She has a boyfriend...

[zapb42]

Howdy,

First of all please forgive me if this kind of topic has already been beaten to death or something. Also I'm going to use a lot of detail so if you don't want to read a big long post, you know, don't.

I was hoping to see if I could figure out the meaning of some of the things this girl has done and said with me. There is this girl I am extremely into that I sort of work with. I've never connected with a woman this well before. We talk all the time, share some very major interests, and generally have a good time together. I would do about anything to have a real relationship with her. It's really stupid I know but it is almost like a Jim/Pam thing from the Office, we goof around and all that. Scary thing is she actually identified herself as a Pam-like figure which threw me off into consternation about where I stood in the relationship.

Firstly she has a boyfriend. Just my luck, of course, but unlike about every other girl I have dealt with (it seems like) she rarely if ever talked about him or mentioned him. I mean I didn't even know for like 2 or 3 months if she even had one for sure (was obviously too pansy to ask directly.) I have gradually learned that they have been going out for probably a year and a half. She still does not mention him much, to me anyways, and a lot of the time it is to make a minor complaint about him.

It is almost like she is uncomfortable talking about him around me. Does that mean she is just that comfortable with her relationship, or is she just not that happy about it? I heard her once say "he doesn't love me like he used to." This was a couple months ago. She is also very discreet to the point of being secretive about phoning and texting him, and it seems like he is generally the one to initiate communication.

About a month ago, on the spur of the moment I asked her out to dinner, pretty much as a friendly thing. I couldn't believe it when she actually agreed. Prior to this we had gone out a few times with other people, and that was fun. Anyway it was just a fantastic time and we talked a whole lot. We do lunch together or with other people fairly often. I spend some time with her tutoring her in the evenings, and we end up talking a lot then. About two weeks after that first time we went out to eat dinner I asked her out again, what the heck? And she agreed. We went out, but on the way there (driving seperately) she ended up on the phone with her boyfriend who was not happy about it. We still sat down and ate but it was interrupted a couple of times when he called and she had to go out and talk to him. Basically it was all bad news. She wasn't supposed to hang out with me anymore. We had had plans to go to a museum that weekend, but couldn't do that anymore, etc. During that night she asked me "If you were my boyfriend, would you care if I went out with you to eat like this?" That stumped me pretty good.

Looking back maybe it wasn't really right of me to interfere in her current relationship like that. What made it worse is that she blamed herself for "not thinking things through" and I talked with her about that trying to show her that is was really my fault for asking her out in the first place. What sucks the most is that since then we haven't gotten to do anything like that again, which I felt was some of the better times I've had recently. In any case I wonder here if her going along with me for stuff like that means anything about the state of her current relationship? I was told by several people that she wouldn't have gone along with it if she was happy with her boyfriend.

A few other minor things are that she'll come in and sit down and talk a lot, she laughs at about everything I say sometimes it seems like, she makes little things for me, etc. We are constantly teasing each other, in a friendly way. We have little text conversations, some of which she initiates out of nowhere. She confides in me about school, her parents, and her career. She confided in me that her parents "hate" her boyfriend, because he has no future. She brought that point up specifically a few times in the same conversation, which threw me off again into trying to decipher why she would emphasize that. Does it bother her that the value of her relationship was challenged? Does she subconsciously want me to agree with her parents? Of course it could mean nothing at all. And yes, I realize that girls love boys who their parents hate, but shes mature enough (early 20's) that I think she would place some value on her parents feelings. She isn't a teenager. Obviously that's probably my wishful thinking.

Basically through all of this I realize I have overanalyzed every detail of what she does, trying to squeeze meaning out of it. I realized that its going to kill me if I keep trying to do that. It is my current stance that I shouldn't directly interfere in what she already has going, but can be patient and stand by waiting with the assumption that I, as the better man, will win out in the end. Every time I think that, though, I think that time is running out and I should do something to make my feelings clear. By now she should have quit hanging on to that guy if she wasn't having a good relationship...but she hasn't, what's the deal? And then I go back to the first thing and it is a vicious cycle like that. I spend entirely too much time thinking about the whole thing, and it bugs me that I can't just forget it and move on.

If I could just get some kind of outside interpretation of what the heck is going on here, I think it might help me a bit, but who knows?

Thanks in advance for any advice.

[Zilla80]

I feel your pain. I have a crush on a girl who has a boyfriend, as well. However we are not nearly as close as you two yet. We've only known each other since school started a month ago, and only talk in class.

Anyways, not much either of us can do but show them what a charming, funny, great guy they could be with without letting them have their cake and eat it too. You don't want to the one she turns to for emotional support when she doesn't get it from her boyfriend.

Basically though you have to be patient and hope someday you get your chance. GOOD LUCK and post your updates here!

[zapb42]

Thanks for the encouragement! Good luck to you in your situation as well.

[blackzj52]

i like this girl on my floor, but she hasa bf. so im kinda in a similar situation. it sucks

[Arrow]

I feel your pain. I have a crush on a girl who has a boyfriend, as well. However we are not nearly as close as you two yet. We've only known each other since school started a month ago, and only talk in class.

Anyways, not much either of us can do but show them what a charming, funny, great guy they could be with without letting them have their cake and eat it too. You don't want to the one she turns to for emotional support when she doesn't get it from her boyfriend.

Basically though you have to be patient and hope someday you get your chance. GOOD LUCK and post your updates here!

I feel your pain. I have a crush on a girl who does NOT have a boyfriend. However we are not nearly as close as you two yet. We've known each other for months, and (used to) only talk in class.

Anyways, not much either of us can do but show them what a charming, funny, great guy they could be with without letting them have their cake and eat it too. You don't want to the one she turns to for emotional support when she (most certainly) doesn't get it from the guys who date-rape her at night.

Basically though you have to be patient and hope someday you get your chance. GOOD LUCK and post your updates here!

[Zilla80]

That was...odd.

[zapb42]

I apologize again for my post being fairly long.

Anyway we since have been getting closer and closer, almost flirty really. On the one hand it is really great because I have so much fun with her. On the other it sucks so bad because it just makes me more depressed when I can't really be with her. I'm always thinking how awesome it would be if we could hang out more, but I don't press the issue because I don't think I am supposed to. But then that sucks too.

We have done lunch and such things since that one time, which surprises me, and I didn't even initiate all the time. I am in a really odd position with all of this, partly because we work together at times, but mostly because its like she has this whole other life where she has a boyfriend. She has done some really awesome things like bring me coffee and stuff like that, etc. and we are continually clowning around and hazing each other.

She seems slightly more comfortable talking about her boyfriend now, but it's still just kind of odd when she does. Like she is uncomfortable even saying his name around me. When she does it still generally is to complain about something he did or did not do. I avoid bringing him up or talking much about him but I don't entirely ignore her when she brings him up. I guess I don't want to get sucked into being the one that she dumps on about him. She has gotten kind of open talking about her life and family, etc.

The other night we were considering going and hanging out with some other people, but then she said she had to see what her boyfriend was doing first. She talked to him briefly and said she had to go over to his place and see what was going on, then basically let me know what was up. I pretty much assumed that meant we weren't going to hang out, but oh well.

No big deal, I only bring it up because she made a kind of comment as we were leaving like "wouldn't it be weird if you guys got together?" (her boyfriend and me I assume) or something kind of under her breath, and then she changed the subject. For me it would be incredibly awkward to meet the guy, let alone hang out. She's already basically said he would "hate me" because I am a guy. At any rate I'm sure that's why we ended up not hanging out that evening. Is this a really odd situation that she is so separated socially like that? I am just at a complete loss of how to approach this.

Anyway if any of that was coherent, I am really just trying to figure out what is going on here. I guess it is kind of like she has her times with me, but I am basically number 2 to her real relationship. If she wasn't happy with him I would have to imagine they would have broken up by now really. I just really get the feeling that she has a terrifically much greater time when she hangs out with me. And then I go in circles like that in my head about it. It would almost be better to just be completely rejected so I would stop thinking about it all the time.

I am already pretty much just waiting this thing out either way, since I have no idea what to do but if anyone has any solid input on what she might be thinking I would be very appreciative. Thank you for indulging me in venting/thinking out loud or whatever.

[Zilla80]

I guess it is kind of like she has her times with me, but I am basically number 2 to her real relationship. If she wasn't happy with him I would have to imagine they would have broken up by now really. I just really get the feeling that she has a terrifically much greater time when she hangs out with me.

That's exactly it. She gets to have her cake and eat it too. She gets to be with her boyfriend who she obviously cares for but whenever he's not giving her what she wants or they get in a fight she can just go to you, hang out, and have a great time.

This doesn't mean she's a bad person, she probably isn't trying to use you like this, but subconsiously she knows you'll always be there when things aren't going so well with her boyfriend.

I have been in your shoes before. I've been the sweetest, nicest, most caring, most fun, most special guy to someone who yet despite all those things stays with her asshole boyfriend. I've been an emotional crutch and never realized it until I was completely removed from the situation. And I didn't end up with the girl.

I would say to you to drop some sort of hint to her. "Is your boyfriend taking you out this week? No?? That's a damn shame..."

Or just something like ... "It's too bad you have a boyfriend, I'd love to see what could happen with us."

OR... if it's really bothering you as much as you say just sit her down and be like... "Look I really have strong feelings for you... and it kills me to be with you knowing I can't really be WITH you... I know we're really good friends but I think it'd just be best if we don't see each other as much because this is just driving me crazy.. I have to do what's best for me just the same way you think being with him is the best for you."

You HAVE to get her mind thinking "Wow he might not always be there..." cause as is... she knows, she KNOWS that you'll be right there for her.

GOOD LUCK

[Arrow]

That's exactly it. She gets to have her cake and eat it too. She gets to be with her boyfriend who she obviously cares for but whenever he's not giving her what she wants or they get in a fight she can just go to you, hang out, and have a great time.

This doesn't mean she's a bad person, she probably isn't trying to use you like this, but subconsiously she knows you'll always be there when things aren't going so well with her boyfriend.

I have been in your shoes before. I've been the sweetest, nicest, most caring, most fun, most special guy to someone who yet despite all those things stays with her asshole boyfriend. I've been an emotional crutch and never realized it until I was completely removed from the situation. And I didn't end up with the girl.

I would say to you to drop some sort of hint to her. "Is your boyfriend taking you out this week? No?? That's a damn shame..."

Or just something like ... "It's too bad you have a boyfriend, I'd love to see what could happen with us."

OR... if it's really bothering you as much as you say just sit her down and be like... "Look I really have strong feelings for you... and it kills me to be with you knowing I can't really be WITH you... I know we're really good friends but I think it'd just be best if we don't see each other as much because this is just driving me crazy.. I have to do what's best for me just the same way you think being with him is the best for you."

You HAVE to get her mind thinking "Wow he might not always be there..." cause as is... she knows, she KNOWS that you'll be right there for her.

GOOD LUCK

Or he could just request my services. Give me a name, a location and a picture. Send me $2000 in advance and I'll take care of him.

[zapb42]

Hey that's just the kind of different perspective on it I was probably looking for. You're probably right, and I've got a lot of thinking to do about it. Thanks

[Only-virgins]

Sounds like a lot of dudes are liking a lot of the taken girls. Guess it is true with women...the good ones are always taken.

[Zilla80]

Guess it is true with women...the good ones are always taken.

You got that right..