Opinions and help please!

[inAbadSPOT]

Hi everyone.

So i have been in a relationship for 4 years and we have been engaged for two. we have a house together and a beautiful 9mo old baby girl. She is the most loving and caring person i have ever met and is a great friend and mother of our child. She really is the type of person every guy is looking for. We very rarely have any arguments and if we do they are always settled civally which is so far from the norm with my other relationships. She really is my best friend, and thats whats killing me. She is a very beautiful girl but i have never had that "im so in love" feeling with her. i love her very much, but i dont beleive i have ever been "in love" with her. She is just such a great person that i dont want to lose her but my love for her is on a different level than her love for me. she is totally in love with me and its killing me because it is not fair to her.

Now here is where it gets really messy. About a year ago i met someone who i immediatly hit it off with. we became quick and close friends but we both knew that there could be so much more between us. she is amazing as well. She is not only beautiful, but unbelievably sexy. as we grew closer our feelings have become very strong and uncontrollable. we share so many interests and she is so unbelivable ambitious and driven to succeed at everything she does. i love her competitive nature. She works for me and is the best employee i have by far. I know that with her by my side i can accomplish anything. we are very successful now but i know that together we would be unstoppable. it excites me just thinking about the possibilities if we were together. we have similar goals and want similar lifestyles and we feed off eachother and push eachother to even greater heights. I am so in love with this girl, and no, i dont lust for her, i am in love. i havent had feelings like this with anyone.

so theres my dilema. do i take the safe route and be happy, as i am with my fiancee. be with the most caring loving person i have ever met, the mother of our daughter. live a good life but probably not much more as she is not driven by the same things i am , and is happy where we are, with what we have, and can see us in this house forever. she she has done nothing wrong and tries everything in her power to please me and make me happy. But the fact that she has very little ambition and has all but given up on her career is so draining to me. it makes it hard to stay motivated when her life goals are met.

or do i break up my family to take a chance with the person i am absoloutly in love with. who shares my goals and motivations. whos goals are BOTH family AND career driven like mine. who i can talk to so openly about anything. who my feelings and attraction towards are so much stronger than they were a year ago. who still makes me feel so amazing a year later.

[shh!]

I may be in the minority opinion, but I can't believe you'd even consider breaking your daughter's family apart for your own selfish interests.

And naturally the new woman is going to look more exciting... she's new. She won't look so exciting in 4 years.

[misombra]

one is plenty.

[misombra]

also, if a guy was willing to leave his wife and very young child to be with me... i'd be motivated to drive your ass to the forest and leave you there.

[inAbadSPOT]

you are right they are for selfish reasons but i am also concerned that if i stay in this relationship i will have trouble staying faithful forever as i dont have that physical attraction to my fiancee and my feelings are not as stong for her as hers are for me.

so yes, they are for selfish reasons, but also to try and be fair to her because it just wouldnt be fair for me to continue on forever like everything is just great, when in my head it really isnt. she deserves someone who is going to be as passionate about their love for her, as her love for me is.

and if in my head i have doubts now, if things dont work out later on down the road its only going to be harder. we will have more time together, more memories shared, and my daughter may be at an age where a seperation could be scarring.

im trying to take it all into account

[lesa]

[lesa]

im trying to take it all into account

Have you taken into account that the other woman may not stay with you and may not be faithful.

I am so fascinated at how people 'assume' or maybe it's extreme hope that they get to pick the other person and they will stay with them happily ever after.

For all that you know she may dump you a year later. You say that you are not infatuation but there is no time limit to lust. You are responding to the thrill---which is lacking in your current relationship. Do you have the skills to put the thrill in your current situation?

Here is a great test on whether you should stay in current relationship: Would you like to end the relationship if you knew that you would be absolutely single (no dates or contact with any other woman) for a whole hmm, lets say 3-5 years?

Don't ever act on ending a relationship after someone else comes into your life. What would you do if no one will ever come into your life. That is how you determine if a relationship needs to end. I wish everyone would try this method.

[inAbadSPOT]

fair enough. apparently im an idiot for asking advice. and misombra, "one is plenty". no kidding, thats part of my fear that i wont be able to stay faithful and i dont want to hurt my fiancee. but i am in love with this girl and know that something could happen, and dont want it to if im engaged obviously.
send me off to the forest then for having these thoughts. if we were to break up it would be done right. im not throwing her out or not supporting my child. i do and would continue to pay for their housing and needs. im not an asshole. i wouldnt do that. but im the guy to hate i guess. at least i havent acted on these feelings. go hate on everyone that is. im simply asking for advice. i guess the feelings here are that once your engaged or married youre stuck forever..happy, unhappy, or otherwise, or else your an idiot. you should pretend your thrilled for the rest of your life and never be truly happy. great.

[shh!]

You sound really immature. How old are you?

If you think the level of passion remains constant throughout the life of a marriage, you couldn't be more wrong. And quit trying to pretend this would be better for her... that is merely the lie you tell yourself to avoid feeling guilty.

You made a new human being with this woman. You owe it to your child to maintain this family except under extreme circumstances (infidelity, physical abuse, drug abuse, etc.).

[lesa]

also, if a guy was willing to leave his wife and very young child to be with me... i'd be motivated to drive your ass to the forest and leave you there.

Yep, if this other woman is smart enough she wouldn't stay in the relationship very long.

[lesa]

fair enough. apparently im an idiot for asking advice.

I thought I gave you sound advice. That is the best way to help you with this decision.

May I ask when did you start feeling unhappy in the relationship?

[inAbadSPOT]

thanks Shh!

all i asked for were your opinions on my situation. i did not ask to be called an idoit, or to be labeled immature, or to be dropped off in a forrest.

maybe you all dont agree with the situation i am in, and thats fine, but you could at least be undertanding that someone is in a bad spot and is reaching out for advice on his situation.

no need to be rude, and hopefully you are not a counselor as your attacking of the people looking for help is rather immature.

[lesa]

i guess the feelings here are that once your engaged or married youre stuck forever..happy, unhappy, or otherwise, or else your an idiot. you should pretend your thrilled for the rest of your life and never be truly happy. great.

No, I do not think so. I was engaged and broke up. However, there was no other man affecting my decision to do so.

[inAbadSPOT]

Lesa, i appreciate your advice. you have made alot of sense to me.

[shh!]

thanks Shh!

all i asked for were your opinions on my situation. i did not ask to be called an idoit, or to be labeled immature, or to be dropped off in a forrest.

maybe you all dont agree with the situation i am in, and thats fine, but you could at least be undertanding that someone is in a bad spot and is reaching out for advice on his situation.

no need to be rude, and hopefully you are not a counselor as your attacking of the people looking for help is rather immature.

It is your choice to take an objective label and make it "bad".

We are not counselors - they are paid to pretend they understand your choices. We are just regular people who tell the truth. If you want someone to offer you unconditional support, I think that is what your friends are for.