So this is my first time posting.....and I need help.

[kramer26]

Hello Everyone,

This is my first post. I have heard great things about this site and as of now, I need some relationship advice.

I am currently in a relationship that is a few months shy of a year. This girl, I'll call her BB, is someone I have liked since high school. She was my crush growing up and finally after 10 years, we were finally able to become a couple.

Now the madness begins.....

BB and I are very head strong people. We are very driven and both of us like to set goals. I however like to talk about my feelings and am very affectionate to the ones I love, though not too affectionate. BB has come a long way. She's had her rough times with guys in the past and wasnt very open in the beginning. After the first month, she really started opening up.

As time goes on however, she becomes more nervous. She says she gets this way because the stakes are higher, the risk of getting hurt is greater and she backs off a lot. This backing off makes me think something is wrong and I ask questions, which annoys her. I feel that if I don't ask question, I won't know whats wrong and I can't fix it. As you can see, it can become a never ending circle.

Recently, we have been fighting a bit and she really unleashed on me. She said she is tired of all the questions and tired of putting up with certain things. She mentioned that for some of the relationship she ignored some things and acted like she was happy. This is probably the meanest I've seen her act to me. I went on thinking certain mannerisms were ok (these of which upset her and annoyed her) and kept doing them; if she told her early on, I could have adapted. She is very distant, but wants me to be myself. It's hard for me to be myself when she hardly talks to me during the day or until late at night. I sit there with all these thoughts in my head. Normally I am a very happy go lucky person with questions on the minimal side. But when things get rocky, I feel I need to ask things. I want to fix things. She is the opposite. She doesn't like to talk about feelings, but I feel that I can't fix something unless I talk about it. It's like a panic attack hits and I have to ask them....I was never like this before.

Also, she came out and said that she has fibbed to me a few times concerning her past (we both cleaned out our "closets" honestly or so I thought..) so I would stop asking questions, meanwhile one of our major fights concerned me fibbing over a gift that I got her because it didn't get here on time. I got yelled at but when she came forward about her dishonesty, it wasnt supposed to be a big deal. I feel like she can tell me half the truth meanwhile I have to be completely honest at all times.

Another issue is that she is tired of me saying "this isn't me." It's hard not to say it. I don't want her to think I've become this nervous wreck, and in truth, it's not me. I'm not a nervous person or a major question buff. I guess I have become this way because I really care about her and I dont want there to be any leaks in the ship. Should I just shut up, ignore her attitude and just be me and hope it goes away?

Finally: Affection
I like texting her or emailing her saying that I miss her within the message or that I love her. She says this gets old. She will only tell me to my face once in a while that she loves me when it feels right. I on the otherhand say it always because I mean it, even after a fight. I never want someone to think I don't love them because of a fight at that moment. She wants me to back off a bit, but I'm worried that if I do, she will start to feel distant from me and eventually lose attraction to me. During the past months when she said that she was just putting up with stuff, we were very affectionate and I thought it was ok only to hear now that it wasnt. So I don't know how much is too much or too little. So it's kind of a catch 22.

She says I need to be myself or this could end. I feel like I'm pinned against the wall. She said that she doesn't want to change for this relationship. I know I'm not perfect and I love her very dearly and I think she could be the one for me. I'm just hurt that she let things go for a few months so now I sit here wondering what is ok to do and what's not or what's real for that matter.

I think what I will do is just be myself, not ask questions and just be happy. I'm hoping that she will stop acting the way she is and just be herself as well. I'm tired of being treated like I'm the problem. I want us to be happy. Thing is, can I come on here and share with you guys stuff that when I start to panic, I get stuff out of my mind so I don't bring them up to her?

UPDATE

So it’s been a few days since I created this entry. School has really caught up to me and I’ve been busier than ever trying to balance out school and my situation with the girl I love.

BB and I are now on a break. We are still together but I’m giving her space. The weekend I posted, I thought things were going well. She was a bit snippy to me, but we spent some good time together and got her psych project done, so she was happy. However, her work load is starting to build up the closer she gets to graduation.

The break started on Monday night. We were talking on the phone and she was pretty snippy to me. Since I got some of the awesome feedback I have been watching what I have been saying, and just have been myself. I ask next to zero questions now and I am pretty happy most of the time. She seems to be very crabby to me lately and the smallest things set her off. One thing led to another and before we know it, she is talking to me about how she may need a break. She told me normally she never believes in breaks and would just leave the guy. She asked me then what do I want to do. I said “well we have three choices: Stay on this path, keep talking the way we do and have this either go up or down severely. We can take a break and I can give you the space you need. Or we can just end it.” I then asked her what would make her happy. She said she would like to take a break, but stay together, just to get over some stuff. She said she needed to get over some anger and with this break, we would not be seeing anyone else, it would just be a hold back on communication; she would be the one to call me or email me, other than that, we may not talk everyday. I told her that if that would make her the happiest and would enable her to overcome some things so we could begin the rebuilding process then I am game. I’m normally not a fan of breaks but this seemed like a legit reason.

She did call me on Wednesday night. It was a short conversation that was both good and bad. We talked about how our days went and she seemed pretty happy to talk to me at first. When I asked if it had been weird not talking for two days, she said responded by that she didn’t want to talk about that type of stuff. I said ok and continue my cheery attitude. I then asked if she knew if she wanted me to attend her formal, just incase I needed to take work off in about a week in a half so I could notify my boss. She said again she didn’t want to talk about that stuff. So she was getting a bit snippy at me. We were wrapping up the conversation and I said “well if I don’t speak to you tomorrow, I hope you have a good day with classes and such.” She got mad over that comment, when I was just being polite! I admit, the first question was not a good one and I asked it in the moment since I was excited to talk to her, but the last two parts were a bit mean. She mentioned that maybe she called a bit soon, I said no it was fine, wished her a good night and that was that. She also said that she would be the one to make contact first, and has not called since.

I hope I didn’t mess up too bad. I was myself during the conversation but she still seemed to jump on me over the smallest things. She is coming here this weekend (starting tonight) for two days to attend the formal at my college. I hope she’s not too awkward. I can understand being somewhat distant at first, but if she is still coming here, it would be nice for her to put her best foot forward. I myself will be playing it cool and be myself and make sure she has a good time. I only have one worry about this whole break thing: I don’t want my chain yanked. It would be pointless for her to say we need a break when she’s already made up her mind. It would only be dragging it out….

How should I act while she is here? Be happy go-lucky? Give her space and let her come to me? I just hope she loosens up and has a little fun this weekend. This weekend can make or break us.


Kramer26

[zerokool189]

im sorry man, this can be very frustrating. The only thing i can tell you is to be yourself. Do what you feel is right. You dont have a problem, she is the one that needs to open up.. You guys have been together long enough to be able to feel comfortable around each other. She is studying Psych... maybe she needs an evaluation from one of her classmates... If I were in your situation I would let the girl have another week off, I wouldnt contact her at all. You should be fine since you both established rules prior to the break. after that week i would talk to her and if she is still the same, i would probably end it. You sound like a really good guy and you deserve someone thatll treat you the same way.

[Gigabitch]

Kramer, it sounds to me like you're on the brink of splitting up for good. I don't think she's trying at all, and for a relationship to work, you both have to try.

She also, I'm sorry to say, sounds like she's got a case of permanent PMS. That might just be the way you've put things, but I'm hearing that you are constantly getting in trouble and she's dismissive and cold to you.

I think you can make this relationship last by being really careful, but I'm not sure if you can make it work. Which is more important to you?

[Tiay]

Kramer, that was SO frustrating to read! Guys who are proactive with their relationships, who need to ask questions and solve problems rather than just ignoring them and letting it fester are great! That is such a valuable quality in a guy. Not only that, but you communicate very clearly. In your post you did not throw accusations around, you even started several sentences with "I feel that.."

And the frustrating part.. she's totally not appreciating it! In fact she's treating you unfairly. big no no. sign of disrespect. If she doesn't come to her senses and see what a great assets these qualities in you are, you should seriously consider breaking it off more permanently.

It seems like she knows that you'll do anything to make her happy and to fix the relationship; and she's taking advantage of that. She doesn't seem to respect you. Stand up for yourself. Say hey, this isn't fair. I have the need to ask what the hell is up when you get distant, etc. This is a basic relationship-right, damn it. She will ether have to grow up and respect you as an equal in the relationship, or you'll sadly find out that she's just taking advantage. Dude. if she loves you the way you love her, she should be putting in the same effort. Do you see her making the kind of sacrifices you're contemplating and have made? Do you see her worrying about how not to offend you in txt messages? Why is it that she gets to bitch about how too many miss you's and love you's "get old" and you have to change your behaviour to take into account her wants, rather than you getting to say how the lack of miss yous and love yous make you feel, and her having to take that into account? This relationship is not equal.

[miSSleepy]

Tiay's right ... guys like you are great. And rare.
I think you're qualities are wasted on this girl, and you should find someone who deserves them.

[sammy_13]

I totally agree with what the girls have said......and I know what your going through. In my relationship I am the one with your role trying to make things better and I too don't understand why he becomes distant. All I can say is that she is lucky to have you, you are doing everything right. Give her space and time (that is what i am doing with my guy) and if she really cares she will be back with a committment to see your side as well if she doesn't as hard as it is to accept it will probably be for the better. I know its hard to accpept when someone you want doesn't seem to want you in the same way. Unfortunately there is nothing you can do keep us posted and I hope she sees what a gem of a guy she has.

[SunRiSer]

it seems that you are just a great guy and that she is a difficult person.

i think that you should try to be yourself, concerning and loyal. BUT you should tell her right in the face that you are getting desperate, that you love her but that you'r afraid and confused.

in my opinion, breaks are evil...
you'd better be carefull