Should I tell him the truth???

[nebulachic]

UUGHHGH.. HELP!!!

I found out a few months ago my b/f cheated on me last year with an ex g/f. They saw each other at a weekend long wedding, then emailed and called for months and talked about maybe even starting a life together. When I found the emails and confronted him he sent her an email saying our relationship (which he had told her about - I know for sure) had grown and he was in love with and committed to me.

My b/f went away with a male friend last weekend to his summer place.. just the 2 of them (I know for sure) for a fishing weekend. A guy that contacted me online last year happened to email me again a few days before the weekend and asked if I wanted to get together. I had told my b/f about him last year because we are all musicians and I had even invited him to join us at a few music events but he never could make it due to his music schedule.

We didn't end up getting together BUT I TOLD my b/f that I went to a house party/jam with him and ended up crashing there overnight. I didn't want him to think I was just sitting at home... and maybe somewhat out of spite.. but not very concsiously at all. I'm just now realizing the impact of what I've done.

He said he isn't upset by it although I think maybe he is (he said he is going to look the guy up online - made it sound like out of musical interest... and at the end of the phone call said "Dream about drums not guitars" <he's a drummer the guy is a guitarist> - and he said it was a dig). He said he's not a jealous person and said why he IS bothered is that if the shoe were on the other foot he'd be in the doghouse (which is true).

He asked if the guy was interested in dating me. I told him he was but that I told him I was seeing someone and wouldn't be more than friends. He also said: "and on top of it the guy is 15 yrs younger than you and a musician." I then challenged him about his lack of jealousy which I've always thought was bunk. I said "So if you saw some guy and I making out that wouldn't bother you??" "Yes it would bother me... and I'd beat the shit out of the guy. I have a dark side and I don't like to get in touch with it" (ie, just denies jealous feelings?)

I don't know if I should tell him the truth. Had I received the guys email early enough I probably WOULD have gotten together with him. I'm more afraid to tell him I lied now though.

[Only-virgins]

People confuse me, can you please not use the term "get together" for having sex. Did you **** the other guy or no? cause I can't tell by your post, as far as I am concerned sleep overs are not against the rules of a relationship...it is what happens there that could be. So what are you asking if you should tell him or not?

[nebulachic]

I didn't even see the other guy. I LIED and told my b/f I went out with him but didn't really.

[Gigabitch]

Neb, there is such a thing as need-to-know information. IMO, you and your bf are unnecessarily hurtful to one another with this stuff.

If you're going to stay with him, which you seem determined to do, make all of your decisions based on the concept of future happiness. Will telling him this contribute to your future happiness? I doubt it.

You didn't do anything, for God's sake. Do you feel as though you ought to because he's such a shit, or at least let him know you have the opportunity? You're better than that.

Self-respect is clearly something you're in short supply of. Keep a hold of what you've got.

[Only-virgins]

I didn't even see the other guy. I LIED and told my b/f I went out with him but didn't really.

And you are what? angry at his reaction?

You said he "talked" with his ex...is that considered cheating these days?

[nebulachic]

He talked to his ex about starting a life together for 3 months.. while he was seeing me! And saw her once after their initial reunion... knowing I've been wanting a life with him for a year now!

I lied to him because I've felt like crap about myself since he cheated on me... and I suppose I wanted to show him other people find me valuable.

Is there ever a time when it is OK or even GOOD for a realtionship to do this? What if it's made him stop and think "hey.. she might move on if I don't treat her better" or "I really was an ass for cheating on her"

[Gigabitch]

For a lot of men, that moment comes three weeks after you leave him. Actions speak louder than words. If you want him to understand that you might leave him, the best way to do it is to actually leave him.

This man has no redeeming qualities whatsoever. If I knew you IRL, I would bully you into leaving him. He sucks.

[YourBestFriend]

Mutual trust is the basis for any relationship