"open relationship" wasn't as "open" as we thought

[der_junge]

Hello dear members,

I'm in my mid twenties, and me and my girlfriend (in her early twenties) steered our relationship into a corner somehow. about a year ago I moved about 1000 miles away from our hometown to do studies abroad. ( at that point we were together for about half a year) for some reason I can't really explain anymore we suddenly talked about having an open relationship from that point on. It wasn't really for the sake of urgently wanting to meet new people but more as a kind of safety solution so IF something would happen then noone would be completely overwhelmed (stupid idea I know)... but it was absolutely clear that we would not actively look for a serious relationship or even love. we wanted to get back together after the studies and just wanted this "safety distance".

After the first, very exciting month in my new hometown she told me she was suddenly feeling different. She didn't want this distance anymore. Even though I really liked the fact that she felt that way and wanted to try to get keep the old and "classic" relationship alive, I also instantly lived out what we agreed on when I came there and so for me it was to late to say "I won't sleep with anyone". Especially the fist weeks were so exciting and there were parties and new people everywhere. In two cases this FUN we had led to more FUN and then to a night that we spent together. Without any deep feelings involved and without any consequences. But it was sex. And in that moment I was afraid to even tell her about that because I was so happy she wanted thing to get back to normal. So I answered with a lie: "no, no sex. kissing, touching and a night spent together. but no sex"

Now she is in south europe for a semester herself. and since that night we didn't really talk about the whole topic anymore. but then she seemed a little changed and I asked her what happened. Apparently she kissed a guy in a bar and went home with him. But she said she didn't sleep with him. "you chose that, now I can do it too" was something she said. She kissed some more guys since then. And to be honest her kissing those guys isn't the big thing. I can forget about that. But after the first weird feeling, we're at the point again where she asks what I did so far... meaning what "happened" with other girls.

Now the thing is: we both seem to know that somehow we want this all to end. we want to go back to normal and want to build our relationship from the bottom up again. And my question is if after all this miscommunication and all the unclear behaviour, is it important for me to clear up that I DID have sex? Even though this does not mean more to me than a kiss? Would that just be a selfish way of trying to get salvation from her? Or is it a necessary step to start from scratch? (or maybe not if this detail would be to much for her)?

Sorry for the long text, and I really hope someone has some advice for me...

Greetings
Der_Junge

[Ric]

Let me first clear this up.
An open relationship is NOT multiple relationships. An open relationship is purely about sex. Having multiple relationships would be polygamy.

Now, she has cheated on you while you didn't cheat on her. You come to some rules together and you obided by then, you had sex but it was deemed ok. She kissed other guys as a revenge of you kissing other girls. She was clearly inable to handle the open relationship and felt you cheated on her.
I should add that some women might suggest an open relationship but only want to hear from their boyfriend that they are the only one. I suspect you didn't read that well, but that's a sidepoint.

Personally I think being open and honest is the key to any good relationship. So, you should tell her. Keep in mind that it's possible she won't take it well. But I think if you want to relationship to survive that you owe it to her to tell her.
Make clear you didn't tell her before because you were afraid t hurt her and make clear the act was only a physical release with no emotions involved.

If you do not tell her it will likely come out somehow anyway and then you can certainly say byebye to her. So, be open, be honest and restart the passion you guys once had.

[IncognitoSir]

I agree with Ric, well said.

[doppelgaenger]

Let me first clear this up.
An open relationship is NOT multiple relationships. An open relationship is purely about sex. Having multiple relationships would be monogymous.

No, that's called polygamy, not monogamy. An open relationship means you're not exclusive and the status may change at any time.

[Ric]

No, that's called polygamy, not monogamy. An open relationship means you're not exclusive and the status may change at any time.

Ugh, don't know how I could have made that mistake. -_-
Thanks for the correction.

[Mongoose]

[URL=http://img843.imageshack.us/i/dopm.jpg/][/URL]

Language man to the rescue!

[vashti]

Don't tell her, unless you have contracted an STD, the other girl got pregnant, or you think that she might find out from another source, or if you aren't sure it won't happen again.

[JadenMia]

Don't tell her, unless you have contracted an STD, the other girl got pregnant, or you think that she might find out from another source, or if you aren't sure it won't happen again.

I agree with that.. Telling her will cause nothing but problems and will DOOM your relationship. If she wasnt cool about you fooling around with another girl and felt the need for revenge.. How do you think she is going to react to you telling her that you slept with someone?
Even if it was just physical and no emotion at all... That will not matter to her.

Unless there is a way she will find out.. Dont tell her. Save her some pain and just keep it quiet.

[ochriso]

If you tell her she may think you will lie again. :|

[hello1]

If you tell her she will properly just dump you. It sounds to me she has no problem finding men intrested in her so...your bad luck

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Am I the only one here that realizes she didn't just kiss these other guys? She "kissed" these guys the same way you "kissed" that girl.

[Kira]

Simple as this: the fact that you two are even hiding anything from each other mean's you shoudn't have done the open relationship in the first place. Only starts with one lie to build onto insecurity and jealously.

[Bo]

I agree with Backup, she probably did some other things she's not telling you about. I think you BOTH need to be completely honest with each other, it might take time for you both to adjust to the lies that WERE told but if you really want to make the relationship work honesty is the key. Without honesty trust can never be achieved and without trust we all know a relationship will not work.

[Bo]

At this point i think you BOTH know what the truth is, but you're afraid to admit it to each other so get honest with each other or get out of the relationship.

[T_El]

Yeah, i dont understand why people say Go tell her!! U set the rules of open relationships at the first place, so having sex with others that what it includes, it shouldnt even be discussed.
And if u both want to get back to "classic" relationships u should do it and just forget what was in the past....and i think it s a happiness when both have the same wish to build from bottom up and there shouldnt be any problems.. U just played a game called "Open relationships" and it didnt suit u, thats all...so get back to normal!!!!