Relationship with a girl who is in doubt

[Zodiac]

Hello everyone, this is my first post here asking for advices for the love matter, any help will be greatly appreciated.

I met this girl a month ago, she came to New Zealand (Where I live at the moment) to study for 1 year, when I first met her, my heart tells me that she is the one I've been waiting for. Not only because of her physical look but also her personality, her attitude towards life and so on, and I think she was keen on me as well.

We spent almost every day alone together in the last month's time, we stay up all night talking in the car, we cook and have dinner together, we go to an island alone and spend the night together etc etc...

Couple of days ago, I asked her whether she would be my girlfriend, and she told me that she actually has a boyfriend back in China.

So I questioned her why would she gives all the signals that made me think that there is a chance.

She told me that she is confused, because she never thought about the definition of girlfriend and boyfriend, she thought if a guy treats you well consistently, and the girl doesn't hate him, then they can be boyfriend/girlfriend.

The fact is the guy back in China has been pursuing her for 7 years, and she just recently agreed to be his girlfriend before she came to New Zealand. However, this is what she said to me regarding their relationship:"I never liked him, I never knew what it feels like being in love with someone, but when I'm with you, I think i found that feeling, but I can't let him down, he wasted 7 years on me, I feel that I owe him too much, and that's the only reason why I agreed to be his girlfriend, I want to pay my debts"

So I told her that being in a relationship is not about paying debts, but it's to pursue what you want in your life, and she told me she understands but can't help to feel guilty, at same time she is deeply confused, for several reasons:

The first and most important reason is that she still feels that she owe him for the time he spent on her, and she doesn't know what he will do (she is worring that he might do something extreme) if she tell him her true feeling, and also, as she was only planning to study in New Zealand for 1 year, though she has the chose to stay but it means a lot of changes has to be made in her life.

After the conversation, I feel that I love her ever more, and I would do anything to make her to stay here. However, I can't help her to make up her mind. What should I do?

Any advices will be greatly appreciate, and thanks for spending time reading my post.

[alovehangoverr]

Stop engaging in this potential relationship with her until she has her shit sorted out.

I don't understand her logic-- she didn't take 7 years of his life, he invested that in her. That was his choice. How long does she plan on being with him and "paying off her debts?" Because realistically she's probably not going to stay with him forever.. the longer she keeps up this "relationship," the more she'll actually be taking part in wasting his time.

[vashti]

I don't really understand what you are expecting from a girl who is only going to be there a year. I mean, MAYBE she will be able to stay, but maybe not. And even if she COULD, would she really want to leave her entire family behind?

Anyway, I don't think she is any more at fault than you. Why didn't you ask her sooner about her availability? I mean, she's in a foreign country all by herself, and probably wanted to make friends. She may not have the same dating customs where she comes from.

Personally, I chalk this up to a pleasant experience and just be nice.

[Zodiac]

Thanks for the advice, alovehangoverr, I totally understand what you mean, however, I found it hard to convince her to think that way, I don't know if it's the culture or what, she is being "too" considerate, I actually asked her the similar question "so are you going to use your rest of your life to pay his 7 years?" and this is what she said to me "Maybe I can spend some time with him together and let himself feel uncomfortable with someone who doesn't really like him, then he will give up, as long as he gives up first, I'm free, and I won't feel that I owe him anymore"

[Sonrisa]

I don't really understand what you are expecting from a girl who is only going to be there a year.

i think i do. it's like an annual membership to a whorehouse.

[carl1222]

She's Chinese ... I assume (from your excellent but somewhat different English) that you are also Chinese (or other asian culture) ... certainly not a Kiwi!

When she says "I can't let him down, he wasted 7 years on me, I feel that I owe him too much, and that's the only reason why I agreed to be his girlfriend, I want to pay my debts" is this normal in Chinese culture?

Here you will mostly get an American or Western European point of view ... does this make sense in her culture?

Carl.

[alovehangoverr]

Thanks for the advice, alovehangoverr, I totally understand what you mean, however, I found it hard to convince her to think that way, I don't know if it's the culture or what, she is being "too" considerate, I actually asked her the similar question "so are you going to use your rest of your life to pay his 7 years?" and this is what she said to me "Maybe I can spend some time with him together and let himself feel uncomfortable with someone who doesn't really like him, then he will give up, as long as he gives up first, I'm free, and I won't feel that I owe him anymore"

It's not probably he'll "give her up" now that he has her after waiting for 7 years. If someone is that dedicated in their pursuit, even if she was terrible to him, he'd probably still stick it out with her.

It's on her shoulders to take care of it.. not wait it out.

[Zodiac]

Thanks for the advice vashti, to address your question,

1. What I am expecting from a girl who is only going to be here for a year
When I spent time with her, I did ask her do you like New Zealand, she told that she does appreciate New Zealand life better than in China, and I asked her, what will your parents say, she told me that her parents think that she's old enough to make her own decision. For me, I'm actually hoping that she would stay here, I've been gone out with different girls before, but she is the only one who gave me that feeling that I want to spend the rest of my life with.

2. Why I didn't ask her for availability.
I have to admit that I should have done that as soon as I had the thought of pursuing her, however, part of the reason why i asked her the question is to check her availability, and I got no answer but full of confusion and so on.

[Zodiac]

Thanks for the reply Carl, nice guess! yes, I am a Chinese as well, but spent most of my life in New Zealand. For that reason, I really don't know if that's normal in Chinese culture, regarding if the western method would solve this asian problem, it might, it might not, but I believe when it comes to the topic of love, there is gotta be something in common in both cultures.

[Zodiac]

It's not probably he'll "give her up" now that he has her after waiting for 7 years. If someone is that dedicated in their pursuit, even if she was terrible to him, he'd probably still stick it out with her.

It's on her shoulders to take care of it.. not wait it out.

Got your point alovehangoverr, thanks for the advice.

[carl1222]

Thanks for the reply Carl, to answer your question, yes, I am a Chinese as well, but spent most of his life in New Zealand. For that reason, I really don't know if that's normal in Chinese culture, regarding if the western method would solve this asian problem, it might, it might not, but I believe when it comes to the topic of love, there is gotta be something in common in both cultures.

Yes, Zodiac, love is the same whether in Beijing or Aukland ... but the rules vary. As a long time Kiwi, your perception of the obligations that may go with how you conduct yourself in love may be quite different than those in her country, or her village. Don't discount her concern about the proper way she is expected to behave, or condemn what she did by agreeing to be the "girlfriend" of someone she doesn't love. It's not that simple. Remember ... you're not all that Chinese any more.

Carl.

[Sonrisa]

i think love is different everywhere.

[Zodiac]

Yes, Zodiac, love is the same whether in Beijing or Aukland ... but the rules vary. As a long time Kiwi, your perception of the obligations that may go with how you conduct yourself in love may be quite different than those in her country, or her village. Don't discount her concern about the proper way she is expected to behave, or condemn what she did by agreeing to be the "girlfriend" of someone she doesn't love. It's not that simple. Remember ... you're not all that Chinese any more.

Carl.

Thanks for your reply, I understand your point fully, and I admit that there is a difference in perception of the obligation between she and me. If I was a full Chinese, or a full Kiwi, I probably wouldn't even had to make this post, but because my multi background, I understand her situation, but I don't know what to do to address her concern.

[carl1222]

Thanks for your reply, I understand your point fully, and I admit that there is a difference in perception of the obligation between she and me. If I was a full Chinese, or a full Kiwi, I probably wouldn't even had to make this post, but because my multi background, I understand her situation, but I don't know what to do to address her concern.

OK ... now time for the heavy lifting, Zodiac. You and she want to be together. She doesn't have any attraction for her "boyfriend." She has enormous attraction for you. Ask her how she feels she has to handle it ... and support her if you can.

Carl.

[Zodiac]

OK ... now time for the heavy lifting, Zodiac. You and she want to be together. She doesn't have any attraction for her "boyfriend." She has enormous attraction for you. Ask her how she feels she has to handle it ... and support her if you can.

Carl.

Thank you Carl for the advice