Broke up after 12 years but still hopeful

[mikeadams100]

My girlfriend of 12 years fell out of love and asked for a time off a year ago.

We were a happy couple. Looking back, she was loving and extremely dedicated to our relationship. Those were awesome years. I was already determined that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her and planning on how to propose to her is already in the works, especially now that I moved out to a better job. Except during the past 2 years, I was too busy in my (previous) work, too much into other people, that there are times I made her feel I took her for granted. That time, we always argued over me being friends with a female co-worker, and I thought that by changing jobs, things will get better.

Thats what she thought too. But she only realized that she was already tired from what we went through. She wanted time to move on from the hurt, but in the end, she is moving on from me.

Fast forward to today, she already has someone else. Another guy saw his opportunity to confess his love, and finally got his chance.

But despite that, my girl and I never really lost contact. We are still regularly seeing each other. A day never passed without us talking through text, chat, or call. I still meet her up for dinners or weekend brunches. And there were times, though rarely, that we go out of town.

I still love her and I still want her back.

I thought that ill be alright with this setup, even when she has another. Its okay for me to be friends with her.

Then she told me that she and her new guy will be having an overnight trip alone. It's like being punched in the gut, while being pushed off from a plane without parachute. I cant help imagine the things that could happen behind closed doors--having that very thing I held sacred, all for myself, just like that, will be freely given to that guy.

I couldnt help but tell her how hurt I am. I asked her why she couldnt give us another chance. What she told me made me both hopeful and hopeless.

All this time, she told me, she's trying to see if she can fall in love with me again. Why, she asks, would she stay in their relationship if she realizes that she still has feelings for me? It's hurting her too, to see me this way, but she really can't do anything about it. She's as confused on what to do next as I am.

I just feel helpless at the moment. It's exhausting being in this rollercoaster of emotions, being high when were together only to crash and drop every moment she spends with another guy.

I want to continue and finish what we started, but how..

[Hooo!]

So from what i gather she is tired from you paying no attention to her. She is tired of routine and tired of missing romance.
And she says she needs a break.
Am I correct?

[mikeadams100]

Thats one reason. But mostly it was because she's tired over arguing about a female co-worker, who used to be a friend. When i changed jobs, it was only then that i broke contact with that colleague. she thought that its too easy for me and it's unfair for her--just made her feel like she's crazy for nothing.

[Anniveve]

You are walking the razor's edge of pain.

There is no judgement here. I'm in the process of trying to heal from a failed 18 year relationship that ended in Dec. 2016. (3rd separation. Last two he initiated both the reconciliation and the break up.) I understand only too well what it is to look for hope and to hold on long past the time when I should have let go.

Based on what you've written, she is miles ahead of you on the break up curve. With all due respect, you would appear to be a reliable 'plan b' in the event this new relationship doesn't pan out the way she would like for it to. She 'wants the opportunity to fall in love again' with someone else - while you remain friends with her. There really is no upswing for you here.

After 6 weeks of no contact, my ex emailed me. He was sorry. He made a mistake. He will never love anyone the way he loved me'. I sent back to him a war and peace sized email response. Based on the manner that we ended, I really hadn't had the opportunity to question/vent directly to him. Immediately after sending that email, ironically, I discovered a website called 'ExNoContact' through Reddit. (If I'm able to, I'll include the link) There is a segment there located on the far right hand side of the page titled - 'Dealing with Breadcrumbs', that I think will be of benefit to you.

An ex (particularly if they are the 'dumper' vs. the dumpee) can tell you that they miss you, love you, even that they've made a mistake, but it is not the same as stating clearly and concisely that they want to reconcile. There are a myriad of reasons why the dumper may want to continue to have contact with you, but again, unless the end game for them is to reconcile directly, it's self serving and simply postpones the healing process.

I'll share with you the last correspondence I had with my ex last Tuesday - when I first discovered this 'No Contact' approach to heartache.

______________________________________________
"In reading your latest email, it sounds as if you've accepted the break up as permanent. You do not communicate a clear intent of wanting to reconcile. On May 15th, you sent me an email after 6 weeks of no contact. Immediately after I replied back, I discovered a website called 'ExNoContact.' It's been helpful. I wish I had stumbled across it earlier. At the end of this email, I'll include the link to the page.

I'm confused on this end. I think of you whenever I'm still. Sometimes I imagine my independence as being liberating while still pretending that you're next to me as I drift off to sleep. I read your emails and look to reasons to believe that you can somehow win back my trust again and we can resume a life together. But I'm also trying to be realistic. Reading your text messages between Dec. 20th and Jan 8th usually snaps me back to reality.

I will always care about you. I want you to be happy and safe. I need you to be honest with yourself and with me. If after reading the article below, you're hesitant or unsure, I think it's best that we adopt a No Contact rule. I don't know for how long exactly. Best guess estimate would be about a year. I don't know yet how to let you go. But this limbo is purgatory."
______________________________

Ultimately, I think it's about shifting our focus from them - to US. Last week I made an appointment to see a phycologist. Based on what I've read from others that are experiencing the same loss, it's a running theme that seeking council/therapy was instrumental in eventually being able to move on and find joy again. No Contact works.


P.S. - I'm a new member and am unable to post links. You'll find the site under 'ExNoContact'. <'20 reasons for No Contact' and 'Dealing with Breadcrumbs>

[mikeadams100]

Ultimately, I think it's about shifting our focus from them - to US. Last week I made an appointment to see a phycologist. Based on what I've read from others that are experiencing the same loss, it's a running theme that seeking council/therapy was instrumental in eventually being able to move on and find joy again. No Contact works.


P.S. - I'm a new member and am unable to post links. You'll find the site under 'ExNoContact'. <'20 reasons for No Contact' and 'Dealing with Breadcrumbs>

Thanks for sharing your experience Anniveve. I'd never wish it for anyone to go through this hurt, but it's still comforting that we're not alone in this.

I went to the site you mentioned, and my only regret now is that I should've learned about this sooner. Deep down, I knew I should've cut contact with her long ago, but I was too blinded by hope that somehow, she'll come to realize her feelings if I stay for her, or at least, save whatever's left of us for the sake of friendship.

GOD, I WAS WRONG.

In fact, staying only did the exact opposite of what I hoped for. No Contact won't be easy, but it is WAY less painful than having to deal with the stress of knowing that she's with someone and forcing myself to be okay with this situation.

Tbh, i've just started. We had one last talk, with a recurring ending that maybe we can still work out in the future. But I know better now.

I'm just looking forward to healing and focusing on myself this time. It'll be a win-win for us anyway. If somehow we find ourselves back together, we'll end up with better versions of ourselves. And even if we don't, I'll be in a better place than where I am today.

Reposting the list from <ExNoContact> here should others seeking help stumble upon this thread:

Reasons why you shouldn't be friends/in contact with your ex or unrequited love.

1) It's another way to avoid dealing with the pain of a break-up or loss but you will have to deal with it sooner or later, like when your ex starts dating someone else... and it will happen

2) It shows your ex that you don't have the confidence to walk away from someone that has ALREADY told you that they don't see a future with you

3) It relieves your ex of their guilt

4) It shows your ex that you are willing to settle for less than what you want. You lose your self-respect; they lose respect for you

5) It shows your ex that you are not strong or confident enough to stand on your own two feet

6) It will keep the pain fresh and give you false hope

7) Instead of living your life and healing, you will spend that time analysing your ex's behaviour. "does this mean he/she wants to get back together?" or you will spend your time trying to manipulate your own behaviour so that they will want you back (it's not fun).

8) You will have to see how much fun they are having when they are free and single without you tying them down

9) You will have to repress your true feelings because you are the one that accepted this arrangement, trying to let your ex believe that you are cool with it

10) Your ex can sleep with you/lead you on/tease you/hang out together, but if you get "the wrong impression" your ex can say, "but babe, we're just friends, remember? You agreed to that and I don't want to be tied down right now." Ouch.

11) It will stop YOU from meeting and seeing (with your heart) people that WILL want to be with you. from meeting someone that will not be happy with just being friends. Someone that is so crazy about YOU, that friends simply won't do.

12) You will probably see or hear about your ex flirting with someone else, or worse, sleeping with them. Like a knife to your heart. Gah!

13) It keeps you in a perpetual state of limbo where you are uncertain about what your future holds (in a bad way)

14) It does nothing to help your self esteem and dignity (which is low after a break up anyway) because you are asking yourself, "why doesn't my ex want to be with me? what is so wrong with me that I'm right here waiting for them and they still turn me down?"

15) It doesn't give you time to get perspective or clarity or to learn anything from the relationship. You can only look at something objectively when enough time has passed. You cannot do that if you are in the middle of the hurricane.

16) It lets your ex use YOU as their emotional tampon (where you have to soak up all of their problems), where you are there for them when THEY need you. But with them it's a different story when it comes to YOUR needs. Also, you may be reluctant to express your needs because you want to be "cool" and not put any "pressure" on your ex, so they don't think you are asking too much of them. In the end it just drives you crazy because you can't act how you want to act. You become frustrated version of yourself which drives you to be even more clingy.

17) If there's a true basis for friendship, it will still be there in six months, a year, or however long you need to heal and move on. There's no rush.

18) If your ex is already in a relationship/dating and you keep in touch with them it will give them an ego boost and it will make their new relationship MORE successful than if you weren't around. Why? Because you are a good distraction for what might be going wrong in their new relationship. If their new relationship is only half as fulfilling, they will go to YOU to fill in the gaps, then when they cuddle up to their new partner at night, the ex is fulfilled. But if you go away and make yourself scarce, then your ex must make a choice as to whether his new relationship is fulfilling in all the ways as they would like.

19) It won't give your ex a chance to miss you if you stay in contact, any contact. People only appreciate something when it's gone or when they don't have access to it. Think about someone or something that is in your face everyday - a friend/acquaintance who contacts you a bit TOO much, your favourite food that is always in the fridge, a shirt that you like to wear that is hanging in your wardrobe. You take for granted something when it is available.

But when you can't have it, you want it MORE. You feel a bit more lonely now that your friend that hasn't been contacting you at all and you realise just how fun they were to have around. Your favourite food has gone out of production and so you start craving some to eat because it's not available to buy anymore. Your favourite shirt has gone missing so you turn the house upside down looking for it because you realise just how great it looks on you.

I'm not necessarily saying that it will make your ex come back, but it IS basic psychology to appreciate something that is not available anymore, and that goes for your dumper ex appreciating the great things about you. It also lets the negative reasons why they broke up with you to fade away, and for the good feelings to return. Even if your ex is begging you to stay friends, this point STILL applies!

20) They can't miss you if you are hanging around like a bad smell. If you take them at their word and leave and disappear into the fog, it WILL make your ex re-think their decision and whether it was the right choice to leave you, even if they only end up considering it for a split second. Doesn't mean that the decision will be reversed in your favour, but they will ask themselves, "did I do the right thing?"


Here's hoping for the best!