Struggling to trust and need a male perspective...

[birdofthenorth]

I don't want to write a long blurb so I will keep this limited to stating that I have a great relationship with someone who has acknowledged they want to be in a long term committed relationship with me (that does not mean we are planning anything, just that we pretty much only want to be with each other as we let the relationship develop). All is well but I am really struggling with trust. I don't feel that he would/will cheat on me, but I feel as though he could be the sort to lie to me to avoid conflict. Such as tell me he is going to bed when really a female acquaintance is coming over.... I am not really the paranoid jealous type but I will acknowledge that it takes me longer than most people to get comfortable and really trust someone. He has not done anything concrete that really screams red flag. There was recently an incident but once we talked calmly about it he understood how i felt and what I needed and chose to do the right thing without my asking him to make that choice. At least to my knowledge he did. Again, I really don't think he has any intention of purposefully hurting me. BUT, I can't shake this feeling that something is always not what it seems. He is always affectionate and loving toward me, tells me he is very happy we finally got together and yet I can't shake this stupid feeling....
Is it my instinct saying something is amiss or is it just pure fear because we are getting to the phase of our relationship where something greater than a friend bond is being established and I might have to choke up the L word at some point??? (btw, I am his first real, adult relationship although neither of us are children anymore....)
Thanks

[ambaint]

You have to trust somebody unitl they do something to lose your trust.
If you've been burned in the past you can't tag everyone the same way, if you haven't you miight want to figure out why you feel the need not to trust in the first place.
However, follow your instinct, but don't be crazy and if you're going to be, it's only going to cause issue anyway... See what I'm saying.
I have unrelenting trust for my gf's unless they do otherwise to make me think that way.
Hope this helps

[xxazurexx]

I agree.

It's always better to trust and until they give you a good enough and a solid enough reason to distrust them.

You can't just imagine/assume someone may up to no good and when you have no proof.

And 'paranoia' will result in being the 'killer' of your relationship.

[birdofthenorth]

I think you are right that I am more than likely just bringing the past and the "what if's" into our relationship and that is not fair. It does feel silly and I know how it makes me feel to not be trusted. S'pose I shall have to spend some time on introspection...
Appreciate the responses

[Mr. Turtle]

THE WORST THING YOU CAN DO TO AN INNOCENT MAN IS ACCUSE HIM. I say that in caps because this game we as sexes play is confused by the fact that we honestly dont know if someone is really into us. And that causes hysteria. Some have gone off the deep end and thats what we see, i.e., guys and girls wanting to sleep with everything and use them because they would rather be the user than the used. That is only 8% of the population. I truly believe that the masses are looking for the same type of acceptance and love. Its okay to have the feeling of not putting forth 100% trust to PROTECT yourself, but that can EASILY turn into something that CONTROLS you. That is not good. Like I tell my girl friends, "Ride the wave and enjoy it. Don't ride it with the idea that it will crash." If you constantly look for blemish, you will find it. Thats why we only pay attention to the people who are out there being dumb and we dont see the successful girl in the book store who asked the clerk out and made it or the guy at the taco stand who went on a limb and got the girl he only met because she ordered his favorite burrito. I have a thing for burrito and taco stands lol. GOOD LUCK, CHIN UP! Give it your all and it will work out for you no matter what the outcome.

[Regnent]

Like others have said, trust first. Not blindly, but don't be a freak about it.

On top of that, if you want to foster truthfullness, don't be a spaz. (I'm not calling you one)
I love my wife, but, for example, I keep my browsing history clear now because of her. I have no interest in her knowing what I'm doing on the internet. Why? Because she went ballistic on me for 2 days, then just plain snarky for 2 weeks because I watch net porn. Young this, or anal that, whatever.

Don't give him a reason to -want- to hide things. Acting like you don't trust him, will just give him a reason to not reveal anything that -might- give you a reason.

[birdofthenorth]

I think all of you are absolutely right...
Thanks for the feedback

[Ric]

I have some extreme trust and paranoia issues myself, so I can understand the feeling.

However, you need to ignore those feelings.
Trust is very important in a relationship. And not trusting is useless unless you have an actual reason. The only thing you'll do is drive yourself crazy. When you ask he'll say nothing is wrong, but you won't believe his answer. So at that point the only answer that sounds right to you is an answer you don't want.
The only way to get out of that nasty circle is to just put ignore your trust issues. Take his word and be happy with that.

Of course this isn't an easy thing to do, but it's the only way.

[SelflessnHumble]

Your 1st mistake? You talk as if HE is calling the shots, and you appear to be the passive one in this 2 way street.
See, read this:

-BEING in a long term/committed relationship and
-*Wanting* to be in a long term/committed relationship is an entirely different animal altogether.

When a man says he would like to be: it means he isn't sure and that he will likely act on an opportunity to sleep with another woman rather
than take responsibility/liability and be held accountable for his actions: that a committed relationship stipulates by default...

You have your woman's intuition: use it.
If he cannot commit to you and only you: there is a reason for it period no excuses.

While I commend you if you are actually choosing to take the time to allow your relationship to grow (as it should over time)
you should be sure of him before giving yourself unless you have already, at which point then ask yourself what else do you have to offer him?

If he hasn't given you a reason to doubt his truthfulness then perhaps you're the one cheating around OR you are the one with trust issues.
In which case it's not fair to him is it?

[birdofthenorth]

All good points Selfless
To clarify though...
1. We have acknowledged that we consider ours to be a committed, exclusive relationship. Just not interested in establishing an outline of what the next couple of years holds in store for us
2. I absolutely have trust issues. I am honest about it and am working very hard to get past it. To be fair though, it is not a horrible situation. I don't have issues when he goes out with his friends for "guys" night even though in my past, the typical guys night events would have not been okay with me. I also did not make a deal out of it when he stayed at a female friend's house when he went out of town. I am not completely irrational.
3. I raised this question because there were some behaviours that made me question whether or not I should be trusting my boyfriend. For instance, he used to turn his phone away from me whenever he got a text/call. It was weird. And he used to, sometimes still does, act in something of a secretive manner. Bothered me a lot. I do not look over his shoulder. I don't ask 50 questions. Etc... And I am never ever secretive of anything nor do I ever feel as though I can't leave my phone where he could see it.... Recently, he wanted to hang out with a female friend that I had met once and only very briefly. I was cool when he said they were getting dinner, a couple drinks that weekend, but not so cool when he said they were going to his house afterward. Something just did not sit right with me. He wanted all of his guy friends and their wives/ gf's to meet me. Why was this girl an exception? I was not comfortable and was honest about it. I get firey and emotional, so yes, I initially approached him about it all wrong. Something I have to work on. He could not understand my position at all until we talked about it the next day when we were both calm. I was ready to split because to me, the situation was exposing a gap in our values/principles. Which is fine. We both deserve to be happy. But we ended the conversation well and he seemed to respect how I felt even if he thought it was silly. Later that evening we talked a bit about it again and he told me he had called his friend to tell her it would be drinks and dinner only and that it would have to be friday. I did not ask this of him, but it was obviously him showing his respect for and value of me. Well, she cancelled on him when the weekend came around.
So, he spent friday with me instead. The next day he had to work, but after had dinner with me and another couple. He was antsy, checked his phone alot, etc... When I dropped him off at his house, he was on his phone again before he put his key in the door. Then within ten minutes I had a text message that he had opted to skip the things he was going to do and landed in bed and was going to sleep. (not entirely unusual for him to go to sleep early, even on a saturday, especially after working). I was already feeling paranoid, and that just put me over the edge. I did not react. I have yet to say anything to him. At all. I knew I had to let it go. But I did not sleep the whole weekend I was full of anxiety.
I don't doubt his sincerity in his feelings, nor do I believe he has any intention of being harmful to me in any way. I believe that it was just hard for him to make a sacrifice for me. He's never had to do that for someone before. But I don't want to be a dummy either.

[SelflessnHumble]

Let me ask you this: When did he KNOW for sure that you had these issues with feeling inadequate/jealousy?
I hope I'm wrong here but it sounds as though it's possible he is using how you feel against you in order to do something he maybe shouldn't.

In a relationship: (which you deemed serious and committed) Having Trust is a natural by product of the feeling you give and receive
that exude security/confidence and self happiness from within yourself as a testament to a healthy relationship.

If yours is not? Then suffice to say you've moved much too quickly being in a committed relationship when it's possible neither of you are ready for one.

Let me tell you bluntly and frankly here;
I used to hide my phone, put on passwords and essentially hide shit: and invoked my already established girlfriend's jealousy towards
me having other women in my life...all in the name of, "she's my friend." It's a bullshit excuse I've used very often. Think about it.

If I know of your unsettling feelings...and I exploit them (in other words I throw them in your face) this way:

(1) I get my way (in this case seeing someone, or hiding my phone....and IF you should detect anything:
(2) I shove it in your face knowing full well it is going to hurt you AND push you away from asking more questions out of fear of

"pissing me off." <------------Cowardly pieces of shit do this. It's called refusing to be held accountable for his actions.


In conclusion: since you take issue with what he CHOSE to do of his own free will: Call him on it.
Not in an arguing way, not in a psycho emotional way. Sit him down, look him in the eye (write it out if you have to in advance) and tell him
how what he does (and be specific) hurts you.

If you address it like an emotionally irrational person: he will use THIS against you and never face you like an adult. But...
IF you address these concerns with reason, calmness and humility...His choices are slim to none:

-Address your concerns and resolve them because he values your relationship OR?
-He will choose to invalidate them...and IF he does this?

He does not love you.
He does not respect you. See that?
From this moment on: should you decide to stay with a man who doesn't value his woman?

That's on you.
I suspect you never approached him in this calm manner before, but if you did?
This means he didn't take you seriously and walked over you: even worse you may have (by your tacit agreement) tell him:
"I don't mind: do whatever you want dear." Even though he may have put an idea in your head: YOU chose to go with it.

Choosing you over his friend isn't a sacrifice, k?
There is a reason why people have friendships...
Most people know the inherent boundaries and respect their partner unless a preexisting relationship had been already established.
He shouldn't have to choose between his girl and a friend: however what you must realize is:

He may not wish to stop seeing her. (His choice, not yours)
Your choice is: "Do I wish to put up with this bullshit and allow this man to do whatever he wishes while invalidating my existence?" (not his choice) See?

His behavior on the phone doesn't denote a cheater....but they are suspicious. I think I just had flashbacks!

I feel bad for you in that you didn't get to sleep and had anxiety over this...but guess what?
You chose to feel this way...so own it. Don't put it on him: put it on your reaction to his actions and confront him
in a peaceful manner and you will find out how he truly feels about you.

[Tashi]

I go with the "don't accuse an innocent man" suggestion.

I have a girlfriend (in depression, now hitting the 2 year mark... Been here before about this actually), and it causes her to lose trust in everyone. Friends, family, everything. And the one thing that hurts the most, is having your love accuse you of something. I sometimes have to stay for longer hours at school, and she immediatly assume it's because I met someone. If I have to go somewhere at evening, regardless of what proof I have that it have nothing to do with an affair, she still thinks this is the case. This is a different scenario altogether, because she is in a bad mental condition, which is why my Doctor posed two options: Stick with her, and risk my own health, or let her go for a while, to further risk hers. I choose the former, because I know there is a good reason for her lack of trust - But if she was perfectly fine, I'd leave instantly. I would hate to submit myself to a girl who dictates my every move, and constantly interogates me because she suspects disloyal behavior from me.

So in short: Don't worry too much. Trusting blindly in someone is bad, but not trusting at all is worse. You are causing stress for both of you, and it will, as already stated, be the "killer" of your relationship. Mistrust leads to more mistrust, and in the end, things are bound to go bad. Just my 2-cents

[SelflessnHumble]

Tashi ^^^ I know how it feels to stay with someone who has depression or other mental issues.

The thing you have to ask yourself is, "Am I going to stay with someone who allows what happened to them in the past: dictate what happens in the present/future?

I'm a product of an abusive home, ghetto environment which included thievery, violence, drugs and murder.
B-laming other people for MY problems (due to action/inaction at the time of the trauma) is what I was exceedingly good at.

I found that when I wanted to push someone away...all I had to do was invoke my physical manifestations of my mentally ill self...
and I could get away with refusing to deal with MY issues (that unfortunately affected EVERYONE else around me) = collateral damage.

There is a reason for your woman's lack of trust.
And while it sounds cool that she can just blame someone or something else for her issues: the mind's power of thought and suggestion work FASTER than our mouths do.

This means that even though she has a predisposition to distrust....At the moment before opening her mouth and accusing you of things: SHE has the CHOICE to STOP her tendency to ________ and control her issues.

She CHOOSES not to. See that?
You are essentially enabling her behavior because you don't challenge the outcome: (which btw: allows her to act out as she has always done...)

[Incognito]

Anyone who has been on LF for a good amount of time has seen this before. Your boyfriend is meeting another woman for dinner and drinks and was supposed to take her back to his place? Wow, he is BOLD. There is no room for situations like that in a committed relationship. He may have female friends, that is fine for some people, but those friendships have lines that should not be crossed. You need to define those lines and drop him if he crosses them again. As selflessnhumble said people love to make excuses and hate to take responsibility.

I personally have NO female friends. When I got engaged I told all of them that we would only be talking every so often and that if there was a problem with that we could not stay in contact at all. Why did I do that? Respect for my future wife and as a way to resist temptation. Men>>>> generally<<<<< aren't friends with a woman who they wouldn't have sex with. I was no exception, so I removed the possibility of that situation ever happening.

It is also disturbing that you said that "he respected how I feel even though he thought it was silly". If he thought it was silly he didn't respect how you felt, he simply smiled and nodded to shut you up. So this guy stays at a female friend's house when out of town, takes other women to dinner, and is secretive with his phone calls and texts. Wow... It sounds like you will be his learning experience when it comes to relationships. It sounds like he is still in that immature 'I can't commit or compromise' phase that so many young men find themselves in. If he keeps this stuff up I'd say just throw him back because there are plenty more more mature fish out there.

[birdofthenorth]

Well, I must say that as helpful as I found what all of you had to say, I got very upset after reading it.
I am not a miserable, depressed girl. I am a happy, intelligent, woman. I do have a difficult time trusting people as a result of things from my youth, it takes me a very long time and is never inherent, but I always take this into account. I have spoken with my BF about these things and he usually does his best to be compassionate and understanding (this did not become an issue and so forth until approx. five months ago when we transitioned from casually dating to relationship). He listens when I talk. Even when I have thought he wasn't paying attention to the trivial conversations we've had about nothing, he always seems to end up proving he was listening.
I posted because I do not want to ruin my relationship. I began having a hard time separating real issues from my personal trust issues ever since I developed genuine feelings for my boyfriend. And the relationship is honestly a good one for both of us. He is more often than not, very loving, caring, and affectionate toward me in word and deed. His problem is that he is used to doing what he wants at all times because he has never had to take someone else into consideration before. He has had a couple of girlfriends but from what I know of the situations, they were not at all what I would call a serious relationship. So, as much as that might sound like an excuse, I think most people would for the most part agree that until you have been through one, you don't ever really know what a relationship entails... I did everything wrong my first couple times round also.
After reading all of these posts I decided the best I could do with how I was feeling was to just let him know exactly how I felt and what I was thinking exactly as I felt it and thought it. I kicked diplomacy to the curb if you will. I started out calm enough but my emotions got the better of me for sure and before I knew it, the stubborn people we are, were fighting. And, as awful as that sort of is, at the end it was the right thing because it forced me to stop trying to be in control and just let my real emotions out in a very real way. He was able to see how hurt I was and he was able to register what I was trying to convey. Both of us dropped our defenses, even if it was just for a little while. We acknowledged needing to work on some things but I think we have a good start. He definitely showed me that he does not want to lose me.
SO, there is still a journey ahead of me but I suppose a thank you is in order for giving me a push to do what needed to be done.