High school sweetheart relationship of 4 years ended, having difficulty moving on...

[lolerskates]

21 year old male. There's this girl I met in high school. Let's call her B. B is extremely overweight (while I'm skinny), 20 years old, photogenic (pretty face), has a warm heart, and took care of me whenever I was feeling down. Earlier on in the relationship (when she was 15-16), things were rocky and I didn't care for her that much. I actually ended up cheating on her (and got caught because the girl I cheated with actually wanted to be in a relationship with me). Not sure if this is worth mentioning, but B was also raped by her mother's boyfriend while this was going on (she never gave me any details about the rape). B said she could forget the past and we can move on. I felt so wrong about the whole thing, I dropped the woman I cheated with from my life and that person didn't return, and I remained 100% loyal ever since. I didn't do as much as even flirt with another girl. I grew to really appreciate B, even if it was already really rocky relationship. She had no shortage of unfortunate issues; her dad was never there for her and her mom was depressed to the point of where it interfered with everyone's lives (and probably has been depressed since a divorce earlier in life). She's been in a 2 year relationship before this one, and she was cheated on. She's had to work a lot harder than me throughout the relationship; her parents gave her little to no financial support and offered little to no responsibility in her life. That's the opposite of what I have - a stable family who has constantly provided me support.

But once our relationship hit the 2 year mark, things started getting messed up. I would see her receive flirty texts from all sorts of guys (some her age, some 35+). I would call her out on it, and she would say that they're just friends. But then I grew jealous, and I'd spy on her Facebook or cell phone and see her sending other guys "<3", telling them she loved them (even after only knowing them for a couple weeks), and even sent them lots of private videos and pictures that I never saw. Every time I caught her, she promised she'd stop, that she never actually cheated on me, and that it was just flirting. She let forgave my mistake in the past, so I thought I'd forgive hers.

Three year mark - it's still happening on and off. She claims that I'm crazy and that she isn't doing anything wrong, yet whenever I surprise her with a "hey, do you think I could see your phone?", there are tears running down her face and she does everything she can from letting me see the phone. I threaten to leave her and she threatens suicide. I did still love her so I went on, she promised it wasn't going to happen anymore.

Four year mark - on our anniversary, while we're in bed, she receives a text from a guy I know she's been texting on and off for years. As she's typing on her phone, I can see the reply "Keep it pg, my boyfriend is here", I take her phone from her and once again, see all the bull****, yet again. She's done this to me a dozen times. I don't know how I let it go so long. I broke up with her. And then begged for her back. I'm hopeless. She says she's changed and that she's sorry.

I feel so destroyed. I really did think she loved me. At times it seemed like she would do anything so we could spend some extra time together. We talked about growing old together, marriage, kids, everything. Only within months of the break up. I don't know why I thought it would work, but for some reason deep down I wish it did. I feel like she's taken away my ability to trust, and she's taken away all my self respect. But she was always unfaithful, dishonest, and would only own up to lies that I completely caught her in (and would deny it even past the point where it's too late to deny it).

Ugh.... now I can't stop going back and thinking about all the times she's cheated me.... all those times she would disappear and make up excuses that I never really considered...and how I trusted her word. It was a bad relationship and neither of us deserved to have it work, but I grew to truly love her, even despite all of her flaws. Hell, I even grew to love her FOR her flaws. I would've done anything for her to keep it going. But those 4 years, that we spent almost exclusively with each other (practically best friends), is gone now. I've sacrificed my friends, my good grades in school, and my sanity for a broken relationship.


Obviously there's a lot more to the story, it's hard to keep the significant details of a 4 year relationship condensed to where it's not too much to read, but I feel like that's the gist of it. Even to this day, I'll never know the true extent of her cheating and her lies. Yet I still wish she would take me back.

How do I get past this? I simply can't stop dwelling on it. Most guys wouldn't have put up with this girl or her bullshit, but I let her practically own me and my feelings for an extended period of my time. It's weird...all my friends have had significantly more attractive girlfriends, and would break it off with them after a year or simply use and cheat on them. I'm a lot smarter than this girl too, so I could see through all of her deceit with relative ease. I just somehow managed to put up with it. Even after this was all over, she told me she still wants to be friends and text me. And then she immediately started texting me. Is this manipulation?


EDIT: I did some meditating and it came to me that this is one of the worst possible relationships that can happen. It was more of a companionship masquerading as love, considering we had little in common despite much time spent together. I put forward some of the worst boyfriend behavior (cheating, not enough confidence to end relationship despite logical rationale). I've learned what not to do (create jealousy and insecurity within my partner), and I've learned what I need to do (always be there for them, try to progressively better the relationship, create trust, end the relationship when it's logical to rather than wait it out denial). Those are a lot of lessons to be learned from this single relationship. A lot of them are very obvious, but I have never conceived that I'd stretch my character so much and destroy my self respect for a woman. At least now I know not to let it happen again

[smackie9]

Co-dependancy.....do some reading on this. It will help you understand more about yourself, and hopefully get you to move forward with lessons learned from your experience.

[lolerskates]

I knew from the start this was a case of co-dependency. But I can't move past it. Even at this point, this woman tugs at my heart strings. She wanted me to take her back and I did. We both even ended up going to a big birthday party at a bar this last night. In the middle of the party, the birthday girl gave me an ultimatum and told me to leave B or **** off, and pretty much called the relationship out for how weak it was. I paid for all of B's stuff, and she attempted to leave with another guy (even though she was originally had her mom as the designated driver, but ditched me to go with some other guy). I left the party.

I literally feel like my life is over. I've proven myself incapable to care for myself anymore. I chose a woman who uses me over people who care about me. And I would do it again if I had the choice.

I really need your help guys.

[smackie9]

Go no contact, and then find a buddy that will punch you in the head everytime you get the urge to contact her.

[lolerskates]

Go no contact, and then find a buddy that will punch you in the head everytime you get the urge to contact her.

The one buddy I have capable of doing that, attempted to warn me and help me by bringing me to that party the other night. I really just screwed myself over. Truly one of those things in life that I didn't think I'd let happen to me, yet it happened so quickly and easily that it almost seems it was meant to be. There's at least a dozen times I day I feel the need to contact her, and fighting those feelings is harder than fighting the depression of the break up.

But that's still good advice. I'm just incredibly embarrassed about it. I don't want to talk to anyone about it, yet I don't want to bottle it up either. I'm experiencing a lot of suicidal thoughts but I'm more of the person who would act on them before getting help (I don't want help).

[smackie9]

Just tell your buddy and I guarantee you he will help. You don't have to go into great detail about it tho. One thing I learned over the years, never under estimate the people who are around you. They do actually care about you more that you can imagine. It only takes once to ask for help and they will rally around you and support you.

[Lubna]

Ohh yes this is really difficult.

[lolerskates]

Just tell your buddy and I guarantee you he will help. You don't have to go into great detail about it tho. One thing I learned over the years, never under estimate the people who are around you. They do actually care about you more that you can imagine. It only takes once to ask for help and they will rally around you and support you.

Smackie, you're right. Typically I don't try to act vulnerable but I've been rather upfront with people how this relationship has me torn up inside (it's difficult to hide). My friends, and even coworkers (who work with B but I don't know that well) seem to be extremely supportive of the break-up. It really does help a lot. There wasn't anyone who thought the relationship deserved to work, but I feel like people are judging things too much on the surface. Sure, I may have done better in school and I'm in decent shape while B was very obese (weighed about 2 people) and wasn't very smart, but we really got along together in a way that I've never experienced with anyone else.

But there's still a hole in my heart. Every day for me is a struggle of letting go and battling depressive/suicidal thoughts. I feel like B never gave any closure to the relationship. One moment we're discussing moving in together, marriage, kids, and the next moment she's ignoring me and telling me that she's "changing" and that she's sorry for being so "weird". We both put so much into the relationship. I've even flown to other states and have stayed with her relatives for weeks just so I could be closer to her and her family. I just absolutely can't imagine her wanting to give up on the relationship after everything we've been through. Especially since she wanted it take the relationship in a more serious direction than I was willing to take it as first. In the end, she couldn't grant me the same openness and honesty that I gave to her.

Something interesting I noted about the the last conversation I had with her: she was talking about how she signed up to a Sugar Daddy site because "she was curious". And she told me that she could spend time with men, be paid, and not have sex with them. She was telling me all of this in a light-hearted "isn't that interesting" vibe. I didn't find it charming at all. Rather I was extremely repulsed, because I genuinely get the feeling that she wants an older man to sweep her off her feet and pay for her needs.

As someone who planned to take care of this girl for the rest of my life, I feel sorry for her because I know (for a ****ing fact) there will never be a guy who appreciates her in the same light as I do. I know it's pathetic to care (it gives her emotional power that she doesn't deserve from me), but I can't help how much I care. She's always made startling and off-kilter decisions in life (ones that most people wouldn't consider smart, and most people considered her to be one of the dumbest people they knew), and I wish I could be there to help her make the right decisions. But I guess I have to let her blow away in the wind.


On the topic of suicide, one of the people I've been most inspired by in my life (a musician) took his own life because of love-lost, and it didn't even click with me very recently. He even depicted this in the last song he released (which pretty much depicts the suicide as well).

"In the darkness, under the stars, With enough warning, to pull off to the side, in time

In the end, was there anyone to share in your joy?
I woke up one day...and realized it was already over

Back On the highway, under the moon, my final moments, still wondering about you...

In the end, was there anyone to share in your joy?
I woke up for years without you, to realize it was already over, for me

Now making amendments... to the dream / story...
Changing the ending, as I would like it, to be

We were together, in a memory
And We live forever, in finality.

Holding on...To a dream...
When the end... couldn't come slow enough for me.

Holding on..."


Perfectly describes what I'm feeling right now. And I also feel stuck. I don't want to do anything. I'm currently taking a quarter off from college and now I feel like all my ambitions have disappeared before my eyes. I simply don't foresee myself meeting someone substantial to me again. I know who I am and I know from experience that it will be a long time before I find a girl who interests me. And part of me thinks that she will never come. I get that I'm too young to be hung up on love, but I don't have a choice. My reality isn't as distorted as I wished it was - I wish I had a reason to be confident about the future but I know deep down that I don't have it.

[michelle23]

I dont condone cheating i think it is the worst thing that you can do to someone and here is a typical example of why you should just break up when/if that happens. She chose to forgive you though so all this revenge is not okay either. She probably has a lot of issues, low self esteem and insecurity. The whole relationship was destructive and you two should never have been together.

Its a good thing its over because you have a new chance now to meet someone else, to be in a healthy relationship. Take some time out to learn what you want, set your standards higher and when you are ready to meet someone else you will know it. Learn from this and never cheat on someone again. Be 100% loyal and if a girl breaks your trust in the future-walk away with your head held high.

I also recommend you find new friends also. Men who respect women and who dont treat them badly. Being best mates with men like that makes you look like one of them so most healthy women will avoid you

[lolerskates]

I dont condone cheating i think it is the worst thing that you can do to someone and here is a typical example of why you should just break up when/if that happens. She chose to forgive you though so all this revenge is not okay either. She probably has a lot of issues, low self esteem and insecurity. The whole relationship was destructive and you two should never have been together.

Its a good thing its over because you have a new chance now to meet someone else, to be in a healthy relationship. Take some time out to learn what you want, set your standards higher and when you are ready to meet someone else you will know it. Learn from this and never cheat on someone again. Be 100% loyal and if a girl breaks your trust in the future-walk away with your head held high.

I also recommend you find new friends also. Men who respect women and who dont treat them badly. Being best mates with men like that makes you look like one of them so most healthy women will avoid you

Thanks for the words. What you all say is true, the relationship really was destructive. The millions of hindsight "what if" questions will never disappear as long as she's in my life, and it's those questions which can drive a person mad. An example: I'm thinking back on the time that we've taken sexual breaks because she said that she had a urinary tract infection, and this happened multiple times...so what if she got them from having unprotected sex with some guy and contracted gonorrhea? I mean, how common could UTI's be?

I should've had my standards set higher from the start. I just feel like it's hard to maintain those standards when you're alone.

[michelle23]

Also put these thoughts of suicide out of your mind. Look up the 5stages of grief. You will get through this, you will smile again, laugh again, love again. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Dont give up in your ambitions-you need to do whats best for you now or you will regret it one day.

Seek counselling if you still feel this bad in 6months time. Look after yourself and stay strong. Your ex has a lot of issues and she needs to overcome them on her own. Until she deals with everything herself-noone will make her happy. You are not responsible for her

[michelle23]

Get down to your nearest clinic and get tested for stis etc. It will be a little embarressing/nerve wracking but well worth it to put your mind at rest. While your there ask for advice on counselling if you feel you need it. You need to be alone now for awhile. You need to be in a good place emotionally and mentally before meeting someone new to avoid making the same mistakes again.

You sound decent enough. Spend some time researching relationships such as the stages of love, love languages, signs of a healthy relationship, confidence vs insecurity and anything else you can think of. Also spend a lot of time thinking about what you want in a women-and dont settle for less than that-just make sure your expectations are realistic

[smackie9]

Smackie, you're right. Typically I don't try to act vulnerable but I've been rather upfront with people how this relationship has me torn up inside (it's difficult to hide). My friends, and even coworkers (who work with B but I don't know that well) seem to be extremely supportive of the break-up. It really does help a lot. There wasn't anyone who thought the relationship deserved to work, but I feel like people are judging things too much on the surface. Sure, I may have done better in school and I'm in decent shape while B was very obese (weighed about 2 people) and wasn't very smart, but we really got along together in a way that I've never experienced with anyone else.

They were not comparing appearance between you two, they saw an unhealthy relationship, and how you were struggling.
This is true that your reality was very distorted.....I suggest you spend time listening to the advices of those who are closest to you. They saw it for what it really was.

[lolerskates]

They were not comparing appearance between you two, they saw an unhealthy relationship, and how you were struggling.
This is true that your reality was very distorted.....I suggest you spend time listening to the advices of those who are closest to you. They saw it for what it really was.

I suppose if you stay on "girlfriend island" long enough, reality becomes distorted. My reality was (and still is) distorted. In a way, I was happy that people didn't seem to like her that much, because at the time I thought that most people didn't understand her in the same way I did. It strengthened the idea that I could keep her to myself without having to fend off other men. I taught myself to be too forgiving of her trust-related mistakes, and kept focusing on what I've been doing wrong without giving serious consideration to things she did wrong at the time. I'm disappointed that she couldn't be genuine with the one person in the world that she could've been 100% honest with. I should just be glad I'm out of the situation now, because otherwise I would've been prolonging something that could've been even potentially more disastrous. Everyone's reaction to her seemed to be the same; really nice and relatively cool person at first, but once you get to know her it becomes evident she pursues self-interests at other people's expense.

Even though I loved her, I can't deny that I found her character/integrity to worsen as the relationship went on. I found it hard to be concerned with her character/integrity when she made it seem like she cared about me so much and used to want me by her side at virtually all times. Despite all of the negativity I'm associating with B, I just don't see myself getting to the point where I wouldn't want to take her back. In my mind I know it's a really weak thought that hinders progress, but I'm beginning to realize this is much of an emotional journey as it is a learning experience. If she came back to me, possibly even months from now, it would require some sort of miraculous act to prevent me from falling back into the relationship. I'm not expecting it, but I feel like it's a possibility.

To combat this I've been spending time recently pursuing girls that I've ignored in the past. This might sound like an awful idea, but it's been getting my head away from B, and that's really my main goal right now. My social life is 100% nil, and I feel like this isolation is doing nothing for me. I want to meet new people. I think to myself "where will I meet the next girl I fall in love with?", and then I come to the realization that it will be a very long time before I'm even in a situation where I could meet new people. It took about 17 years of my life before I met B, and she was my first and only girlfriend. I feel like it will be forever until I meet someone else. Maybe at this stage, it shouldn't be my concern, but it's a concern that fuels my depression.

[smackie9]

The harder you look, the harder it will be to find someone....let them find you. It always seems to be the way you will meet someone when you least expect it. You have to believe in that for it to happen. You don't need a relationship to bring you happiness, only you can do that. Finding things to do that will make your life rewarding or enhance it is what attracts a potential mate. You need to work on building your life with activities, a strong social circle of friends, and gain some independence.