Can't get rid of my ex boyfriend

[thedownfallofus]

I started dating a guy over three years ago and had a little thing (that's a whole nother story) with him when i was a freshman in highschool, I am now 20. Anyways When we started dating it felt right and i fell in love for the first time in my life. I was sure of it since i had never felt anything for ANYONE my entire life i though i was "asexual" .

So he was always really jealous and sensitive. Every girl before me cheated on him, his last cheated on him with his flloewbandmate/best friend and it really screwed him up.
Make along story short yeah, we had fights and we'rent perfect we were in love.
Niether of our familyds would let us spend the night together so in the dead of windter we'd find either a car, or storage unit, we even eventually stayed in a abandoned house cause we just didn't want to leave eachother.
We went through ALOT of dramatic event. Such as one time in a hotel i left after a fight and his friend called me frantic saying he was slicing himself up with broken beer bottle and saying he was going to killhimself, once i got there he had my knife he asked to hold on to while we walked on the railroad tracks to "protect" us.
Anyways i'm telling you all that so you can get a glimpse of what his personality and crazy behavior.

Well i broke up with him, thought that was it and just tryed to move on. I loved him still and me moving on didn't last long cause he showed up at my house drunk saying he loved me and needs me and he would to this all the time randomly/ sometimes with a twist (like throwing rocks at my window or calling me on blocked numbers). Sometimes we'd get back together on and off.
He told me he wanted to marry me one day and have a baby he even intentionally tryed to get me pregnant he now admits.
I thoght "wow someone finally loves me" so i started wanted those things as well. My dream in life became spending it with him even if we weren't togeether at the time i always in my heart felt we'd end up together.

Eventually after one of the other times we broke up i hooked up with his old best friend not thinking...and well he found out and called me crying calling me a bitch and whore saying he hates me and wanted me to die. I felt bad but was so fed up from him hurting me i thought..."good."
So i star living life again and he shows up at my house after him having a gf for a while and he became a heroin addict!
All his friends hate me and say im he reason he's such a mess now bu that's not true cause i NEVER cheated on him or anything.

Well SOMEHOW he manipulated me into dating him once again despite his habbit, he got me to do it a few times and spent most the time trying to get money and score drug, when he wasnt doing that he was playing with his horrible band.
Yet i stayed, cause i loved him.

Since this is getting long i'm going to skip over the rest and get to the point.
After em telling him i never wanted to see him again (including talk) he called me after my friend rodney died (whomn he hated cause i had a thing with him) So he called to see it i was ok. I figured ok w/e.
We endd up hanging ou drinking with one of my friend and my ex flirts with me and talks about how im the best he's ever had in ront of my friend and then took me aside and told me he still loves me so much but he has a gf. cool.
We end up passing out wake up next to eachother face to face and we kissed one innnocent kiss and that was it.

After that we didn't talk for a while leaving me so damn confused of whats going on i started wanting him again that kiss made all my feelings come back. So i wrote him a heartfelt email teliing him how i'd do anything to make it work (me reaching out for once) and he didnt respond and then called me a few days later and thouh i wrote it in a drunk ramble when in reality i was sobbing while writing it.

He ended up telling me we will never work out, givve it up and wanted to be friends.
I didn't want to be friends for several reasons.

After he said all that lets say...a few weeks, almost a month later he sent me an amail saying "i want to **** you so bad right now" (mind you he has a gf still)
A week after that he called while i was with y cousins and wanted to hango out...we ended up not being able to so he called me again saying he has sex dreams about me all the time as such and. He wanted me to come over the next morning cause noone was home at his house.
Well after all that i was done. Finished.
I ignored his messages and everything thinknig he'd get the hint i don't want to talk to him.

Last night he called me three times and i ignored it then he sent me an IM saying pick up the phone and then kept typing my name over and over. It was weird. He signs off so i continue with my life UNTILL....

WHAT'S THAT I HEAR!?!?! stuff being thrown at my window, i knew it was him. i ignored it but he was percistent adn wouldn't stopp. He threw rocks at my window for an hour till i got so annoyed i went out there to ass what the hell he was doing, my sister had just gotten hom so i assumed he would of left but i went out to check and i saw a bicycle...then i see him hiding behind my dads truck.
He lives a good 15 minutes or a little more away from me but apparenty after i ignored him he wrode his bike all the way to my house. He said he was having problems at home, and he had some alcohol.... so i felt bad for him since he did ride his bike here and hung out with him alittle. Eventually he started falling asleep with his head on my shoulder, i got up and kicked him out.


And that's that.
I was doing a good job ignoring him to the point of beleiving i might not even love him anymore but after lat night i don't know what to think.
He hurts me too much, he's too imbalanced, He doesnt know what he wants and i think he has serious mental problems. Also i got him to quit heroin i told his family and basically saved his life but he still doesnt respect or appreciate me.

I want him to disapear as you can see he hasn't for years. Everytime i think i'll never see him again i do.

The only way to escape is to move and i can not afford to move right now.
So what should i do? And what do you think of all this?

p.s i'm so sorry for making this so long i could of gone on and on. There's so much to say. But i hope someone takes the time to reply.
Thanks xoxo

[MerryH]

He hasn't disappeared yet because you still allow him to see you. If you're serious about not wanting him around, you need to stand your ground, no matter what he does or says, no matter how bad you feel, no matter how much you miss him. You can't be afraid to take some drastic measures to keep him away. First, tell him in no uncertain terms that you're finished with him and to never call, text, IM, or show up at your house again. Don't be vague, don't assume he'll get the hint, you don't even really need to give an explanation. Then block him from any means of communication. If he shows up at your house, do not answer the door, do not go outside if he's there, just call the police. Seriously. If you've told him to never come to your house, and he does it anyway, you have every right to get cops involved rather than have to deal with him yourself (which is what he wants.)

So, again, you're going to have to be stronger than you have been, and absolutely cut all contact no matter what he tries.

[Agape]

Your 'break-up' wasn't really a break up. . . . so most things you do will be taken as mixed messages

Firstly he didn't "manipulate" you into dating because you said "I stayed, cause I loved him"

also when you were confused you "wrote him a heartfelt email teliing him how i'd do anything to make it work" . . pathetic

--> If you want him gone then get more serious and stop with the stupid games. If things get bad then call the police.

[xxazurexx]

Yeah I agree with MerryH. He is still around and because you have chosen to keep him around. He's been back and forth sooooo many times, it's become the 'norm' and he knows that he can come calling and whenever he wants and because you have been there for him and remain there for him. He takes advantage of your soft heartedness.

I know and because I have an ex who won't go away either - but only because I have allowed him back in my life time and time and time and time and time, etc, again.

Toughen up, tell him to bog off and mean it and stick to it. Although and I suspect and if you are like me, you will say 'go away' with all best intentions, a few months will pass and you would cave again, lol. Too soft for own good, that is the trouble.

[thedownfallofus]

Yes exactly! I probably seem like a pansy but im usually a pretty tough, blunt, bitch. And i never my entire life truly cared about anyone. Idk why him, i'll never know. Guess it's hard to let the only person that can make you feel anything go in fear of feeling knumb forever.

[xxazurexx]

Yes exactly! I probably seem like a pansy but im usually a pretty tough, blunt, bitch. And i never my entire life truly cared about anyone. Idk why him, i'll never know. Guess it's hard to let the only person that can make you feel anything go in fear of feeling knumb forever.

You sound a lot like me. I am soft natured, but I can also be one of the worlds biggest and hardest bitches. Im either your best friend ever, or I make your worst enemy ever - when I'm good, I'm good, when I'm bad, I'm baaad...lol.

I dunno...do you still have feelings for him? Because I think that is why I'm such a soft cow with him, I still have feelings. Plus, he isn't really that bad of a guy and we had some great times together along with many harsh fights and arguments. He has said some really hurtful shit to me and I to him....but still, he keeps on coming back and I let him back in time after time and no matter how much time has gone by. For 3 years he has been like a frigging yoyo.....

If he left me alone and didn't return, I'd be ok. But he's the one to always make the move back and I end up caving each time.

[thedownfallofus]

Wow sounds like i wrote that, haha glad to see i'm not alone.

And when i go long periods without any interaction with him i start feeling ok with everything, like i've moved on and accept it. But everytime i see him 435734 emotions rush through me and i can't think straight. I probably just get used to lieing to myself i start to beleive it.

I think it's ironic how recently i was so proud of myself and braggin how im over him/dont love him anymore yadayadayada
SLAP IN THE FACE!

The strange things that happen and constant irony feels unreal like it's not in either of our power (im not exactly saying god cause i'm an atheist)
Idk feels like we're supposed to be together but we're both too stubborn and bipolar to work.

[MerryH]

Well, whatever, you can feel like it's a higher power or fate or whatever that's keeping you together, but I think the problem really is that you can't stand up for yourself. The emotional part of you can't even stand up to the logical part. Your heart is making your brain its bitch. Are you going to let your brain be a bitch? ARE YOU?!