Am i sabotaging my relationship because of my own insecurities

[sailorjerry1986]

My name is jerry. Ive been quite the player throughout my early twenties. Now i am 28 and haven't had a lot of long term, actually 5 months is my longest relationship.
3 months ago i met Kaleigh( who is 25), and for the first time I'm thinking about marriage. This girl just makes me want the whole life, marriage, and kids thing. I'm just crazy about her. Here is the thing.

She was married for 5 years and has a daughter. Her husband and her split by mutual decision and he kicked her out of the house 6 months ago.. They lived in washington and now she is back home living at her parents, getting back onto her feet. We spend everyday together and she is always so reassuring and ready to talk things out when I have insecurities. lately i feel like im just sabotaging things. Here are the three things that are getting under my skin and making me uncomfortable.
1) she hasn't started the divorce process because her and her "husband" aren't financially ready. I know they don't see each other and she told him she has a BF now.
2) she hasn't told her family about me, and we say we love each other and want to get married someday. Even when her parents asked her about her BF she denied it.
3) this may sound trite...but I always take pictures of us and post them, and do sweet things for her. But she posted a picture of us ONCE on instagram and then took it off two days later. She said it's not because she is hiding me but because she looked bad in the picture. since then she has posted pictures of our group when we go out together, and when we go to the gym together, she will only take pictures of her and her friends and post them. It makes me feel like shit because I post things about her with really sweet captions, have told my parents about her, and have no previous marriages.
I have a history of pushing people away, and I feel like I may be being too hard on her.

[dontaskme]

Maybe she's scared that the husband would use her current relationship against her in the divorce proceedings when it does happen and things can really go against her.

Different states have different laws in terms of divorce (division of property, who was at fault, child custody, etc.).

Or you can just ask her the reason for keeping you under the radar.

[katyk]

Its never the best idea to get involved with someone who is still married. Too many complications and as previous said....it may complicate things in the divorce courts if you are on the scene? She may not want to involve you in it? Messy business, which gets even messier when a third party enters. You might love her but try to take a step back until she is actually divorced. I don't know how it works in US so don't know how costly it is....if she were in UK I would say its a cop out and perhaps she doesn't really want a divorce? (but that's because it can be done reasonably cheaply here).

[basilandthyme]

Your feelings of unease due to two things: 1. your gut telling you that you're rushing things and 2. you're recognising that her behaviour is a bit off.

Mate, you've only been with her for 3 months. While I'm sure your feelings for each other are intense, you're still at the infatuaion stage. Put off the thoughts of marriage for a couple of years yet. Remind yourself to temper your enthusiasm with a good dose of reality.

[dontaskme]

Its never the best idea to get involved with someone who is still married. Too many complications and as previous said....it may complicate things in the divorce courts if you are on the scene? She may not want to involve you in it? Messy business, which gets even messier when a third party enters. You might love her but try to take a step back until she is actually divorced. I don't know how it works in US so don't know how costly it is....if she were in UK I would say its a cop out and perhaps she doesn't really want a divorce? (but that's because it can be done reasonably cheaply here).

It's expensive even if the divorce is amicable ($400-600/hr legal fees for the larger states), but it's not so much the cost of the divorce one has to worry about but what the person can lose in the process specially child custody which is the center of the battle most of the time for younger couples.

It is possible that the husband of the OP's girlfriend will accuse her of being an unfit mother for exposing their child in her relationship/s when she's not even divorced yet and the court can award custody to the father.

[katyk]

Yes dontaskme...I can see it is very different in the US ....The courts in Britain favour the custodial parent and will generally not judge because the custodial parent has a new partner...not unless there are grounds such as drug taking/ violence etc. It also doesn't cost a huge amount and we still have a legal aid system so I will bow out of this one.

[TablesandChairs]

If she had concerns about disclosing the relationship for legal reasons, then couldn't she just say that? 'Hey I'm not posting pictures right now because I don't want my ex snooping or knowing too much about my life. Things will change once things are finalised'. Simple.

[woody]

Yes this is 'delicate' stage for her and she must be careful to NOT give the ex any possible ammunition.
There is a child involved here and her daughter must take precedence. Even if the ex husband seems amicable in their divorce, I can assure you, if shit does hit the fan, Your presence in their life can be used against them.

You must assure yourself that her actions or lack of posting pics isn't a personal attack on you nor does it mean she's not into you completely. It simply means she must exercise extreme caution in this fragile stage of a divorce.

Stop over thinking and stop doubting your self. If you and her feel a connection then you do. What's the rush for labels anyway? If your with her and wish to be with her and she you, then that's just it. No need for rushing.
Be patient and understanding. She is trying to get free and clear of her ex. She will not do anything to negatively affect custody. She is a Mother and Mothers won't take risks regarding their children. Period.

This relationship is young. Getting in the middle of a custody/divorce is never easy but if the love is there and strong, you will all find a way through this.
Back in the day, we didn't have online sites to post pics on. To me, it's no big deal. You shouldn't make it one either.
You like this lady, you like her child too, then keep it simple and be compassionate to her situation.
She will do nothing to rock the boat. She can't. This is her child and even if it seems silly to keep you somewhat hidden, understand, she has her reasons.