My Dilemma (please help)

[emptyhorizons]

Okay, so… There is this guy that I’ve been friends with. We have a lot of similar taste in music and movies, so it’s always nice to be able to chat with him about those things. And we do get along very well. But he also happens to be a manipulative jerk when it comes to romantic relationships with women. He lies and cheats on girls he is in relationships with… And I DON’T want a relationship with him AT ALL, for this very reason. I know he isn’t trustworthy and he never will be.

I have no problems being friends with him, because it’s cool talking to him and sharing interest, but my issue is the fact that he wants something more out of it… He keeps trying to make a relationship, but I don’t want that. And he completely denies the way he is with women, so it’s impossible to even explain to him WHY I won’t be in a relationship with him. (I am 100% certain that I am not mistaken about his character, despite what he says to the contrary. I have my proof, which is too much to try and explain here, since I‘m trying to keep this as short as I can)

I’m just wondering if it really makes sense for me to continue this friendship? I truly enjoy having casual conversations with him and just BEING FRIENDS. I don’t have a lot of friends like this, because I’m not a very good people person, so having that kind of friendship is kind of a big deal for me. But it comes with him trying to get more out of me. Despite knowing I want nothing more than friendship, he still hints at wanting more. And the whole denial of his ways thing makes it worse because he talks about it as if it only makes sense for us to be together, because we “have so much in common.” He is a good person to have as a friend, he truly is. It’s just relationships he sucks at.

I want to keep our friendship, because without it, I admit I would be quite lonely. But am I just being foolish by continuing to ignore his advances (it’s not like he is forcing me to do anything, he just brings it up a lot and makes obvious moves in that direction)… Would it make more sense to get myself out of the situation entirely? (I also get a lot of harsh judgment from certain people for even being friends with him, because of the way he is in relationships.)

I mean, like I said, he is a good friend. I don’t have to worry about him cheating on me, because I’m not sleeping with him. I don’t care if he hangs out with some other girls, because I’m only his friend. But HE will NOT stop hinting at more, no matter how persistent I am about not wanting that kind of relationship. I don’t think he’ll stop being my friend if I continue to refuse a relationship, but I also don’t think he’s going to stop trying… Which really sucks…

If he WASN’T such a jerk when it comes to relationships, I probably would date the guy. But there can be NO relationship without trust and I definitely CAN’T trust him. (I can trust him as a friend, but not in a relationship.)

(He also happens to be talking to another girl I know, and trying to get with her as well. And the fact that I know that, only increases my determination to NOT be in a relationship with him, because it‘s obvious that he ISN‘T going to change.)

His advances bother me, but at the same time, I enjoy our friendship. I’d date him IF he was trustworthy IN a relationship, but he’s not. Should I just keep doing what I’m doing and continue with my persistence and put up with his ANNOYING advances or just walk away now, despite my enjoyment of the friendship itself…

Wow, this ended up being longer than I expected, and way too repetitive… Sorry about that… But if you’ve actually read this far, any advice would be appreciated, thanks!

[emptyhorizons]

Also, I should probably mention that he used to date a really good friend of mine. (another reason I know how he really is) I feel like it's bad for me to even be friends with him considering he really emotionally hurt this friend of mine when they dated... But I'm already friends with him so it's a bit late for that... But it's another reason I am wondering if it WOULD be better for me to walk away.

[MerryH]

You should stop being friends with him. He's not your friend, really, he's just someone who wants to date you and thinks that if he spends enough time with you, you'll eventually cave. It's not a true friendship if he has motives, which he obviously does. And you shouldn't be leading him on.

On the other hand, I get the feeling you haven't been forceful enough in rejecting his advances. If you tell him very clearly that it's never ever going to happen, and he chooses to be friends with you and stops hitting on you, then maybe a friendship will work. I only say this because he seems like more of a player type than the usual "sadsack guy who wants to date his best girl friend" type that we typically have on this forum. He might be able to get over it and just be friends, especially if he's still pursuing other girls.

Either way, put a stop to him hitting on you, since it annoys you. You shouldn't just accept it.

[emptyhorizons]

He doesn't hit on me as often as I made it seem in the original post. And a lot of the time it's just off-handed comments that hint at a relationship. Any time that he does actually talk to me about it though (more than just the comments in passing every now and then) I make sure to tell him that I don't want to be in a relationship with him. (I guess maybe I should respond to the little comments too, rather than just addressing it when he brings it to full on conversation.) But I don't feel that I've been "leading him on." That's a term I associate more with someone who plays along with the advances rather than saying, "no, I'm sorry, I don't want more." And if I have led him on, it most certainly wasn't intentional. I just simply enjoy the friendship and have tried to keep it... I suppose I can try to get the point across further and if he continues, walk away.

It's just hard, because I really do enjoy the time we spend together... And, as I said before, I'd be quite lonely without him.

Anyway, thanks for taking the time to read and respond!

[steviej]

One conversation with him can set all this straight. The next time he hints at something tell him in no uncertain terms you don't like him in that way, you don't ever want to date him and the comments he makes are starting to make you feel very uncomfortable and if he doesn't stop then you'll have to stop hanging around with him.
Let him know you're serious when you say this.

[bulrush]

Sounds like he just want take the hint, so stop being friends with him. Can't you find better quality friends to talk to?

What about going to meetup.com? It's for looking for friends with similar interests in your area. Free signup.