difficult situation

[Lynda]

Hi,

I've found out something monday about my boyfriend. I found pictures in his briefcase . They were about his wedding he was forced into last november.He went on vacation to see his parents in france and then when to algeria to see his family. let me explain. He is Algerian and I'm canadian. He told me when we started dating a year ago, that he was single for about 4 months. he told me that an ex of his threatened him to commit suicide if he didn't marry her andleft her. She knew his parents and family since it's a small city in algeria. Well the pics i found where of him and that girl getting married, there are only about 10 pics. when he came home I confronted him that night and he said that he's been wanting to tell me for a while and that, it's an arranged marrage. that it's the girl that threatend him and she went to him parents and he told them that if he didn't marry her she would kill herself. So his parents said that he has no choice but to marry her. He swore that he never kissed her and that he hasn't slept with her either. I could see that from the look in his eyes and the way he answered that he was telling me the truth.in the pics I could see that he never seams to look at her directly and that he puts a ring on her finger but is not even looking at her and he doesn't even have a ring on his finger in any of the pics. and he only as on guy witness and his parents and his friend is wearing a leather jacket and jeans and his parents aren't dressed for a wedding. He has a normal suit on and she's the only one that has a real wedding dress.

my bf has been so caring and always thinking about me and taking care of me since the beginning. He has so much respect for me and he would never do anything to heart me. So that's why i'm confused

My other problem is that i found some papers that he filled for immigration to have her come to canada. I was very hurt . he told me that he didn't have a choice that she wouldn't be able to have a life in algeria anymore that her family would reject her and no man would want to marry her. He made a deal with her so she could have a better life here. But I must admite it really made me cry my brains out. I told him that he is nuts that he is naive if he thinks that she will come here in peace and just leave him alone , that's not going to happen, she's obssessed with him. I told him that she will manipulate him and make his life miserable and that she will find any excuse to always need you to have a shoulder to cry on etc....

I said I hope you didn't intend on going to pick her up at the airport and have her live in your appartment and he said well yes where else is she supposed to go. I told him to just forget that it won't happen, i will not accept that at all. i even told him that he should cancel the immigration stuff. i told him that no one will know why the request was refused but you since you are the one that made the demande. But he didn,t seem willing to do it. I told him he will be responsable for her for 3 years. she will come between us, she will never accept that you have a gf. she will cause us problems it will be a living hell.
I told him to promise me that he will not keep anything from me concerning the girl and that any decision that needs to be made or what solution we should take, that we will take together. he said yes.

Well that was monday, ever since i've been crying when i'm alone and I keep looking at the pics and they make me cry even more. I told him we need to talk more because i have a lot of questions and worries that need to be answered. he said yes we will. Well saturday he's coming over and I need to talk about it cause i've been really sad inside. I cry every night looking at the pics and just imagining them.

I know you will all say you are so naive or stupid, just get reed of the guy. but could this situation be reall? I've seen his brother and his friends and I asked him if his parents knew about me (they live in France) he said yes of course. He has met my mother and my sister and we went on vacation with his brother and december 15th we are going to florida and next year to France to see his parents and brothers and sisters.

I just need some of your opinions cause i don't want to be had. if you know of some questions i can ask him that will confirm his is saying the truth of not.

thanks Lynda

[Boisdevie]

Words fail me. You should tell him to **** off.

[VincenzoG91]

I'm sorry that you are dealing with such a shocking and crappy situation. You don't fully realize yet, but this relationship is over. What has happened is too extreme and ridiculous, and you need to break up and move on. There will be five stages to handling this situation, and none of them involve this guy staying together with you:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

The stages will tend to overlap. At times, you've already made it to stage 4, but then there are times where you are slipping all the way back to stage 1. But ultimately, you need to accept that your boyfriend is not your boyfriend anymore, that he has done a ridiculous thing and caused you great pain. Most likely, he really did marry this woman, and it doesn't even matter why, it just means that your relationship is over. Even if he just did it to help this woman become a Canadian citizen, the fact remains that he was willing to cause you great pain for the sake of another woman. Or maybe he did lie, but that is horrible lie to tell you, and still means that for all practical purposes, he isn't your boyfriend anymore.

[Wakeup]

she's obssessed with him.

Look who calls the kettle black. Dear, you are obsessed with a married man that strings you along. Now, if you want to be the other woman who he comes to for sexual fun on the odd occassion, then that's your perogative. Just stop thinking that you're the main squeeze when clearly this man is doing everything possible to be with his bride.

If you settle to be the other women then you need to learn to be with him on his terms and you need to be able to share him sexually. If you can't do that then stop complaining and get out of the situation you have found yourself in. The man you love is not who you believe he is.

[Lynda]

[thank you for being kindfull and choosing your words so i dont feel worse.

I m going to have a serious talk with him saturday ight he s coming over for supper. We spend about 5 fays a week together. Anyways just to thank you for not blasting me like the other poeple. I truly dont undeestand what s going on. I see that he is hurting over rhis which makes it worse fir me to make a decison. I will decide after iur talk and i will let tou know what happened.


Lynda





QUOTE=VincenzoG91;829094]I'm sorry that you are dealing with such a shocking and crappy situation. You don't fully realize yet, but this relationship is over. What has happened is too extreme and ridiculous, and you need to break up and move on. There will be five stages to handling this situation, and none of them involve this guy staying together with you:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

The stages will tend to overlap. At times, you've already made it to stage 4, but then there are times where you are slipping all the way back to stage 1. But ultimately, you need to accept that your boyfriend is not your boyfriend anymore, that he has done a ridiculous thing and caused you great pain. Most likely, he really did marry this woman, and it doesn't even matter why, it just means that your relationship is over. Even if he just did it to help this woman become a Canadian citizen, the fact remains that he was willing to cause you great pain for the sake of another woman. Or maybe he did lie, but that is horrible lie to tell you, and still means that for all practical purposes, he isn't your boyfriend anymore.[/QUOTE]

[VincenzoG91]

Good luck. But don't get your hopes too high. If he really loved you, this wouldn't have happened. Maybe he loves her. Maybe he loves his family so much that he does whatever they tell him to do. But he doesn't love you. Hear what he has to say, but don't let him persuade you that there is anything even remotely acceptable about this situation.

[smackie9]

Me personally I wouldn't tolerate it. Foot to ass then out to the curb.

[Lynda]

I had a long discusion saturday and he said that his decision to marry her to help her out came a few months before we met and that when he met me he wasnt really ready to have a serious relationship because of the bad situation with his ex. He told me when we first met about an ex who said that she would kill hereself if he didnt stay with her . He has also said after a few months that he has never loved a girl before( i asked him) he said he is very sorry and that he never wanted to hurt me. He wants to be with me he said. Im not trying to make excuses but he comes from a bad child hood. He was beatened by his father every day and was sexually abused and ever since i ve known him he has always been good to everyone so much that i tell him constantly to stop trying to save the world that he doesnt have to give money to everyone or alwya help them out. He has a lot of past bagage. I told him he should see a therapist. He said he will think about it.

Bottom line i see the hurt in hos eyes and i see the love he has for me.

I dont expect anyone to understand cause i would surely react the same way you are.

I will keep you posted

Thks lynda

[dinazcolada]

Oh Lynda,
I'm so sorry this has happened to you. It sounds like he didn't want it to happen, but he was pressured by her, his family and his culture. It's not fair to you.

I can't imagine what you are going through.

Even though it sounds like he loves, you, he lied to you about a very big thing, and this is not OK even if there are cultural differences. He lied to you about this, so you've got t really consider if you really want to be with him. If he lied about this, there is probably nothing that he wouldn't lie about.

You will be the other women when she comes to your country.

Please prepare yourself and please get a therapist or a life coach. It will help you. Please get any support you can get and take care of yourself. I would not want t be with a man who would lie to me about something this major!

I wish you the best and you may love him, but being with him will only hurt you more. You must love yourself first.

[Boisdevie]

I dont expect anyone to understand cause i would surely react the same way you are.

I will keep you posted

Gosh, you really are that stupid aren't you?