Pivotal Moment: Am I experiencing cold feet, or worse?

[LostMan]

I have been with my fiancé for 18 months. We dated for just over a year when I proposed. Our plan was to be engaged for another year, and we are about halfway there. The wedding planning hasn’t gone very well. I don’t know if I am being difficult (I don’t think so), but from her perspective, I can see why she is frustrated. We can’t seem to pick a location (or a venue). Our families live multiple states away. The irony is, neither of us have a “strong opinion” on where we get married. Our decisions seem to revolve more around money, who is going to be there, or the fact that neither of us have a strong opinion (I think that last part is the crux of our problem).

She has stated that I haven’t done my share in providing suggestions. I have provided some non-specific ideas, but not specific venues. Partly this is because I like her taste better than mine. Honestly, it is also because I know she cares a WHOLE LOT more than I do about the venue. I should probably admit that I sort of want her to just “tell me what she wants,” and we can make it happen. She wants to pay for things, and has a meticulous budget, etc. While we can easily afford more, she doesn’t want to spend more than ‘X.’ Trying to plan a wedding on a tight budget (whether or not you really have to stick to that budget) is stressing me out. A part of me wants to just pay for it (all of our money will be in the same pocket after that day, right?). We don’t really argue about money, with our occasional “disagreement” stemming from the fact that I enjoy spending money. If we can do that responsibly, I don’t see what the problem is.

We haven’t fought or argued very much in our relationship. I think we have had “serious disagreements” requiring any sort of “cool down” twice ever – I think we both were in the wrong – both times. Our only regular (and minor) disagreement revolves around her pet. Without providing too much detail, we disagree on a lot (feeding, how much, discipline, what should be allowed, etc). This concerns me as I think it is a “glimpse” into the challenges we may encounter as parents.

We communicate a great deal. Most times, it seems we have almost everything in common. I think the only activities/hobby area where we are misaligned may be in our physical activity. She claims to like the things I do, but is disinterested when it comes time to do most of them. I have no problem doing them alone, but it does make me wonder…

I was married once, and I “ignored” the gut feelings that I had, resulting in a multiple-year nightmare. I took plenty of time to heal, and know exactly what I want now. I have a great career, own a home, have no debt, and I feel like I have a good head on my shoulders. I don’t NEED anyone to make me happy, but I have a long term goal of a fulfilling relationship, and eventually children.

The last “red flag” is that a few of my friends have “called me out” for compromising my goals/values/etc. While my immediate family & coworkers say they have never seen me happier, I have to wonder if these friends are seeing something that I am not. When we start talking about specifics, I don’t agree with them. I do feel like 98% of every minute is happiness, but this wedding stuff is stressing us out.

All of that said I am having a very hard time figuring out if the knot in my stomach is cold feet or something worse. Sorry for jumping around so much. Clearly this was written in the state of consciousness.

[marshawna1]

i believe that your just having cold feet,the way you talk about your fiance it sounds like you love her very much and you just want her to be a princess for the wedding and have whatever she wants, but little things like pets and her might not wanting to take a hike or whatever physical activities you like to do, i dont think thats anything to be concerned of, that dosent mean you guys wont make great parents, and hopefully she'll start doing activites with you together, but about the wedding you are definetely just having cold feet and i dont know any man who has ever been engaged that had friends that told him that he should get married, i think that just goes with the territory...good luck!!!! and congratulations!!!!!

[Gigabitch]

Planning a wedding is the test that tells whether or not you're going to be able to handle being married to each other. Believe me, the way the both of you are acting right now is a good prediction of how the rest of your lives together will be.

Take a good, long look. Then act on a decision. Either you want this or you don't. If you want it, for God's sake, participate. Think about what this looks like from her side- it looks like she's dragging you over the finish line.