Long distance Relationship - I am so confused! :( Please really need serious advice

[JPK]

Hi guys! The post is long but I have bolded the important points! Thanks for reading!

So, firstly, I'd just like you to know me and my boyfriend have been dating for roughly 1.5 years now. It started as a long distance relationship, but in the same country, Malaysia. I was in Kuala Lumpur and he is in Penang which are 4 hours apart by drive. I am 21, and he is 20.

He was never really the romantic type and it took me a while to get used to it. If I were to point out his flaws I'd say that he JUST CAN'T hold a skype date or ensure that he will be free to come down to KL because he is just a very spontaneous person and lives in the moment (also he doesn't sync his plans with his family so many failed plans has been due to overbooking himself between me and his family which I will never ask him to choose before me). He is the same way with his friends and family. Though, he is a great boyfriend in many ways. Every chance that we got we would make it a point to come down and see each other. When we are together it's just so amazingly comfortable and he really treats me well and with respect tho sometimes his childish side comes out but I have grown to enjoy that side. Nonetheless I fell deeply in love with. I am the type of person who would love unconditionally and thus, it did not matter what he couldn't deliver such as ensuring a promised date or any romance for that fact. What is important to me is that he is a good person.

About a year after we were in a relationship I transferred to the UK to continue my degree there. Now, the time difference between Malaysia and UK was about 8 hours. Our parents had advised us to break it off so we could concentrate on our studies. We did take their advice but it was not easy fulfilling it. Just before I flew off we said we still would talk to each other and nothing would be different in that sense...But, when I got to the UK he started being so sweet and even was saying he regretted not making me a priority as he would take his time to reply my messages and so on as I said previously. So... about a week later we decided we are still together.

Things were going pretty great! Other than a few arguments that we have completely gotten past of course as any relationship would have arguments. After my first semester (4 months later) I came back for the break and saw him... Unfortunately due to his studies and my parents being asian (not allowing me to stay at his place) we could only see each other for 3 days. It was a wonderful 3 days of course

But, for him, it was not enough. The difference between me and him is that I appreciate and am very thankful for any moment that we have with each other, be it skype or physically next to each other... But as for him, he doesn't seem to be satisfied with just a few days in a year and doesn't take it positively as I do and there is nothing I can do about that.

After I had left back to the UK he seemed to have put in less effort in communication and slowly... it's like we are just friends right now and I am not really part of his life. We will skype once a week if we are lucky. In fact, he told me that I am part of his life when I am physically there... but otherwise.. well you get the point. He isn't cheating on me or anything because this boy is brutally honest and he would tell me anything he does wrong even if he knows I will nag him about it.

The thing that is running in my head right now is during a skype session, we talked about him seeming bored and uninterested in the relationship and he had admitted that he kinda was. This was the convo:

ME: You seem just bored of the relationship now. When I skype with you, you don't even take any effort to go into the conversation and all you do is scroll through facebook

HIM: That is what you see; that I don't make an effort but I do. It's 3am now, I woke up at 6am today and only came home at 11pm. We started skyping at 12am till now... The only thing that is running in my mind is I need to sleep.

(PS: He usually doesn't pay much attention when we skype but that day was just 0% interest in talking to me)

ME: I know... thanks for staying up for me... you even slept late last night... But I would have preferred if you had just told me you were tired... you are bored of me right?

HIM: To be honest yes... I am a bit bored of the same old skype session and not being able to be next to you and just...yeah

ME:.....

HIM:... Do you know why I haven't said "hey I am kinda bored of this relationship, let's break up."? It's because I have faith in you that one day, I will appreciate your unconditional love and I would have the same feeling for you that you have for me and I would love you so much.

We had agreed about 6 months into the relationship that I actually love him more than he loves me... and I am ok with that... Just, I am always so sad that my boyfriend doesn't treat me like a girlfriend and I am just so so confused... I think he loves me but maybe not enough??? Because he would still be on the phone with me if I had a problem and be there for me but.... It's just not the same... I am so confused because when I ask him if he loves me he says yes but to me his actions don't really justify what am i to do???? I am sorry for the long post and thanks for reading guys! Really appreciate it!

[Wakeup]

He told you the problem.. He is bored with the skype interaction and it especially so when he's dead tired from not sleeping and can't be bothered with the skype session when he's in that condition.

You don't want to hear it but you are wasting your time with him and he with you. Concentrate on your studies and getting a good career going and then, you can find someone where you end up working instead of having non-satisfying too far away to enjoy or nurture relationships like this one.

[JPK]

Yeah... that is hard to hear. I guess we both don't want to break up but seems as though the situation may very well be begging for it... Thanks for you input, I will think it through

[TheEvilJester]

I will add that I agree with Wakeup. It is easy to say that he should put more effort into the relationship. Honestly, that is my personal knee-jerk, gut reaction. However, the honest truth of the matter is long distance CAN be really hard on a relationship. I mean, honest to God, I don't think I could personally do it. So, I can kind of understand how he feels. To you, it may seem amazing and wonderful anytime you can even spend a little bit of time together even just on a Skype chat.

To him, maybe that just isn't enough. Maybe it isn't enough to him to have a girlfriend he can basically only ever see on his computer screen. Hence, when you are excited to have a Skype call with him, all he can think is he is exhausted and needs to get some sleep. It isn't enough for him anyway, so it almost seems pointless to him to bother, and it makes him unable to seem like he is putting in effort. Does that mean he's bored WITH YOU? No, not necessarily. That could be possible, but to be honest with you, the little you shared of his words to you makes me believe he's not bored WITH YOU. He's bored with a relationship where he cannot be physically close to his girlfriend. In other words, it wouldn't have mattered WHO his girlfriend was, he'd be bored of the situation all the same.

So, the good news there is it probably has very little, if anything, to do with you. I know that is of little comfort when a relationship you enjoyed is perhaps ending, but at least take solace in the fact that you didn't do anything to cause him to stop caring, nor vice versa. For now, it seems this long distance is just too hard on you both. For now, it would likely be best just to go your separate ways.

And, hey, that's not saying you can't consider re-visiting it if and when there comes a time where the long distance thing is no longer a problem. IF it just so happens that it ceases to be a problem in time for you both to still be single, then feel free to try it again if you both wish to do so. However, for now neither of you should put your lives on hold for a relationship that just can't fulfill your needs right now. It is sad for something like distance to end what could have otherwise been a good relationship, but being so far apart from each other, it may just not be enough. If you two don't end it, the distance itself could wind up causing hurt feelings that you both don't deserve.

Good luck to you. I hope everything works out for you both.

[JPK]

Thank you so much for your opinion.

Update: I couldn't really bring myself to break up with him. I have asked for a "break" and I think it is working out. He definitely is not bored of me, he isn't very good with expressing his feelings so I tend to get a bit too insecure and feel that it is my fault. Luckily we have a very understanding relationship and talk things out as much as we can.

He was a little down when I had mentioned a break but so far it seems better. We have promised to focus on ourselves and do our best in life. But, at the same time we are keeping in touch when we have the time and do not force it. I used to force it a lot and I suppose that really put a lot of stress on me.

We will meet up when I go back for the summer holidays it feels good that we are both trying to be the best versions of ourselves even without being able to be with each other. I have a lot of faith in this relationship... Again thanks for your input guys.

Cheers,
<3

[TheEvilJester]

That is good to hear. One way or the other, being actively together is really difficult at such long distance and can just wind up putting too much stress on the relationship. If taking a break works for you two, then that is great. Just be sure you are both very clear and agree on what exactly "taking a break" means. But, if it works for you to sort of put things on the back burner for now with the assumption that you'll get back together when distance is no longer a problem, then go for it. I wish you the best.

It CAN certainly help to have the pressure off of feeling like you HAVE to be in touch as much as possible because you are in a relationship. Now you two have taken that pressure off of yourselves and are doing things more casually. So, hopefully that will help. It can still be difficult, but it is not impossible. Good luck to you. I hope it works out for you both.