Giving her stuff back

[DonkeyKong]

So my ex and I have been in no contact for around five weeks or so and things have been going pretty well. She's sent me a couple of messages here and there which I have ignored, and I've been doing a TON of self improvement in the meantime, so I feel pretty good at the moment. Weird story though:

Last night I had a dream that she texted me out of the blue asking if we could talk. I don't remember the rest of the dream but I remember waking up later and thinking how random and strange that was, and sort of wishing it weren't a dream, because in the dream I had the sense that us talking would bode well for me. (Of course I know in reality the chances of a reconciliation are slim, but in the dream it didn't feel that way.)

Well anyway I'm on Facebook this morning and what happens? I get an instant message from her out of the blue. WEIRD. The message was not about our relationship or anything though, which I wouldn't have expected of course. But she was asking me what she would need to transfer game files from one Xbox to another because she's thinking about buying her own, and I still have all her game saves and stuff on mine from when we were together. Obviously I did intend to give these back to her because I more than expected her to buy her own since she's become something of a game addict and has been in withdrawal for the last 3 1/2 months since we split. I also have a bunch of other stuff that belongs to her.

Now up until now I'd been ignoring her messages, but for some reason today I felt compelled to answer. Maybe it was because of the dream I had, I don't know...it was the first time we'd spoken at all since Super Bowl Sunday, when we were at a mutual friend's party. It was a normal enough conversation, but she asked me if maybe we could meet up this weekend to transfer her files. I said probably not, since I feel like I MIGHT be ready to see her again without being emotional about it, but I need to wait until I'm SURE, and I don't know when that will be. She seemed understanding and didn't press the matter.

Problem is, now I feel kind of bad about having a bunch of stuff that belongs to her, and yet refusing to see her to give it to her. Most of it she doesn't seem to care about too much, but the video game stuff is kind of a big deal since without it even if she buys her Xbox this week, she won't be able to do much with it since I have all of her games and game save files here! I know I shouldn't allow this to compromise my integrity with NC, but still it does make me feel just a little bad.

Anybody here have a similar experience with a breakup? If so, what did you do? I guess I'm not really upset or anything about this or in need of advice, I just thought I'd share the story since it's things like this you never even consider when breaking up, until after the dust has settled and you look around and realize there's still a lot of loose ends to tie up. It's amazing how intertwined two people's lives can be without even realizing it when you've been together for over five years...

[Bergamot]

I've got the same dilemma with exchanging stuff. On the one hand getting it over with will tie up the loose ends and I won't have this step still hanging over me. On the other hand can't really face it and don't want to look down or nervous when I do it and worried seeing him will just set me back again. Unless there's someone who can be the messenger, which I haven't got, or it can go by post, both his and my stuff is heavy stuff and my bike so thats not gonna work, I don't know that there's any real solution, either you face it now or later.

[DonkeyKong]

Well luckily for me, I can face it later. We still have a good friendship going, and really the NC for me is just so that I can see her without being emotional or jealous of her new guy. Also luckily for me I never have to see the new guy, since he lives 400 miles away from us haha. So the thing is I do plan on seeing her again eventually, I just don't feel quite ready yet. I'm not 100% confident I can see her without getting emotional about it. But since I don't know how long it's going to be, I just feel bad about keeping her stuff, especially since it's keeping her from enjoying one of her big hobbies. But then, after how difficult a time we both had over the last few months breaking up, a video game should really be the least of our concerns.

[cmacattack1]

It can be difficult because it feels like things aren't completely over for you two. If you want to be done with somebody, you can buy new stuff, new games, new whatever. You are exactly right when you say that a video game should be the least of your concerns. It seems to be just another way to talk to you about something.

Good for you for not seeing her until you are ready. I and probably most people in your situation without much experience would crumble at the moment to just see her and not look at any unforeseen consequences that could result if you aren't ready. You don't need any explanations for her, as nice as you want to be.

[Bergamot]

I agree with cmac, you have to put your need not to see her yet above her need to play videogames.

[DonkeyKong]

haha yeah, that's obvious...but I just in the back of my mind kind of wonder if she might have other motivations behind it all. I mean, I have a hard time truly believing that she'd violate my terms of separation and risk angering me just to get her game back. She's really not that immature, believe me. So I just wonder if she might have been using that as a way to test the waters with me, and see if she could get away with breaking NC.

[cmacattack1]

It's not about her intentions as they aren't very relevant to you at the moment (especially if they aren't what you want).

It's about you man.

Or you can swing it by when you know she won't be home. If you aren't ready you aren't ready. Don't rush it.

[DonkeyKong]

The thought of going by when she wasn't home did occur to me, but since I do intend to remain friends with her I think that's not the right way to go. Plus, she needs my help in transfering the files as she's not very technically savvy and doesn't know what she's doing. That's really why she wanted to meet up.

Eh, I'm not sweating it. She didn't press the matter and I don't really care at the moment. I just thought it was a slightly humorous story to share.