Husband Hanging Out With 18-year-old Girl

[SandraS]

Hi, I am new to these boards and am posting this because of something that has come up the past couple of months.

Back in December my husband and I were invited to a Christmas party at the house of one of our family friends. There was this other couple there who had two kids (ages 15 and 18). At the party they got along great with him. They were joking and laughing the whole time. One of them (the 18-year-old) has developed sort of a friendship with my husband. After the party they continued to keep in touch using e-mail. They are also friends on FaceBook. At first they sent messages every day. By now it has dwindled to a message once a week. From what I have heard, she has met him a few times since the party.

Here is list of the encounters he's had with her since then:

March 1 -
DH works in the music department of a local university. This girl is a first year student who isn't satisfied with her current school, so she is looking to transfer. On this day she had a piano audition at the school where DH works. After all the auditions were over she told him that she got here by taking a train and walking the rest of the way. DH told me that he offered her a ride. At first she said she didn't want to bother him, but he told her that it wouldn't be a problem.

March 16 - DH did a performance in New York. It was a small low-key thing with only a few people in attendance. 18 y.o. girl saw a notice on his website and decided to come. From what I heard, she doesn't have her license yet so she had to take public transportation. The show was over at 10 PM and it was dark. Since the girl lives in our area, DH offered to drive her back home. It takes about two hours to drive from NY to where we live. The next morning I wanted to know why he arrived later than expected. He told me that the night before he had seen the 18y.o. at his show. Before going home he said he was hungry and stopped at a restaurant. She said she didn't have cash and would have to pay with her debit card. He then told her that she shouldn't worry; he would pay for the two of them. During the car ride home, she was joking about how much she liked him. She even compared him to drugs and said that being around him was addictive.

April 12 -
When I came home from grocery shopping I was about to enter my house when someone in a black trenchcoat approached me. She asked me if I knew when the next train was coming (we live near a train station). I told her I didn't and she left. At the time I thought nothing of it. A few minutes later it dawned on me that her face looked familiar. It was the same person we met at the party! She was also carrying a video camera around her neck. She must've looked us up in the phone book. So now she isn't just following my husband, she is also coming to our neighborhood and recording images of our house.

Yesterday -
In June he will be playing a concert with a local youth orchestra. By some strange coincidence, the girl used to play in that same orchestra a few years ago, but stopped going. Since she was a member before, she knows where rehearsals are held and went there, trenchcoat, camera and all.

During rehearsals she was standing in a corner filming with the camera focused on my husband, the object of her obsession. When they had a break she approached him and they talked some more. She asked if he noticed the camera. He smiled and said he did. She then filmed him while he was talking to someone else. He laughed and waved at the camera. After it was all over she walked with him to his car and they exchanged a few more words. This time he didn't give her a ride, she took the train home.

When he told me all this I asked him why he kept encouraging her. Didn't he get creeped out by her randomly showing up everywhere and taping their conversations? "Come on she's not that bad," he told me. "It's actually kind of cute." He says he enjoys her fairly well. Whenever they are together she makes alot of smart ass comments and sometimes uses profanity. I guess she is one of those kids who was raised on South Park, The Simpsons etc. He thinks the stuff she talks about is amusing. It's like nothing she does can ever annoy him.

[Lipp]

That's a bit spooky. But for starters, let your husband know that while he'd might find the attention to be "fun" he should end her actions of stalking and recording because it's pretty mean to let it develop into a possible obsession (something that gets seriously bad if it escalates). If anything, to do that for the sake of the girl.

Maybe the whole recording thing is harmless, but even so, it's not surprising if an 18-year old girl would fall for an older guy, just like they fall for authority figures (teachers) and anyone whos already established with a house, car and whatnot.

[Henry123]

How old is your husband? I agree with Lipp it is abit creepy.

Your husband has a potential to cheat in this situation if he hasnt already (not saying he will!). Legally the law cant do much if she's of legal age.

As for the girl maybe she is setting you guys up for a robbery??? Maybe she has some sort of obessive stalking behaviour??? Then again it all could be nothing.

[Mish]

During the car ride home, she was joking about how much she liked him. She even compared him to drugs and said that being around him was addictive.

At any point during this conversation did he tell her that what she was saying to him is highly inappropriate? If not then I am pretty certain he knows what's happening and he is leading her on.

You are obviously unhappy with this (justifiably), have you told him about how you feel about this and to stop interacting with this girl?

[musicalme]

I think all of that is completely inappropriate. If they like each other as friends, which I see as a possibility, then they should respect you enough to include you in any meet-ups they might have. Her tendency to pop up are not coincidental at all and definitely shouldn't be encouraged.

[lastwish]

Why didn't you ask her what she is doing taking pictures of your house? I would want to know if anyone does that.

[reeba]

Yes, I would say the whole thing was weird, but you said the contacts are now down to once a week? I would say she is losing interest. Unless the contacts increase again, or you think the contacts are on the sly (they are hiding something), I would say you have nothing to worry about.

You said your husband teaches at the university? He is around that age group all of the time and use to being a mentor. To some extent he is use to people in this age group attaching themselves a little to him.

However, I'm also sure he has also ran into the inappropriate behaviour before. And he KNOWS the difference. I use to be a grad student and it is amazing what the male grad students who were teaching said about the things their female students - wondering how much of their flirting was an act.

[vashti]

I don't think your husband has really done anything substantial to earn your wrath (yet); in fact, it sounds like although he is a little flattered (and who wouldn't be?), he is trying to distance himself. Does he have a history of inappropriate relationships with kids? And yes, I think his age might be relevant.

I think I would try to arrange a meeting with your friend and this girl's mother on the pretext of just hanging out (coffee?). Then you could mention in an amused way that her daughter apparently has a crush on your husband.

[Rollerderby]

Yeah, it sounded fine, or at least acceptable until you got the part of her approaching you in a trench coat. You need to tell your husband that this bothers you. It may be an innocent crush (maybe the first one she has had considering she is so young) and it's natural that he finds the attention flattering, especially if they have some sort of vibe.

Hey, south park and simpsons aren't that bad! Smart people watch that! But anyway, she probably "acts tough" because she is trying to seem older.

I wouldn't be concerned about your husband especially if he is telling you this. Still, you need to get him on the same page as to why this is starting to get kind of innappropriate. You don't want some sort of "fatal attraction" scenario occuring.

She may be 18, but if you're friends with her parents, have you considered talking to them? or her? she must be stupid if she doesn't think you won't notice this... or care and thinks it's fun and dangerous to flirt with an older married man.

[Lite]

She's creepy, he's not sleeping with her or interested in it but is genuinely flattered by the attention. He is not aware of the damage that she is doing to your stability and comfort in your relationship with your husband.

You need to tell her to go away, and he needs to tell her to go away.

[Gigabitch]

I would stamp that shit out like a cockroach. Seriously.

[SandraS]

My husband is 50. Why would a young woman her age be attracted to someone 30+ years older? It doesn't make sense. I found her FaceBook and saw a picture of her with him in New York. They were standing with their arms around their shoulders and she had a huge grin plastered all over her face. He was smiling too. Lots of friends take pictures like this but with all the other stuff that's been going on, I think that there must be some romantic thoughts on her part.

My husband tolerates everything that she does. I don't understand why he enjoys being around a foul-mouthed sarcastic young girl so much.

[Mish]

My husband tolerates everything that she does. I don't understand why he enjoys being around a foul-mouthed sarcastic young girl so much.

I think for the same reason he didn't stop her when she told him how much she liked him. He's leading her on. Maybe it's mid life crisis, it must feel good to attract someone young and feel young again.


I think the real question is, what are you going to do about it?

[Gigabitch]

My husband is 50. Why would a young woman her age be attracted to someone 30+ years older?

Ugh, do you really want the answer to that question? Put a stop to this nonsense NOW.

[Aeradalia]

Maybe it's mid life crisis, it must feel good to attract someone young and feel young again.

I think the real question is, what are you going to do about it?

I think it's time for her to give a 'friendly' reminder that he isn't young anymore... that he has a wife... a life... and all of it hangs in the balance if he continues to feed this 'pet' crush.

Doesn't matter how sultry this young girl may be... she won't be able to help him to make mortgage payments... be able to really understand him... or stand by his side when he's being an idiot (kind of like right now).