing happened tomorrow.

Lastly let me say that I am constantly telling him that I know I cause a lot of stress in the relationship and how I will try my hardest to get better through this new treatment. To be blunt, I take about 85% of the blame of our "bad" in the relationship (which is not all the time - just more frequent as of recently). And I will admit a lot of it is to blame on me, but is it wrong for me to feel he should not be a little more supportive in these areas?

I hope I didn't make him sound too bad. He is a very sweet caring and pretty patient guy - I guess there are these moments where his response is really hurtful.

Do you think I should go back to a birth control that suppresses my sex drive so that I won't have this problem as much? I thought about this seriously. The only thing that feels wrong is that I have to suppress something natural like sexuality as IF it is a bad thing, but at this point it is I suppose.

[SS Gal]

Is it possible that he just has a lower sex drive than you and/or truly is exhausted? Does he have a new job that is stressful? I can understand your frustration, but try to see things from his point of view also. From what you've said, I don't think he is intentionally trying to be unsupportive of you, he just doesn't understand where you are coming from. Maybe you could try having a heart to heart talk about each of your needs and then work out something that makes both of you happy. From the sound of it, he doesn't want you to be unhappy, so I'd definitely consider the communication route over the medication route first.

[Disillusioned]

Some guys (like me) are convinced, despite knowing we're wrong, that women don't enjoy sex. It's not enough to know you're wrong, if you're being honest with yourself about how deep the impression is ingrained. Being so convinced we often feel that abstinance is a virtue and makes us better people despite contradictory evidence. Also, he may be sad (not necessarily depressed) or not in a good mood. Male pride, I think, is stronger than male sex drive and can be a matter of self respect. I was like this to my ex occasionally and I have no idea why. I felt like I owed her an explanation I didn't have. Irrational frustration. There's also another thing, some guys (like me) feel that women hold all the cards and we resent this even if, as above, we know it's not true. Everything on their terms because they have all the leverage. We know we're wrong but cannot convince ourselves. We often feel that sex is a control mechanism, even if our SO has given no reason for us to think this. We can develop skewed impressions under strong moods and those false impressions can run deep into the fiber of our being. I don't know how many guys analyze themselves deeply and I don't mean to project my behavior onto him but what you described was similar to how I acted with my ex (after about 2 years of being with her) and I feel it may be a possible explanation.

[bloodtippedrose]

My sex drive is high too. Five days w/o and I will tear him up. Whats nice is my boyfriend can keep up with me. All I have to do is put my feet in his face.


I think you blame yourself for everything... too much... pills for this, pills for that. I took a psychology class and learned so many things were in my head, if I believed something worked for me, then it did (placebo effect) including my constant headaches. Learning that the way I perceive stress was giving me headaches, helped me manipulate how I percieve stress, meaning alot less headaches.

point is I think you should see a cognitive therapist or even a humanistic therapist. Or take a class like I did. Youll learn so much about yourself, it will help your self esteem, medicine choices and understanding your boyfriend.

one more thing... When you have sex is he the one doing all the work? Like do you guys only do a few positions? When my bf wants me to ride him sometimes and I dont feel like it im like "ughn! no!" but if he starts with foreplay and does all the work then Im cool with it maybe your boyfriend would be ok with it if you started with foreplay and did all the work.

[kmr]

Thank you for responding guys. I definitely think things are in my head. I know I have some sort of chemical inbalance because I woke up today wanting to cry, but I wasn't sure why. I started to get that numb/don't care feeling, but at the same time really down in the dumps feeling. I had this feeling the past two days and it's scaring me. I just start spacing out and it's like something died inside of me. I am trying so hard to think positive, but when it comes down to it - I think I need more than just me and myself to fix whatever is going on. I can't wait until my first appointment to talk with someone and start to figure things out because I am honestly very tired of this.

We had a pretty big fight about the sex thing. He said he was afraid that our sex was going to start to become about just orgasming instead of about the experience itself. I can empathize with what he means. The thing is - our sex is not and has never been this way for me - yes some times are more physical than others, but even then it's a very deep connection for me to experience. I guess for him that connection is fading. He said maybe we shouldn't have sex for awhile - until we can't take it anymore that we rip each others clothes off.
I think the biggest problem I am having trouble facing is that the man that I was so utterly convinced was the one for me, my everything, so wonderful - is having a fading passion for me. He wants me to just wait it out and hold on to the memory of the previous sex session and how special it was. This sounds like a good idea - but for me it just sounds a little like "just wait until I want it". I told him okay that I would try that, but I just don't see it working. It doesn't make me happy to suppress my sexualtiy and love for him like that. I don't even want to hit on him/flirt/act sexual with him anymore because I am scared he will get mad at me. I am beginning to be scared of sex and it truly has a negative connotation to it now. I guess I feel a little objectified by changing/supressing my sex drive until he wants it basically.

The numb/don't care feeling all started after we had this conversation and made the deal that I would just wait it out. I don't think I am even in the mood anymore - I guess that could be considered a problem that is solved, but at the same time I think it's bad that I don't want to show him my sexual side (which mentally has changed so much since he has said that the passion isn't there as much anymore).

I dont know what to do guys. I guess I need to stop centering my emotions around him and dumb-down my intensity for him. I am going to get lunch with a bunch of old friends and hope to grow to be more independent.

[flea]

bullshit. don't dumb yourself down for anybody!

"as people get older sex-drive decreases" what?!?! he's 24 ffs! I think he's being a selfish twat, and is more-than-likely bummed-out because he needs to rely on you for accommodation and financial support. you sound like a passionate (if somewhat down on yourself) girl with a very loving nature that needs someone with a similar take on relationships/love. I'm not saying you should drop what you have, but don't feel that you should have to make all the changes.




well, that's what I think.

[girl68]

this problem won't go away. it will insensify and get worse that much I can practically promise you.

[vashti]

You don't know why you are depressed? Your guy - older than you, and presumably more qualified to get a job - is living off you, and can't even be arsed to have sex with you. I would find that depressing, too.

his lack of sex drive is very unlikely to have anything at all to do with you. He is too young to be blaming his lack of drive on "aging". 24 is still a kid. HE has a problem (not you) - and you have to decide if you are willing to live with it.

[girl68]

I'd agree with vashti...

Let me guess you love him so much that you think you can live with it...

Come back in 2 years and cry about how hard the breakup is or was...

[bloodtippedrose]

Flea is right about you not needing to change for someone. Change for yourself, try and find out why you get depressed ect. Dont do it for him. Dont change anything about yourself for him. Truth is, you dont need him you can do fine without without him :/ He needs to change

[jinniu]

to have another guy to live with is the right choice for u . because you are not fit each other.. you havn't married yet . so there have many choices and nice guys for u.. don't be stupid with such a guy any more.